i'll still kick yr dad's ass

still here, still trying my best. Bay Area based.

[hellapangit]

October 5, 2016 - the first thing I ever wrote in my phone about them, less than 4 months after meeting them

Ryan,

You're on the other side of the country right now, but you're always on my mind here.

I love you so much (in case you didn't know)

I can't stop thinking about you (in case I didn't tell you)

I'm always missing you even when we're in the same time zone (please come back soon btw)

I never thought I'd be capable of feeling this way about another person. I know I've only known you for a few months but what I've experienced with you, I know will have very lasting effects on me.

For the record, I knew I was crazy but I didn't know I was this kind of crazy. (Crazy 4 u just like the Madonna song)

Speaking of crazy, sometimes all I do is daydream about you.

All I think about is our future. About the possibility of getting to wake up to you and seeing you next to me.

Baby, I'll cook you eggs benedict every morning if you asked me to. I'll try every flavor of noosa yogurt with you if that's something that you'd like to do. I'll even go to a sushi place to order takeout just so I can get a large side order of ginger so we can feed it to each other in bed.

I love you, your crooked smile, your determined hands, and the way your shoulders slouch when you look at me sometimes.

My heart is always heavy thinking of you because I miss you every moment we're not together and it's swelled up with how much I feel for you.

You really are my baby. And the love of my life.

And I am a giant cornball, I know. I really can't help it though, so I hope you'll forgive me for all this corn and cheese.

I love you a lot lot lot. I can't wait to be pressed against your chest again. I'm going to tell you all the things I've written here when you come back. My head will be tucked into your neck and I'll speak softly into your ear and tell you all the ways being with you makes me happy.

I hope you have as much fun as possible on your tour, but please get home safely (and swiftly).

with all the love that can possibly be contained in one human body,

Frankie

[hellapangit]

April 13, 2023 - 1 week before we made the decision to finally break up, 1 month before I realized I was experiencing the worst betrayal of my adult life

I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Changed into an unremarkable but comfy home outfit so I wouldn’t have to associate this painful moment with any singular piece of clothing. I put my necklaces I always wear on because it just feels right to and then I put a bandanna on to keep my hair from my face. I made sure the box of tissues was within easy reaching distance and I got back into bed to write this.

I think about how it’ll go down. I wonder if you’ll go the route of saying I’m the most important thing in your life and you’ve never loved anyone like you’ve loved me before you ease into the “but”

I love you so much but I don’t think I can fix things anymore

I love you so much but maybe we’re too far gone

I love you so much but I don’t want to keep hurting you

I love you but I don’t know what to do

I’m trying to think of what my “I love you but”’s are. I can’t think of anything. Crying again but it’s marginally less distracting than it usually is because I’m forcing myself to stay focused. I know I have to write this down. I know I have to be prepared. I think you’ll come home within the hour. Head out around your lunch break and head straight home. I wonder if we’ll talk on the phone while you’re on the way. It will probably be a bad idea if we do or it could be totally fine, but it will just be short check ins with a lot of long pauses and sighs.

Time is running out but simultaneously time has never moved so slow for me before. How long will it take once it actually happens? Maybe 10 minutes and some crying and then maybe one of us will go back and say “nevermind I love you I believe in us let’s work through this” — that’s what usually happens but I think we both know this time it’s different. There’s a whole other person in the equation now. There’s a whole other person whose feelings must be considered and protected. Even though mine weren’t. Damn I wish I could be selfish. I wish I had it in me, but fundamentally I don’t want something for you that you don’t want for yourself. I think about how you couldn’t say what you wanted and kept saying that you don’t know what to do because you knew exactly what you wanted but didn’t want to keep hurting me. You knew what the right thing to do was but you didn’t want to do it.

There are no sides to this but everyone will know how much you hurt me. It’s not what I want but it’s undeniable. I always thought if this happened it’d be my fault. Not that this is your fault, what happened happened and you caught feelings unexpectedly, but damn, does it fucking suck for me. Objectively. Not that it matters but it is objective and may actually warrant me letting people feel bad for me. I guess I have to accept that too. This might make things worse but I need to get it off my chest —Can I tell you something that I’ve never told anyone before? I made the same wish on every birthday candle I ever blew out on every birthday I had since I met you. All I wished for was you.

Okay only like 40 minutes left I have to get it together. You just texted me that you’re coming home. I don’t feel prepared actually. Was it really fucking dumb that I thought I could prepare for this?? Maybe

I’ll survive. I’ll get through this. I have family and friends that aren’t connected to you. I can untangle my life from yours. One day I can run into you and give you a medium long hug without feeling choked up. I can go to sleep without missing you. I can wake up without missing you. I can one day go a whole ass day without ever thinking about you. I believe in that. You’ll still be around but you’ll respect my boundaries and want me to heal. I know you’ll prioritize that after this. I know you feel like you owe it to me and I know as long as I don’t ask for anything else, you will. I just need to be firm about this. I need to accept this is what’s best for me and what’s best for us. Even if you’re the only person I’ve ever loved like this before. Even if I never imagined a future without you. Even if up until this moment, the last 7 years of my life revolve around you. Even though I know you feel the same way, things aren’t the same anymore. They never will be. You

Maybe 10 minutes left now. You didn’t end up calling me and that’s understandable. I’m dreading this moment so fucking much. Will I even be able to speak? Will I just bawl my eyes out yet again and babble about how hurt I am and how could you do this to me just more of the painful things for me to say and you to hear, the same conversation we’ve been having every day for the past week

Am I allowed to be angry when it happens? I know as soon as I get angry you’ll leave. Maybe that’s what needs to happen for us to actually go through with this, this time. I would just like to limit the amount of hurtful things I say out of anger

Should I just send you what I wrote earlier today when I decided this was inevitable? Should I ask you to read it before you talk to me Should I just read it out loud when you come into the room?? I literally do not know what to do I really don’t know what to do

I think 5 minutes left

I’m afraid to hear your footsteps come up the stairs. I’m writing this as fast as I can. I can’t believe this is happening I don’t know what to do please let me be strong enough to do what I need to do please let me value myself to not let you back in and put me in another position of being chosen over again. Please be kind and warm and understanding and reassuring but realistic and pragmatic. Please care about me as much as you claim to. Please let me live the rest of my life without ever having the chance to feel this way again. I wish I spent all those birthday wishes on that instead. I shouldn’t have wished for us to work out forever, i wish I could go back in time and blow out every single one of the candles and wished for you to never hurt me like this

God I am being a fucking baby about this. I will not be a baby about this. I will not spiral into self pity I will say what I want

I think I hear you pulling up fuck

I still want you though at the end of the day I always want you it’s always been you I’ve never doubted that but it wasn’t enough

Why couldn’t you want me just as much as I wanted you why did you let this happen

This is it now. This is happening

You’re here now fuck

[hellapangit]

October 5, 2016 - the first thing I ever wrote in my phone about them, less than 4 months after meeting them

Ryan,

You're on the other side of the country right now, but you're always on my mind here.

I love you so much (in case you didn't know)

I can't stop thinking about you (in case I didn't tell you)

I'm always missing you even when we're in the same time zone (please come back soon btw)

I never thought I'd be capable of feeling this way about another person. I know I've only known you for a few months but what I've experienced with you, I know will have very lasting effects on me.

For the record, I knew I was crazy but I didn't know I was this kind of crazy. (Crazy 4 u just like the Madonna song)

Speaking of crazy, sometimes all I do is daydream about you.

All I think about is our future. About the possibility of getting to wake up to you and seeing you next to me.

Baby, I'll cook you eggs benedict every morning if you asked me to. I'll try every flavor of noosa yogurt with you if that's something that you'd like to do. I'll even go to a sushi place to order takeout just so I can get a large side order of ginger so we can feed it to each other in bed.

I love you, your crooked smile, your determined hands, and the way your shoulders slouch when you look at me sometimes.

My heart is always heavy thinking of you because I miss you every moment we're not together and it's swelled up with how much I feel for you.

You really are my baby. And the love of my life.

And I am a giant cornball, I know. I really can't help it though, so I hope you'll forgive me for all this corn and cheese.

I love you a lot lot lot. I can't wait to be pressed against your chest again. I'm going to tell you all the things I've written here when you come back. My head will be tucked into your neck and I'll speak softly into your ear and tell you all the ways being with you makes me happy.

I hope you have as much fun as possible on your tour, but please get home safely (and swiftly).

with all the love that can possibly be contained in one human body,

Frankie

[hellapangit]

I wanna sink into the warm embrace of the memories of how we used to be but I know you can’t hug a memory you can only feel it’s absence

[hellapangit]

[hellapangit]

my whole life I’ve been banking on the fact that I’d die early and I really, really mean that. When I was 5 or 6 and first started to become aware and question my existence and how profoundly alone I suddenly felt it was the first real fear I’ve ever experienced. As I grew older and learned about how sick I’d been and how it meant that I would always be at the risk of being that sick, that since that chromosome that happened to mutate before I was even fucking born meant that I was doomed, that I won the genetic lottery but in the worst way possible, I was so relieved. I was so unbelievably relieved. And I’ve been counting on that. 26 was the deadline that I had always imagined and it’s stuck with me for as long as I can remember. I’ve always believed there was no way I could make it past that. Now I’m a little over a year away from the expiration date I set for myself and five from reaching the point where I’ll no longer be at risk of being sick from the one kind of pain I’ve always prepared myself to willingly suffer. And I’m realizing I will probably will be fine. I will probably survive into my 30’s. I will likely live a full life. And that terrifies me. I didn’t plan for this

[mujibedsheet]

Visit Original Link

[oldfilmsflicker]

Joan Didion: The Center Will Not Hold, 2017 (dir. Griffin Dunne)

[thinkpiecebot]

How Trans Twitter Corrupts Screaming To Spread Manufactured Outrage

[1010ll]

https://www.instagram.com/p/BYEQQorl3Yx/?

[thinkpiecebot]

Is Cultural Marxism The Explanation For Bodysuits?

[hellapangit]

another lesson I’ve learned from grieving: life moves ruthlessly fast. even if you feel like you can’t move on, life still will move forward. with or without you

[365filmsbyauroranocte]

J'ai faim, j'ai froid (Chantal Akerman, 1984)

(you can watch it here, 12 minutes)

[softwaring]

A sheep dyed orange in Glen Quaich. Sheep are dyed orange to highlight their black faces for judging at Agricultural shows.

[beetlebongos]

Sweet potato

[unflavoredwaxedfloss20]

Park DahamさんはInstagramを利用しています:「?????? (생일 축하합니다 ㅇㅇ)」

[neonelven]

Cloud Forest, Singapore

[thehighpriestofreverseracism]

reblog or the gods of glo up will not bless you

[doctorproctorr]

Can’t take that chance

[beefbearrito]

Rebloged so fast I almost broke my phone

[hellapangit]

I keep encountering people from an old life telling me not to give up on making art but I think it’s too late to go back I don’t know maybe all that I amount to is unfulfilled potential