Gyon Op Gon Heda

Leksa kom trikru. Heda kom kongeda. Gona, ticha, kika, sich.

[hedasteyuj]

notreadytobewithanyone:

It was a relieve Lexa didn’t mind. Of course Clarke was in her own house but she had to go through the guestroom in order to get to the bathroom she prefered to use. She had once told Lexa that she woke up at seven and she didn’t know if Lexa was awake by then. During her holiday she stayed in bed a little bit longer, just to relax and wake up easily. Sometimes she just stared at the ceilling until she got up at exactly 7:30 for her shower. Holidays were the best, less stress and less anxiety. 

“We can watch it from the beginning. It’s a series which you should see from the beginning otherwise you won’t understand of it won’t be a really weird show.” Clarke explained and frowned a little. It was already hard to explain besides the clones. It was more the science behind it she was interested in which was hard to explain to others. Clarke also didn’t know how much Lexa knew about it so she’d let the series explain it to her. 

“You can go shower now yes.” Clarke nodded. She was used to others taking a shower in the evening. Her mother did so too and sometimes she did too when she worked out. Maybe it was better Lexa went for a shower now. That way she could set everything for the series and claim her favorite spot on her own bed so Lexa wouldn’t go sit there and make everything a bit awkward without it having to be awkward. Clarke went to dress in her pyjamas while Lexa went for her shower. She put her hair up in another bun again with ever piece of hair tied together. Clarke got her glasses and went to sit down on her bed with the pillows perfectly placed against the headboard for comfort

When Clarke was just done she heard the door open again and saw Lexa walking in in just her shirt. She should have known it was going to be a bit short, Lexa was taller after all. Clarke bit her lip and tried to hide her blushing cheeks but it was almost impossible, there was nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. She pulled her legs up a little and smiled softly turning shy all of a sudden. Her mind shouldn’t wander off and Clarke shouldn’t think about inappropriate things or wished for things that wouldn’t happen. “I have netflix ready, you can come join me.” She said with a soft shy voice and patted the spot next to her while her eyes were unable to leave Lexa’s body.

“If you’re okay with starting from the beginning?” Lexa responded with an easy shrug, one hand coming up to rub at the base of her neck. “I mean, you’ve already seen it. I wouldn’t want to bore you.” There was maybe a handful of series that she could bear to re-watch from the very first episode without getting bored and starting to skip all the scenes that didn’t have her favorite characters in them. Plus, she was pretty certain that this show was going to be weird regardless of which episode they were going to start on. But weird didn’t always mean bad.“It’s your choice.”

Lexa paused for a moment before she approached Clarke, her lips quirked up into a smile. The blonde was decidedly not meeting her gaze and while Lexa knew she had a problem with making eye contact, she also had an inkling that this had nothing to do with that. Cerulean eyes were dark behind thick-rimmed glasses and the blush coloring Clarke’s cheeks was unmistakable; making  Lexa’s chest swell with pride just a little. And in spite of how flushed she appeared, Clarke also looked very homely and comfortable, propped up against the headboard with the blanket draped across her legs. “You’re wearing glasses.” Lexa stated the obvious,her smile growing a bit as she crawled onto the bed next to Clarke, leaving an appropriate amount of space between them. “They suit you.”

Lifting the very corner of the sheets, she raised a brow, “May I?”, then slipped in right next to the other girl upon receiving confirmation. Once settled, she chanced another glance at Clarke, taking a moment to study her a little more thoroughly. “You okay?” It had been a while since she had had anything that as much as resembled a sleepover with anyone other than Anya – who didn’t even truly count because they were roommates - and while Lexa was almost certain that none of the usual conventions applied here, she was eager to figure out what did.

[hedasteyuj]

notreadytobewithanyone:

“I don’t want to bother you.” Clarke mumbled knowing it was weird she didn’t shower in her own. There was no real way of explaining it. It had always been her favorite bathroom “But it’s sweet of you for allowing me use your bathroom.” Clarke said while looking down at her feet. It made her a bit shy as this only showed she wasn’t like the others again. These small things which were normal for her were shown to be not normal when things like this happened. “Sorry.” She mumbled after a while knowing she was too much in her head again but also probably whining about something unimportant. Clarke looked over in the bathroom to make sure everything was still okay. 

“I can get you your pajamas.” Without waiting an answer Clarke went out to get a shirt from hers. She made sure to pick one she was sure Lexa would fit and be comfortable for the night. She turned around to hand it over to Lexa. “Here, I hope this one will fit you just right.” A soft smile appeared on her face as she let go of the shirt. “We can watch a series now. I’m watching Orphan Black, have you seen that? We can also see something else if you want. I have Netflix.” Clarke offered knowing not everyone liked the series she watched.

Clarke was glad that she was never really bothered by what they were watching as long as she knew how long an episode was going to be. Mostly the episodes of the series she watched were 42 minutes but some were 1.5 hours long. She had to make sure to have enough time for her evening routine. If they wanted they could even watch two episodes before going to bed. “You pick a serie and I will get dressed in my pajamas already if you don’t mind.”

Lexa shook her head, smiling genuinely. “It’s no problem. I understand. You can of course do whatever you want, but it is fine with me if you want to use this bathroom. It’s your house.” She didn’t even think anything of it. While she was sure that Clarke’s Asperger’s was coming into play here, having something like a preferred bathroom didn’t seem odd to her at all. She had a preferred seat on the bus and wasn’t too happy when it was taken. Everyone had things they favored. Of course the dimensions weren’t the same but the point still stood. Besides it wasn’t actually her bathroom. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry.”

“Okay.” She nodded, releasing a small chuckle at the superfluity of her own words because Clarke was already busy getting something for her to wear. As she watched the blonde, the tips of her ears were turning a very telling shade of pink once more. Lexa had only just brought the girl’s shirt back and now she was borrowing another one. There had to be a touch of irony in there somewhere but she was currently too distracted to put her finger on it. Even though she couldn’t tell from where she was standing, she was certain Clarke was making that adorable face she always pulled whenever she was concentrating on something without even being aware of it. She had done it in the bathroom, shortly before Lexa had gotten stuck during her attempt to undress...

When Clarke held out the shirt to her, she almost failed to react, not having noticed that the blonde had already turned back around. Trying and failing to sooth her nerves, she cradled the piece of clothing to her chest. “I’ve heard plenty about it, but I have yet to see it. We can watch it. It won’t hurt to know what all the fuss is about.” But it wasn’t until Clarke told her she was going to get changed, that she realized why she was feeling so nervous. Clarke was missing a very specific garment and while she was absolutely okay with that, Lexa also just really needed to get out of the room while the blonde was changing.

She gave a curt nod, her teeth briefly finding her lip. “I don’t. If you don’t mind, I’ll go shower real quick. Then we can watch Orphan Black.” She only just waited to back out of the room until she had her answer but not one second longer, her face burning by the time the door closed between them. She swiftly turned on the shower exactly as Clarke had instructed, then decided that maybe cold water wouldn’t be a bad idea after all. It took her a little longer than usually to finish up due to the cast-situation but she managed. Dressed in nothing but her underwear and Clarke’s shirt, Lexa finally exited the bathroom, her hair still a tad damp and unruly. She figured that if Clarke was going to be bothered by her state of dress, she would’ve given her a pair of pants. “Alright, I’m ready to be introduced to the clone club.”

[hedasteyuj]

notreadytobewithanyone:

When her mother asked Lexa to stay over Clarke was a bit thrown off guard. She hadn’t even considered it herself but having Lexa over for longer than the past six hours they have spend was amazing. It meant they could watch one of Clarke’s favorite series together, have a tea before bed together. It meant she could show her the guestroom and her favorite bathroom in the whole house. It meant she could Lexa try the new pillows she picked. It meant there was another piece of art to be shown. It meant waking up the next morning knowing Lexa was around. It meant they might be able to spend more time tomorrow. It meant she could paint and Lexa could watch her because apparently she didn’t mind.

The idea to her seemed like a perfect one, which was even better when her mother was the one offering it. The way Lexa reacted first made her worry a bit. Maybe Lexa really didn’t want to stay. Maybe she’d miss her own house, maybe she’d miss her own bed, or maybe she’d miss her own teddybear. Clarke didn’t know. By expressing her own feelings Lexa was pretty quick to answer. There was no real doubt she could see on Lexa’s face, for as much as she was possible to read it anyways. “Come, I will show you your room and give you some clothes to sleep in and towels and everything.” Clarke nodded and got up. She waited for Lexa to follow her before she hurried upstairs.

“Okay this is the guestroom.” She said before opening the door and walking in. “This is the bed, it’s really comfortable and the pillows were ones I picked, I like them a lot. That painting over there is also one of mine. Mom thought it’d look good in this room and I think she’s right. I didn’t eve paint it for this room which I think makes it even better.” Clarke started, the excitement clearly visible through her voice. Her hands moving around to show everything and to give her excitment even more detail. Normally her voice was pretty flat and monotone but in moments like this it was as if the excitement pushed some buttons so even she’d sound like a ‘normal’ excited person. 

“Over here is the bathroom.” Clarke walked into the room attached to the bedroom. “I’m sorry, there are still things that belong to me because mostly I shower here. I know I have my own bathroom but I just like this one better for some reason. You can use it. You can use this shampoo and soap.” Clarke pulled some bottles from the cabinet and put hers in there so Lexa wouldn’t use them. She got the hairdryer out and some clean towels. “You can use these ones.” She told her and showed her where to put the laundry. “When you go shower I advice you to turn the warm water on fully and one forth of the cold water. Then you have the perfect temperature.” She explained and walked out of the bathroom to turn and face Lexa. “Do you have questions so far?”

So that was settled; Lexa was going to stay over for the night. It wasn’t exactly what she had envisioned when she had decided that giving Clarke’s shirt back couldn’t wait any longer. Actually, it was the exact opposite of a brief ‘hello, here’s your shirt, see you in class’, but she didn’t really mind the outcome. Thanking Mrs. Griffin – or ‘Abby’ as she had been told to call her multiple times by now – for the food and for allowing her to spend the night once more, Lexa quickly followed Clarke up the stairs, a blush warming her cheeks. That had been embarrassing. Her friends would say that she was whipped and judging by the smile on Abby’s face Lexa couldn’t help but believe that Clarke’s mother would be inclined to agree with them. The brunette herself wasn’t so sure what she was supposed to think about any of these recent developments. In her head it was all one gigantic, confusing mess. Her heart begged to differ though; it seemed fairly straightforward. So she went with the simplest solution of all and decided to ignore both. Lexa knew that thinking too much about this would only lead to her panicking and that was something she didn’t need right now. For all it was worth, they were friends having a little sleepover. There was no need to complicate everything.<7small>

When Clarke showed her the guest room, Lexa couldn’t help but note how beautifully arranged and well-matched everything was. In the way that made you think it must’ve cost a small fortune but not to the extent that you were scared of touching anything. The room was spotless, the bed was big enough for two people to sleep in and the large windows that lined one of the walls looked like they would let a lot of light in during daytime. All in all seemed rather homely and Lexa could only agree with Clarke and her mother, the painting looked like it had been created with this very room in mind. It added a lot of charm, something all of Clarke’s works seemed to have in common if the painting in Lexa’s room and the one on her cast were anything to go by. Briefly glancing down at her injured hand, she stepped further into the room, stopping at the threshold that lead into the bathroom while the other girl rummaged around inside. It was... wow.

Yeah, she could understand why Clarke would like it. Of course Lexa had yet to see any of the other bathrooms in the house but this one did remind her a little of Indra’s place, the one at her and Anya’s apartment was nothing compared to this. Leaning against the door frame with one shoulder, she shrugged lightly. “You can still shower here if you want. I don’t mean to disrupt your routine or anything. It’s fine. I can just wait.” Somehow Lexa managed to keep her mind from wandering at that, even though she was still very much aware of the fact that Clarke wasn’t wearing anything under her shirt. “Warm water on full, one forth of the cold. Got it.” She repeated, still smiling. The blonde’s excitement was nothing if not infectious. “Thank you for showing me everything and for, you know, letting me borrow things. You’re a very thorough tour guide.” Shifting a little, she momentarily bit her bottom lip. Throwing Clarke’s routine continued to be the last thing she wanted. “What now?”

·

[notreadytobewithanyone]

Clarke shrugged. “Dislike seemed not enough to describe it.” She always wondered what others thought about Wendy. Clarke got used to the woman and her behaviour. She knew Wendy was originally a social worker, but one who graduated ages ago. Things changed over time and most younger social workers or doctors didn’t treat her as if she had less brains or something. Ignorant people like those from school were the best at pretending she was dumb and childish. Yes there might be a bit of a child like person inside of her but she was smarter than the average student in her class. Clarke knew how things worked now and just let them be, because trying to teach them always ended up in them lecturing here about something totally irrelevant. She accepted Wendy and her will to help, she was just there to paint.

“I’m okay now. I’m home, I have you, I can paint. I don’t think a panic attack is around the corner or something.” It was Clarke’s attempt to make a joke. Something she didn’t do often and something she never knew if people would notice. Her humor was weird and mostly if she ever joked it was about herself and her condition. She made the jokes knowing others were afraid to joke about it. It wasn’t as if she had a deadly desease or something. “Won’t it be boring then? I mean this takes me hours and you’re just standing there watching me while you already know what it will kind of looks like. I’ve been watching Lois paint for a moment but it just got me cringing because of the sloppy lines and the fact that she had no direction to go to. Horrible.” Clarke felt the shiver down her spine already and made sure her own brush wasn’t touching the canvas. Her free hand was playing with  a small piece of cloth for the smaller mistakes. “But we can paint together. Not now. Maybe another day. Something you want to paint.”

About 30 minutes later Abby had called the girls in for dinner. Clarke got through dinner just like she normally did. Mostly silent because she liked her food to be warm. The talk would happen after they were done eating. She told her mother all about her day and how things went and if something special had happened besides Lexa visiting them. Abby told Clarke all about her day as the blonde liked to know what her mother was up to on her work. She still deeply inside wanted to become that doctor. Dinner went well and Abby even asked Lexa some simple questions about what she studied and what she thought about Clarke her paintings. Time passed by and when it turned dark Abby noted the fact that it was getting late. “You should stay Lexa, I won’t let you go home on your own now. I’m sure Clarke allows you to borrow one of her shirts and shorts. We have a guestroom upstairs with a bathroom.”

[hedasteyuj]

Lexa couldn’t help but cringe a little at that. She had been taught better manners than to display her ‘dislike’ for someone so openly. She would have to work on dialing that back. The only question was how? Wendy had already managed to get under her skin. There were reasons. This wasn’t merely them not ‘clicking’ or not getting along. Even now, just thinking about it, she could feel annoyance churning low in her stomach, slowly turning to anger and frustration. For now her best bet was probably to ignore the redhead; not a much better solution in her book. But she could do that- would do that. She had Clarke there to distract her and Lexa wouldn’t even have to try to stay focused on her.

Was Clarke.. joking? Lexa couldn’t be sure but just like clockwork, relief spread through her body at the affirmation that Clarke was okay. That she would continue to be okay for the time being. Yes, Lexa had gathered a lot of information on how she was supposed to help her in case of a panic attack, but that didn’t mean that she was eager to put it to practice. She preferred Clarke to be happy, relaxed and smiling and not on the verge of breaking. A soft chuckle passed her lips at the small shudder the other girl gave at the memory and she couldn’t help but step closer despite her better judgement. “Well, but this is different. I’m watching you, not her. You know what you’re doing and you’re good at it. It also helps that I like to spend time with you. Maybe it would be boring if I was watching someone else, but watching you is... fascinating.”

Dinner went reasonably well. Lexa felt calmer, much more settled, and like she had a better grip on just how polite she was supposed to be for it to be deemed appropriate. She listened attentively as mother and daughter conversed, helped to put the dishes away once the meal was eaten and even made small talk with Clarke’s mom. Before she knew it, the sun had set and had gotten dark outside. Lexa noticed the older Griffin’s gaze wandering to the window and was just about to say that it would probably be for the best if she went home now when Abby spoke up. Stay? Here? Overnight, in a guest room? Her eyes continuing to flicker between Clarke and her mother, she gave a meager shake of her head, her lips moving for a moment before any sound came out. “Oh, no. I couldn’t possibly do that. That is very considerate of you but I do believe that I have already caused enough trouble. I wouldn’t want to impose.”

She hadn’t even asked Clarke. It was a fact that continued to repeat in Lexa’s head over and over again. She hadn’t even asked. Clarke had a routine. She had to have one. But the older brunette seemed less concerned with that and more concerned with Lexa’s safety. “It’s alright. I can just stay at my godmother’s house. She doesn’t live far from here. Really. I’ll be fine. I’ve taken-“ Why don’t you want to stay? I- I’d like it if you stayed. The moment Clarke decided to get involved was the moment Lexa’s gaze became permanently locked on the blonde. It was also the very same moment her brain seemed to forget that the word ‘no’ even existed. Lips still parted, she gave the faintest of nods, quite possibly looking more than a little love struck. “I- Okay, I- I’ll stay.”

[notreadytobewithanyone]

Clarke couldn’t help but to chuckle when she heard Lexa wasn’t too fond of Wendy. “You hate her.” Clarke pointed out. She might not be the best but she wasn’t stupid. It was obvious Lexa didn’t like her and she was sure nobody doubted that. Everyone could see it. “Wendy is someone you need to get to know in order to see what she really wants for you. In the beginning I just thought she was one who needed help herself because she was so cheerful and so hyper active sometimes. She also kept touching me and I didn’t like that but my mother explained it to her and ever since she toned it down a bit and she’s okay now. Sometimes I still don’t like her because of the way she talks to others but that’s just how she is and how they like to be talked too. Don’t ask me why she just gets on my nerves sometimes but she does know how to help me when something goes wrong. Maybe one day she will know how to treat you in the way you like it.”

Unfinished sentence. Words were unsaid but Lexa wanted to say something. Clarke waited a bit longer to see if she was going to finish her line but it seemed like the other was now the one being lost in her mind. Then the words followed about her mother. Clarke her eyes lit up because she knew her mother already knows. “I told her what you did for me. How you helped me after John dropped that plate. She knows nobody in my class ever did that before and that mostly it’s Wendy who helps me. She was impressed that someone else helped me. She was impressed that you knew what to do and how to help me. She is thankful for that. She doesn’t think you’re uncapable or anything like that.” Clarke explained and took some time to breathe again. All these sentences without catching her breath, she should remember to take it slow once she started talking. 

“Don’t change yourself.” Clarke repeated wanting Lexa to know Clarke liked her the way she was right now. The hug was one she didn’t want to let go off but Lexa pulled back after what felt like seconds to her. The question that followed made Clarke smiled. There was probably nothing else she wanted to do than to paint in front of Lexa. This way she could also check if her mind wasn’t playing tricks on her and if Lexa’s eyes were still the same. They did change in color Clarke already knew that. She’d seen it happening. “Of course, I will try and make sure you can really see what I’m painting.” She told her proudly and went over to her painting. Clarke got her brushes and started working on the unfinished painting.

[hedasteyuj]

You hate her. Lexa shifted her jaw and look off to the side. “Hate is a strong word.” A mere heartbeat passed before her lips quirked into the tiniest of smiles and she couldn’t help but roll her eyes at herself. Nodding lightly, she looked back at Clarke. “Yes. Yes, I do.” All the interruptions, the overt cheeriness, the disregard for personal space, the obtrusive questions, how she hadn’t even thought about coming to Clarke’s aid when that idiot had dropped the plate, how she had called the blonde ‘special’ like it was some kind of disease Lexa needed to be warned about... and the list went on. Yes, it was safe to say that she despised that woman and Lexa couldn’t see that changing anytime soon. By now the instructor was getting on her nerves even when she wasn’t anywhere near her. And maybe that wasn’t entirely fair but she couldn’t help it. And she was certain that the only way she would ever grow to like Wendy was if the older woman let her be and started treating Clarke differently. “Maybe. I’m not counting on it.” The truth was, it didn’t really matter. As long as Clarke was going to be there, Lexa was willing to put up with whatever the universe was planning on throwing at her.

Lexa’s eyes widened slightly when Clarke told her that she had talked to her mother about what had happened after John had dropped the plate. Honestly, she should’ve expected this, but she hadn’t. And that newfound knowledge worked to ease some of the tension she had held onto in the back of her mind. “That’s good.” She muttered, still a bit lost in her thoughts. She hadn’t known what to do back then, acting more on instinct than anything, but Lexa was confident that she now had a good grasp on what she had to do in the event of another one of Clarke’s panic attacks. She had done research online, rented a good dozen of books from the library and she had even spoken to one of the psychology professors at her college. All in all, she had probably put more effort into this than she had put into any of her school work in the past two years.

“I don’t want to cause you any distress.” Lexa murmured into thick tresses of long blonde hair before they parted; quite reluctantly on her part. She couldn’t help but smile at Clarke when the other girl agreed to let her watch and assumed a spot slightly behind and to the right of the artist, careful to leave a good amount of space between them. She was way too aware of the odd energy pulsing through her veins. Her body didn’t like being denied what it had been allowed before - to be close to Clarke - and Lexa didn’t trust herself not to reach for the other girl again. She had already watched the blonde work for a while when her lips began to loosen again. “This is what art therapy should be like. Getting to watch you paint.” With a crook of her lips she added. “Or painting with you.”

[notreadytobewithanyone]

Clarke her hands were pulling on her shirt and she didn’t like the words she heard from Lexa’s mouth. She didn’t mean the things she said the way Lexa picked them up. She liked Lexa the way she was, she’d seen her around Wendy. She wasn’t like that to Wendy. Clarke tried to ignore the part of liking something that isn’t good for you, it almost sounded like Lexa didn’t want Clarke to like her. It was weird. Everything about this was weird and Clarke wasn’t sure how to feel or how to act. There was only a little she could do. The decent adult in her wanted to talk about it, make things clear but the smaller child in her wanted to hide and walk away from difficult situations. The urge to hit herself was growing again as she kept thinking about what she had said and what it had triggered in Lexa. Her nails were digging in her palms by now in a try to calm herself down from losing it.

Clarke took a deep breath before she opened her mouth to speak. “I didn’t mean it that way. I have seen you around Wendy, you just acted a bit different around my mother. You are right. I don’t know how you are around others besides art class. I know only a little about you.” Her eyes looked up over Lexa’s face, the trick to look just above the eyes was working for now. She tried not to focus on the look in Lexa’s eyes, she didn’t want to see what she was feeling, afraid it might trigger something bad. “But I want to get to know you better. I just– don’t understand certain things and I get if that upsets you because mostly they are easy to others but I’m the same towards everyone, I’m mostly closed and weird but once they get to know me I’m the same. I talk to you the way I talk to my mother or friends. Different subjects, same words, same way. My friends never threated me differently. Some people do, they act as if I’m a child or something, as if I’m stupid once they know that I’m ‘not the same’. I’m sorry if I acted a bit strange or said something wrong.”

The part of her not being allowed to spend time with someone mentally unstable was weird. To her Lexa was more stable than half of her art class and she spend time with the others too, barely, almost not, but sometimes. “I’m not going to art class to just draw and paint, I’m there because my mother wants me to make new friends and my therapist also thought it’d be good for me to get new contacts. Would they have send me there if they wanted me to connect with ‘mentally stable’ people? I don’t think there are stable people. Everyone has there moment. My mother is happy for me that I’ve met you, someone who accepts me for who I am, someone who didn’t turn her back to me after a panic attack.” And that’s all I need. Clarke took a breath once she realised she had said most of it without breathing. 

While her hands were still in fists, nails digging in her own skin, Clarke took a step forward and awkwardly wrapped her arm around Lexa’s body. She didn’t know if she should ask but all she wanted for now was this to be over. She wanted to feel the happy butterflies floating around her stomach again. She didn’t want to feel weird and uncomfortable because of misunderstandings. She wanted to keep Lexa close and let her know that she’s loved. It was new for her but she’d seen enough movies and read enough stories to know how love works, so far. People argue, have a misunderstanding and once they talked about it they hug eachother, mostly they kiss too but that didn’t seem like a good idea now. Her face was nuzzled in the others neck while she took in the scent which she remembered by now, Lexa’s. It was a scent that could calm down her heart and breathing. Together with Lexa’s warmth it was able to shut off Clarke’s mind for just a while. “I don’t want you to think that I’m uncomfortable around you.” Clarke whispered against Lexa’s neck, one hand on Lexa’s back the other almost resting on the others butt. “I don’t want you to change. I want to know you, all of you.”

[hedasteyuj]

It was odd how Lexa still felt the need to make eye contact even though she knew fully well that it was not something that came easy to Clarke. Standing this close to her, she could tell that the blonde wasn’t even meeting her gaze and yet she continued to force herself to look her in the eye. Yes, she had been acting differently around the redhead compared to how she had behaved around Clarke’s mother but that was hardly a good example. That woman hadn’t been especially high on her list from the very beginning but Lexa wasn’t sure how she was supposed to tell Clarke that, they seemed to be friends after all. “Well, that’s because I’m not too fond of Wendy and I have done an especially poor job at hiding it.” She tried to reason without upsetting the other girl even further.

“I’m not upset with you.” Lexa sighed, lifting a hand to push Clarke’s hair behind her ear before she had a chance to register what she was doing. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I just...” Wish I was different. Her shoulders slumped with what felt a lot like defeat, because even though Clarke was the one who supposedly had trouble understanding her feelings and expressing herself, Lexa was surely struggling. And she couldn’t help but think about how much better she would’ve been at handling all of this, had she met Clarke before Costia. Still a realist, leaning more towards optimism, not broken and hurt, believing in love and wanting to get married despite what had happened with her parents, convinced that a single failed relationship didn’t mean all love was doomed, trusting the universe to be good and kind and forgiving and believing that you could do some actual good and change things for the better, self-confident and trusting her abilities, capable of naming her feelings and telling them apart, capable of remaining levelheaded in spite of them. But Lexa knew she wasn’t supposed to think like that. Because wishing she would’ve met Clarke before life had turned her into who she was now, was wishing she had never met Costia.

Clarke had a point, no one in their art class was especially stable but Lexa couldn’t shake the feeling that she had to prove herself to the girl’s mother somehow. Maybe because of Costia’s parents. And it wasn’t like they were just friends either, was it? Friends didn’t kiss each other like that. They didn’t tell their mother or the other person that they were in love. Friends didn’t need to take things slow. “I want your mother to know that I won’t lose it, if you have a panic attack or if something else happens.” Lexa tried to reason, unsure who she was looking to convince. Momentarily closing her eyes, she exhaled through her nose. “But I’m gonna try to tone it done to a more reasonable level.”

Slowly but surely Lexa’s head was starting to hurt a little and she could feel exhaustion creeping back into her body. When Clarke stepped closer and wrapped her arms around her, she completely failed to react for a second before her muscle memory kicked in and she moved to reciprocate the embrace. But it wasn’t until Clarke nuzzled her face into her neck that her body seemed to remember how to relax again. Lexa nodded faintly at what the other girl said, swallowing against all of the fears that were threatening to spike up at those very words. She didn’t want this to feel like a life or death situation anymore. She wanted everything to go back to how it had been before the blonde’s mother had come home. Before things had gotten complicated all over again. Her lips brushing against Clarke’s temple in a fleeting kiss, Lexa pulled back to look at her, not really meeting her eyes. “Can I watch you paint for a bit?” She still considered it to be incredibly relaxing and it was what Clarke had been doing before she had come over, right?

[notreadytobewithanyone]

Abby told them she didn’t need their help she wanted them to bound and get to know each other better. Clarke deserved a new friend and Lexa seemed to be just the right one for her daughter. She knew Clarke felt more for the other girl but she wasn’t worried about it. Lexa seemed to be handling it really well and Abby knew Clarke had probably told the other about her feelings and if not it was probably going to happen soon. “I will call you in when dinner is ready” She smiled and went to leave to cook dinner. Clarke nodded. She was okay. She was doing fine. It was just weird seeing Lexa change so much in such a short time. That was something she hadn’t thought about could happen. She had always seen her mother as just some adult she liked more than someone else. “I have never seen someone trying to impress my mother. It’s a bit funny even” Clarke chuckled and wondered who else she wanted to impress. She wanted to impress her mother because of reasons Clarke didn’t understand. You wanted to impress them if you wanted to date them but Lexa wanted to take it easy. Taking it easy meant no dating, right? “I’m confused. Just confused. My mother will allow us to spend time. She wants me to make new friends. So why wouldn’t she want us to have contact and she knows I like you so she won’t hate you. I– I don’t like it when you change yourself" Clarke admitted because in the end it was all about that. She wants Lexa to be herself and the way she knows her not a new one. “I like you the way you are.”

[hedasteyuj]

Even when Clarke nodded in affirmation, Lexa’s mind refused to let the issue go completely. It was like she could sense that there was more to come and she was right. Nausea curling in the pit of her stomach she shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans, leaving her elbows locked. “If I were your mother I would prefer my daughter to spend time with people who are mentally stable. I do not believe that I made that kind of impression last time. And a lot of people like things that aren’t even remotely good for them, the company of a select few included. I don’t want your mother to worry about you when you’re with me. I want her to know that I will do my best to ensure that you’re okay.”

Biting the inside of her cheek, she lowered her head a bit, struggling a little to get the words out. “And you should know that you are very much an exception, Clarke. I am not especially comfortable with strangers or other people in general. I am perfectly fine around my friends, who I’ve known for years but I do have trouble relaxing around others. Except for you. Nothing I have ever learned about myself applies when it comes to you.” Jaw tightening, she hesitated. “I guess what that means is that I will never be the same way around others that I am around you. And it is not something I have control over. If that makes you uncomfortable, then I am very sorry but there is only little I can do to change that.”

Lexa took a somewhat shaky breath, not used to laying herself bare like this, and continued. “But that does not mean that I am going to lie to you. Or that I feel any different about you than I did before. I hope you can understand that.” If not then Clarke might’ve just found something about her that she didn’t like. Which was exactly why it was so important that they took this slow. There were bound to be other things about Lexa that she wouldn’t like. The only question was how many there would be and how much they would change the bigger picture.

[notreadytobewithanyone]

Clarke frowned when there got more distance in between her and Lexa. Her mother knew what Clarke felt and she wasn’t ashamed to show in front of her mother. Apparently Lexa didn’t want to and Clarke had to accept that. She took another step away from Lexa towards her painting and started playing with one of the brushes to keep her hands busy. This whole moment felt off and weird. Why was Lexa talking like that, she hadn’t even heard her talking this way to Wendy or any other adult who came to paint. Not that she had seen Lexa talking to anyone really yet hearing her talk like that to her mother was weird.

If she was to meet new people Clarke was polite too but this was more than just polite, it was almost as if Lexa was a whole different person just in a matter of seconds. Clarke was frowning and staring at the ground while she heard her mother and Lexa talking to eachother. In her mind she was going over the previous encounters she had with Lexa but nothing could explain this moment. Was it because her mother was a doctor and you had to be extra polite to doctors just in case you’d meet them again in the hospital? That didn’t make sense because even Clarke had hit one of her doctors one time and they were still nice to her when she came back another time and they still helped her.

Abby smiled back at Lexa and looked over at Clarke quickly to see if everything was still okay. For someone who had a hard time reading others Clarke was just an open book to Abby. She took Lexa’s hand and nodded lightly. “Don’t worry about that. I’m glad you got home safely. If you want any drinks just come inside. I will be preparing dinner. Clarke told me you’re okay with chicken and rice, right?” Abby asked and looked over at her daughter again who was still looking down at the ground as if she could see the ants moving. Abby didn’t question the painting or her daughter’s behaviour and picked up the bags filled with groceries before smiling one last time at Lexa before leaving to start dinner.

In the mean time Clarke hadn’t said a word or moved an inch. Her feet were sown to the ground and her neck was tense from looking down. The words her mother said were going in and out without being registered. It was Lexa’s behaviour which was repeating itself in her mind. She knew people could be two faced, being a bitch to someone and the most innocent person towards another but she had never really seen someone change that much in such a short time but what did she know? She was the disabled one. People made fun of her and maybe Lexa was doing so too now. The insecurities were going to take it’s toll on her tonight but Clarke didn’t mind. She had to go through this in order to be in a relationship. Everyone was insecure only she had ‘the weird ones’. Once she knew her mother was completely out of sight and not able to hear them she looked up and over to Lexa. Her whole posture had changed as if she was someone who had to represent a cooperation. “Lexa?” Clarke started not really knowing how to voice her thoughts without it sounding weirdly. “I know I don’t understand everything and I’m blind for some things but I’m confused. Why do you talk to my mother as if she’s the president? She’s just a doctor and an adult.” Clarke let out a nervous chuckle at the thought of her mother being the president of the states.

[hedasteyuj]

For some reason this felt odd, having her back turned to Clarke. Maybe it was how close they had been just moments ago or maybe it had something to do with Lexa’s now ever-present need to make sure that the blonde was okay. Perhaps it was a combination of both with a dash of something entirely different. Whatever it was, Lexa was already itching to turn back around and diminish the distance between them once again, even though she had only been talking to Clarke’s mom for five minutes at the most. Surprisingly enough however, that was the only thing her mind and body didn’t seem to be okay with; having Clarke that far away. Meeting her mother and acting like a normal, functioning human being didn’t even pose a problem like she had thought it would. “Thank you. That is very kind of you, ma’am.” She nodded, retracting her hand. Lexa was aware that this was starting to surpass polite, bordering on formal but she needed Clarke’s mom to forget the mess of a girl who had fainted upon meeting her for the first time. “Yes, I am more than okay with chicken and rice. If you need a second pair of hands to prepare everything, I’m sure I can be of help.” Queue the part where she prayed to every deity willing to listen that the older woman would not take her up on that offer. She really didn’t want to leave Clarke’s side.

Lexa waited until Clarke’s mom had re-entered the house before she spun back around to face the blonde, her posture relaxing instantly and her features softening. “Yes?” She tilted her head at Clarke’s question, studding her as she stepped closer. A bashful little smile stealing its way onto her features, she let her gaze drop to the ground, folding her arms below her chest and stubbing the lawn with the toe of her shoe, the tips of her ears taking on a faint red hue. “Well... Your mom is a big part of your life and I-” She licked her lips, forcing herself to look up at Clarke, wanting to convey honesty. “I don’t want her to have any second thoughts about us spending time together. I guess I was trying to make a good impression; whether that worked or not. I want her to approve of us being friends or...” Her jaw shifted, head dipping in a faint nod. “She might as well be the president.”

Biting her bottom lip, Lexa uncertainly approached Clarke, reaching a hand out for her but hesitating to touch her. Had she deemed it appropriate, she would’ve stayed by her side the entire time, quite possibly even holding her hand. “Are you okay?” It had not been lost on her how tense the blonde had become once again and she had no idea if that was only because she was confused or if there was something else that was bothering her. What she did know was that it wasn’t Clarke’s mother that had put her into this kind of state; therefore it must have been something she had done.

[hedasteyuj]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER.  

                                   (  PLEASE REPOST, DO NOT REBLOG !  )

TAGGED BY:  @notreadytobewithanyone

1. BASICS

NAME: T (no, you don’t wanna know)

PRONOUNS: she/her

SEXUALITY: Pansexual, Bisexual, Lesbian... idk, ask me again once my experience expands beyond fanfiction.

ZODIAC SIGN: Libra

TAKEN OR SINGLE: single

THREE FACTS:

1.   I love dogs. So much.

2.  I can talk a little bit of sign language.

3.  I do not like being the center of attention but I love acting.

2. EXPERIENCE

HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?): 8 years? or something like that

PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: tumblr, chatzy, omegle, kik (not a good idea)

BEST EXPERIENCE: meeting nice like-minded people

3. MUSE  PREFERENCES

FEMALE OR MALE: female

MULTI OR SINGLE: single

4.  WRITING  PREFERENCES

FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: fluff and angst

PLOTS OR MEMES: I like to start things with memes cause I’m usually too much of a coward to directly approach people

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: Both. Definitely both. There’s a time for long replies and there’s a time for short replies.

BEST TIME TO WRITE: Is ‘weekends’ a viable option?

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S): Maybe a tiny little bit in some aspects but overall no. I don’t think so. Lexa is much cooler.

tagging: everyone who wants to do this

[fffreckles]

Commander Lexa Week| Day 7: Free Choice Lexa’s everything

[critter-of-habit]

Lexa is a good teacher, really - Clarke is just an easily distracted student.

[blindwire]

inktober #9

“Sometimes I close my eyes and try to imagine it.”

“Imagine what?”

“The ground. What if there’s someone down there?”

I got multiple requests to continue the role reversal AU. So here is Lexa as a guard on the ark

[More inktober drawings]

[wlw]

Moodboard: ↳ Forbidden Love; Lexa Woods as The Goddess of Nature & Clarke Griffin as The Huntress.

“You came to the wrong forest, Huntress.”

“Is that so, Goddess?”

[tinakris]

[notreadytobewithanyone]

She won’t. Lexa won’t leave. A promise she made Clarke knew was hard to keep, after all most people left one day or the other. It was easier said than done. Even her father made the promise and he wasn’t here anymore. It was hard to stay positive about this but she wanted to believe Lexa. She wanted her words to be so true. Lexa wasn’t ready for a commitment and Clarke knew that she was a huge commitment because of her condition. Sooner or later she’d know if Lexa really wanted to be ‘friends’ with her or if it was just nice for a little while. Clarke knew she should try to control her emotions but they weren’t controlable in a moment like this. 

Lexa was so close to her, everything felt like a dream. A dream in which you know you’re dreaming. You’re about to wake up but you want to sleep longer, on the edge of waking up but Clarke wasn’t waking up. This wasn’t a dream nor a nightmare. The words didn’t fail her. Clarke believed Lexa wanted the best for her, yet Lexa knew so little about her let alone how to handle most situations. So far they’ve been doing pretty well and Clarke was sure Lexa would always be able to calm her down or help her, explain things to her she didn’t understand. Lexa wouldn’t laugh at her and that was what made her special. Lexa seemed to be able to really understand her without maybe understanding her condition.

Clarke hugged Lexa just a bit tighter before she slowly let go before she was going to feel that tingling sensation she knew would be taking over her thoughts. She looked over at Lexa to see if she was okay but all she could see was this one soft curl next to Lexa’s ear, it was cute and Clarke wondered how that tiny little lock was able to curl up so much while Lexa’s hair was just wavy. She wanted to reach out for it until she heard her mothers voice.

“Hey girls, I’m back a bit early. I hope I’m not interupting. It’s good to see you again Lexa.”

[hedasteyuj]

Lexa was glad that Clarke didn’t question her words. That would undoubtedly put her into a tight spot but she didn’t think she would be able to take them back. Thinking about losing Clarke filled her with almost the same kind of dread she felt when thinking about how Costia was no longer part of her life. She knew that couldn’t be healthy but what about her life after she had lost Costia and before she had met Clarke had been healthy? Nothing. Compared to that, this was one massive step up. Even if this meant that she was putting her happiness into the hands of a single person. Again. One she didn’t even know that well yet. But what choice did she have if that person was the reason that those little sparks of happiness even existed?

When she felt Clarke’s grip loosening, Lexa lessened her hold as well and let her pull back, but she couldn’t refrain from letting her hands drag along the blonde’s body as she did so, reluctance lingering in every fiber of her being. She noticed right away how distracted the other girl seemed but decided not to comment it. Instead, she used this as her chance to study her, marveling once again at how relaxed she looked. Lexa didn’t do anything to stop her either, when Clarke moved her hand to reach up, but stayed completely still. She couldn’t imagine not being okay with whatever Clarke was going to do and she was more than a little curious to learn what was going on in the blonde’s head, blue eyes focused slightly to the left of Lexa’s face.

But she never found out. Clarke’s mom’s voice seemed to come out of nowhere and it startled her to such an extent that Lexa lost track of what was happening for a moment, her system sent into a frenzy. She usually paid more attention to her surroundings than this but it seemed like Clarke simply had a habit of distracting her. She might have visibly jumped at the intrusion but she couldn’t be sure. As opposed to last time however, some kind of survival mechanism seemed to kick in. Her posture straightened instantly but not to the point where it might’ve look like her back was about to snap under all the tension like it did during a panic attack. No, Lexa only felt more alert and clear. Like she was supposed to. Like a normal person would.

Giving the older woman a polite smile, she bobbed her head in a single nod. “Thank you. Clarke was just showing me what she is currently working on.” Understandably enough, the part about the hugging and the kissing was something Lexa didn’t mention. Taking a measured step forward, she held out her hand in greeting. “It is nice to properly meet you Mrs. Griffin. And I would very much like to apologize for how our first meeting went. I wasn’t quite myself.” That was a lie. She had been herself. That had been part of her just as much as this controlled, walls up, polite girl was. But it was a lie she delivered casually, without as much as flinching or breaking eye contact.

[notreadytobewithanyone]

Clarke hoped Lexa wouldn’t be upset because she just pulled back. Her questions were already showing her worries. When Lexa stepped back Clarke wanted nothing more than to close the gap between them. She missed the warmth of Lexa’s body even while the weather was nice today. Slowly her mind was getting louder and thoughts were taking over the good feelings she had felt before. She moved one hand to hear head and rubbed her temple a bit roughly to make sure she won’t hit herself. 

She smiled a little and nodded, agreeing with the hug. It was something she needed now. Otherwise it was going to get out of control. Of all things that could happen a panic attack was the last thing she needed. Clarke took another step in so their bodies were touching again. She wrapped her free arm around Lexa while the other one started pulling her hair a bit knowing Lexa wasn’t able to see it. Clarke bit her bottom lip while she rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder. Her eyes closed and her breathing got even again.

The hug was able to calm her down again, yet her thoughts were still all over the place. People were confusing and as much as she liked Lexa she was also confusing. She wanted to take it slow but what is taking slow? They were kissing and they were hugging and Clarke already told Lexa she loves her. Was that the problem? Feelings? Did Lexa just want to do this with her because of this human need to get off? She squeezed her eyes tighter wanting to get rid of these thoughts. She should trust Lexa because Lexa was different. She accepted her so far and Clarke was grateful for that.

Clarke nuzzled her face in Lexa’s neck and let go of her hair, slowly lowering her arm to wrap it around Lexa to hold her even tighter. It was just enough to let Lexa breathe but she was the only person that made her feel so many good things in such a short time that it was scary. Scared that Lexa might leave forever. ”Don’t leave.” Clarke whispered before pressing a kiss against Lexa’s shoulder not just to stop herself from biting her lip but also showing Lexa how she felt, how much she liked kissing her and she’d seen her father doing this to her mother. It mostly made her smile and who knows if these small kisses were the ones her mother missed the most.

[hedasteyuj]

At Clarke’s nod, Lexa stepped in to meet her halfway, sliding both arms around the shorter girl to encase her in a hug. All of the tension had already left her muscles when Clarke had confirmed that she was okay and yet, with the blonde safe in her hold, it felt like her body relaxed even further. It felt like she was at peace. Standing so close, with Clarke’s chin resting on her shoulder, she could feel the girl’s breathing slow down and even out again. Letting the gentle rhythm lull her into a sense of security, Lexa allowed her eyes to flutter shut, tuning out the rest of the world, which in turn made her hyper-aware to everything that was Clarke. Every spot in which they were touching, the warmth of her body pressed comfortably against her own, the rise and fall of her chest, the smell of her shampoo as well as a scent that was uniquely hers... Just everything. Trying her best to keep herself from giving into the urge to turn her face into Clarke’s hair, Lexa only held her closer instead. She really didn’t want to let go or step away anytime soon and chances were that would become a very real problem in the foreseeable future.

It wasn’t fair, Lexa knew that. It was not fair that she seemed to be perfectly fine with this. With kissing and hugging and holding hands and maybe even more, while she tumbled headfirst into a state of mind-numbing panic the moment Clarke mentioned that damned four lettered word. Lexa did like her a lot and she definitely had feelings for her that exceeded the friendly kind but she just couldn’t. Especially with the approaching anniversary looming over her head, a prematuer admittance of feelings felt like a death sentence. Swallowing hard, she pressed her eyes shut tightly against the burning sensation of telltale tears, refusing to let her control slip. Clarke was the one who deserved her attention right now. Warm, beautiful, alive and still very much pressed against her. And it was ridiculous, because all the blonde did was nuzzle into her neck and lock her other arm around her to hold her even tighter and within the fraction of a second, Lexa’s heart was too busy soaring to feel heavy. So why was this so fucking complicated?

Don’t leave. Lexa’s eyes snapped open instantly, unfocused and blinking. Perhaps it was how familiar she was with what it felt like to be left that had her replying so quickly. “I won’t.” Her words rang with a finality she hadn’t thought herself capable of, not in this respect, but she was pretty certain that she wouldn’t be able to leave Clarke even if she wanted to. Lexa didn’t really believe in fate and she didn’t even want to think about the possibility of soulmates – the existence of such a thing would mean that either her relationship with Costia had been doomed from the get-go or that whatever she had with Clarke was without a doubt going to turn into one gigantic tragedy – but it did feel like they were inevitably bound together by the universe. However ridiculous that sounded. And she knew it was a stupid thing to say or even think and she should just keep her mouth shut but somehow the communication between different parts of her brain, her gut and the rest of her body failed to work properly because before she knew what was happening, her lips were moving again. “I promise.”

[notreadytobewithanyone]

Clarke nodded. Water was indeed easy but it bore her sometimes. She liked water to have a flavor even it was just one leave of mint. It was enough for her to make a difference. Tap water to her was horrible by itself, the slight irony taste mixed with the dirt that’s in the pipelines only made her shiver once more. Yet she kept drinking it, preferably after she boiled it. It just gave her some more confidence that she wouldn’t catch a cold or something else from tap water.

The kiss was heavenly just on its own. It being with Lexa made her feel like she was in heaven herself. Clarke could already see them standing there from another view, the view of a camera. In her mind sparkles were flying all around them, butterflies were floating in the air and fire works were in the back. They were a perfect couple to Clarke but she knew she couldn’t think like that. Lexa needed time, Lexa needed space. Lexa wanted to take it slow so therefore Clarke was going to take it slow but she wasn’t going to give up on these amazing kisses.

When Lexa touched her cheek and she felt the eyes burning with worry. She knew that look from her mother, knowing her mother worried abou ther too. It was the slight frown that showed Lexa’s worry. With a small smile Clarke assured Lexa she was fine. It was just overwhelming, a bit light headed Clarke her eyes finally found Lexa’s to see if she might be able to read them. “I– I– I’m happy. I feel happy. It’s just overwhelming, I– I never felt so many emotions at once. They feel good.” She admitted and blushed a bit shyly. She shifted her feet a bit and wanted nothing more than to kiss Lexa’s lips again but Clarke knew she had to take a couple of breaths to calm down her feelings before she jumped into things Lexa didn’t want. It was already hard to control her body around Lexa and she could feel the same feeling she had when they last saw eachother. The need and will to touch Lexa in inappropriate places was killing her slowly but she knew she couldn’t do it. She shouldn’t do it.

[hedasteyuj]

Lexa’s lips slowly hitched up into a soft smile as Clarke explained to her that the reason for her tears was happiness. The tension she hadn’t noticed building in her body left with a breathless little laugh and she almost found herself leaning in to kiss the other girl again just because. She managed to catch herself just in time but she couldn’t tell whether that was a positive or a negative thing. Right now kissing Clarke again didn’t seem like a bad idea at all but she was sure she would thank herself later for stopping in time.

“That’s good.” Lexa told her, fingers still stroking over pale skin, her own eyes beginning to water but no tears escaping as an unexpected wave of feelings crashed into her with full force and there were no walls up to protect her from feeling so intensely and so god damn much all at the same time. Once again, she realized with striking clarity that making this girl happy, seeing her smile and hearing her laugh was really all she wanted and Lexa couldn’t help but break a little at the realization that she could evoke these kind of feelings in the blonde. She didn’t think she had inspired such a positive feeling in anyone in quite a long time. Panic, worry, annoyance, pity, indifference, anger, helplessness… yes. But not happiness.

Lexa’s entire body was still thrumming with the need to touch Clarke again – somehow, anyhow – and the unexpected eye contact only made it worse. Biting her bottom lip she straightened up a little, effectively bringing some distance between them. She hadn’t even realized that she had been leaning in as she had studied the other girl’s face. Letting her hands trail down Clarke’s arms – as well as that worked with her cast anyway – Lexa stopped just above her elbows, fingers curling around the blonde’s biceps as she imperceptibly stepped forward. Clarke had yet to react badly to spontaneous touching but that didn’t mean she would never and Lexa just really wanted to make sure that she was alright with whatever was going on. “Is it okay if I hug you?”