Sometimes i wake up in the morning and I legit wonder if I'm worth it to the people around me. I constantly feel like a burden, i constantly question if I'm worthy of love or affection. My mental health has been in somewhat of a steady decline however slow it might be. How do you explain to someone that you're scared to tell them how scared you are to lose them. And then apply that to everyone in my life who's not my parents. I'm fearful most i think of driving people away and not realizing I'm doing it. There was a time in my life I used to think people were lucky to be around me or dating me. Now I almost want to apologize. My meaning and purpose usually dissolved to my sexual ability, and to those who don't do that to me I find i self sabotage. Theres no art on my walls. Someone recently pointed out that i don't really know what i like or what my style is. I always conform to my partners. A girl i dated when i was 20 at the time was obsessed with khaki shorts and bought me my first pair of khaki mens shorts. To this day i wear khaki shorts almost exclusively. Sometimes i fear I'm just pieces of others masquerading as a whole something else. Shit that's imposter syndrome. Fuck. I just don't even know who to talk to about all this. It's hard to let myself be this level of vulnerable ever. Someone yesterday said I had an internal scream, and that its loud. That terrifies me. I stuff weed in my body to kill it, but i know what they mean. My therapist asked me to write down all the sexual assault i experienced from 18 till now and i literally quit going because I didn't want it all on paper. The idea of seeing the manifesto of abuse would make me start to see the cracks I'm intentionally ignoring. My mom taught me to fake it till I make it but dammit i don't think I'm going to make it.
