hiraya manawari means "sana matupad", or in gen-z terms "sanaol"
The past year was THE real rollercoaster ride of my life. Who would have thought I'd survive and learn so much from that? Maybe it's character development or maybe I've just come to terms that I'm a grown-up now, who's starting to learn the gist of life and doing adulting.
For the past year, I haven't been consistent in doing my written journals, I didn't even get to write on all of the pages, and I bought it last January of 2022, thinking that I'd use it all year. I don't plan on buying any new journal now, since I always forget I even have one. So here we are, you will become my journal. You will be my one and only reader and I hope you stick around for a long time.
How did you celebrate the holidays? For me, I celebrated it with family, even though Tatay is not around anymore, I still tried to do the annual rituals like decorating around the house, building the Christmas tree, and having noche buena. Sadly for this year, I still haven't completed the 9-day Misa de Gallo, and I don't think I ever will. That's something that Tatay would've done without fail.
For New Year's Eve, we had dinner and celebrated with torotot (trumpets), lit up fountains (fireworks are banned where I live), and sparklers to welcome the new year. Same holiday rituals, but I know deep inside the "magic" I felt when I was younger was gone. It's not the same anymore, I've grown out of it, for the most part, but I do like to celebrate Christmas and New Year's. Both are equally important in the upbringing of relationships for friends and loved ones. There's so much to unpack, my emotions are not as stable as I seem to be, despite Nanay's preparations, there is this constant nagging feeling of not being enough, it feels like I could've done something -- her efforts do not go unnoticed by me, she may not hear me say it but I'm so proud of her for surviving. I hope she continues to do so because I'll be right there with her -- but I could've done something to keep the holiday spirit alive in this house.
The fact that I'm feeling this way now makes me admit that I still haven't gone over the fact that he's not here anymore. Maybe I'll miss the times when I can see my family smiling and having fun because he's the family comedian. Like a glue that sticks everyone together, and not a single one is bored. Getting a bit emotional as I type this in but yes, maybe I do really miss my Tatay. He's my Tatay for god's sake, but we can't have everything now can we? It's hard to become slapped with the realization that my achievements for the following years, he won't get to see it. He won't be there on my birthdays, my graduation, my "get-to-know-the-family-" situation, I won't get to introduce him to my partner, and he won't get to see me walk down that aisle when I graduate. I won't have someone ask me to pose on every corner to take my picture. He's the one who taught me how to capture moments, even the smallest of things, to have those feelings in pictures, frozen in time.
Now I'll be the one to say, "Sanaol may Tatay pa."
I did not expect my 2023 to go that way but I am still grateful. When I say grateful, I am grateful for the fact that life didn't end at 21. What has happened may have changes my outlook on life, made me weaker, made me stronger, made me regret so many things and yet also made me realize that I am finally living. I've lived away for almost two years now, for college, and I could say that its not easy to count up the balance for the rentals when I know that I can't even pay it myself, and instead of saving money, I buy things impulsively and splurge on makeup, just to make me keep going to school. I've been oblivious to the fact that I succumbed to the trends of this generation, and I feel so bad when I realize that I could've saved the money and used it for another time for more important things. Yes, I do get to have the chance to buy what I want, eat three meals a day, and go to college in a town 2-hours away and live in a boarding house -- but I am always reminded that we are not rich and that Nanay is working hard to provide me everything. I've only realized that now when I got older and moved far away -- maybe my studies also made me feel guilty because my grades are not exactly that high and a part of me keeps telling me that I could've done better.
"Sanaol financially blessed and stable"
The hardest part of all this is I still have to complete a case study, and really start working on my thesis, but I am the best procrastinator there is.
I don't really believe in manifestations, but if what they really say is true, then what's there to lose right?
hiraya manawari, buhay ko ay magiging masaya.
