It Will Always Hurt

csa rape trauma abuse angel angels ptsd cptsd dissociation depression cutting My story My artwork

[herestothemourning326]

Tw csa, rape

My vagina aches as if it’s still pushing in to me

How did I survive the pain. Not that I remember the worst of it.

My little heart almost stopped. Consciousness fading. Did I pass out? I’m still alive. But part of me is dead forever. It won’t be okay. I won’t be okay ever again.

It still doesn’t make sense. How can such a big penis fit inside such a small little body. Hollowed me out. A nightmare.

No escape. She’s always messing with me down there. RAPING me with her fingers. Then holding me down, holding my legs open when he rapes me with his penis. So much rape. There are always things being put inside me

I have to be making this all up. Some sick fantasy. This doesn’t happen in real life. Brutality like this doesn’t really exist. Tiny children don’t have their insides hurt like this. Torn by a grown man’s penis deep deep inside of me.

But it did happen. How do I live with it? I don’t want to live. It’s way too much

[herestothemourning326]

Tw csa, rape

Why do we feel the need to do this? (Self-harm)

I want to crawl out of my fucking skin

Fuck this body

Things put INSIDE me

Inside me. In my body. My vagina. His penis was so terrifying. How is it IN ME. Inside me inside me inside me inside me inside me

It hurts. When it's in me it hurts. He broke me. It's not supposed to be inside me

Sometimes she made me feel so good. Disgusting. My body betrayed me back then and it betrays me now. I like when she touches me there. But I don't like it

Why do we feel the need to do this?

It's still in there. So much not remembered and not spoken. But my body remembers.

How can I live with this?

I have no choice. I was raped before I had the words and knowledge to understand or say it. How young was I the first time? This weighs on me. Not that it makes a difference. A monster kept forcing his penis into me. Why is it moving around in me.

It was unbearable. Is unbearable. Horrifying to look at. But I can't stop looking at it and thinking about it. This happened to ME. This body. My body. I think I'm starting to wrap my head around it, but it's almost intolerable.

When J raped me he ripped my insides apart. But in the other hole. Neither hole safe. Mouth not safe either (B). I am humiliated (N) and overpowered (N). Mind not safe (all of them).

Just fucking kill me. Not really, but sometimes I feel it all at once and I just want to die. It's too heavy.

That's why we feel the need to do this. But we won't. We're going down a bad path and we already know where it leads. It won't un-rape me. It won't help me come to terms with it. It helps a little bit with wrapping my mind around the horror of it, but only a little bit at a time.

I know other people have had it much worse, but how did all of this happen to me? Will I survive?

Of course I will. I'll push through. This agony won't last forever (it fucking better not).

[toponderpurple]

[haleyincarnate]

No one could have prepared you for what you went through. 

[crucifixcavity]

you’ve got the mark of the beast

[crucifixcavity]

or you will find something you do not want to see

[crucifixcavity]

slick boot

[doctorlovesick]

[ojibwa]

[repulsive-doll-deactivated20221]

[expressions-of-nature]

by Maria Babintseva

[skzhhssh-deactivated20190330]

its really comforting to know that all the times i was at my lowest and loneliest in the past the whole time i had my self in the future and present who had survived those things looking back with love and tenderness and wishing desperately to offer comfort…i am my own guardian angel and i can use that knowledge when im struggling now and remember that somewhere there is a version of me that has survived this and is watching me with love and pride and joy in her heart

[symptoms-syndrome]

We grew up learning that our bodies don't matter and that pain or discomfort are their normative modes of experience. We learn that our bodies are there to gratify others' needs and that they are worthless and undeserving in and of themselves.

So it's little wonder then that as adults we continue to treat our bodies the same way...but the abuse isn't over until the fat lady sings, or rather, the abuse isn't over until we start to notice our bodies, care for our bodies, resource our bodies, rest our bodies, even love them.

Carolyn Spring, "Ten Steps Towards Recovery," from her book Recovery is My Best Revenge.

[herestothemourning326]

"...neither the “me” nor the “not me” self is likely to have well-developed chronological memories of the traumatic events that could provide a context for self-understanding. Due to the nature of traumatic memory, what can be “recalled” tends to appear in the form of intrusive images, emotions, and physical reactions (Van der Kolk, 2006; 2014) that occur spontaneously without warning, not a sequence of narrative memories that make a clear-cut case for what happened “beyond a reasonable doubt.” "

-Janina Fisher, Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation; page 20

[dreamscaper]

om3lette

[brokenightlight]

[thefaeriefolk]