hideyourmuse

Life is long and dull, punctuated by occasional bliss and agony

[hermiseriedmuse]

Thank you for hugging me when I was crying even though I’ve learned to be deeply ashamed of my base human feelings: a memoir

[ithelpstodream]

[hermiseriedmuse]

I’ve been GF/wifezoned more than the reverse. I start fucking a dude and then he wants to hang out and then he wants me to have dinner at his mom’s house. 

[hermiseriedmuse]

baby’s first play party

Naked and whipped in front of 30 or so strangers. 

What a night. What a life. 

[hermiseriedmuse]

My fuckbuddy’s broken penis works again!

HURRRAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!

Backstory: My fuckbuddy was fucking this chick absolutely wasted drunk, tried to pull all the way out and slam his cock back in, and that shit S-N-A-P-P-E-D. 

The head of his cock was on the side of his penis. Real talk. This is real and it happens. 

PENIS HAVERS: If this happens to you PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO THE ER. Because my boy immediately drove himself to the hospital, they got him into surgery (YES IT CAN ONLY BE REPAIRED WITH SURGERY) right away, and 6 or so weeks later, he’s all back to fucking per usual. 

Also: HOLY FUCKING SHIT RIGHT?! His urologist said he does about 5 a week. So it actually happens all the dang ol time. Don’t be embarrassed. 

[porterr-robinson]

[twitchmarie44-deactivated201902]

[hermiseriedmuse]

i wish i liked anything as much as riding a horse or riding a dick.

and it’s like 50/50 on cost of one versus overall cost of the other. 

[unicornsw-highsexdrives69]

[sweetsassylala]

Anything you want, daddy

[thedudeleftthebuilding-deactiva]

[hermiseriedmuse]

it’s 4 fucking 30

BRAIN. Let me sleep. 

We masturbated with Clitoris all afternoon. We ate lettuce wraps and drank vodka with Mouth. We had a hot bath with Skin. 

The rest of us are worn out and we need you to calm the fuck down. 

[tastefullyoffensive]

View this post on Instagram

Daffodil seeing a male turkey for the first time. 🤯

[hermiseriedmuse]

“I. WANNA. BE. FANCY. TOO.” 

[hermiseriedmuse]

I turned 30 and yet sometimes I still want a strange, handsome man to stop at the table where my family is fighting for no reason and ask me if I want to go for a walk, just to give me a break from the tension. 

Instead, I smoke cigarettes. The man never shows up. The stupid fight is never late. My jaw unclenches by midnight. 

[hermiseriedmuse]

Two of my friends are the chefs at Foxgardin in Indianapolis. They’re............really into the details. 

BTW, if you haven’t heard, food is kind of a big deal here now. 

[hermiseriedmuse]

Just my friend’s dog watching Elf at the brewery. 

[hermiseriedmuse]

hey if this last week/month/year has been traumatizing as fuck for you...

Me fucking too. 

Reliving every pass by an adult man when I was a teenager. Reliving every time I tried to tell an adult that a boy was following/touching/harassing me and I heard “Just ignore him” or “boys are like that” or was told I was lying altogether. 

I relived every time a man with more power than me asked me on dates I didn’t want to go on, asked me for my phone number, and then punished me for saying no. 

I relived the sex I had because I thought it was the only way I’d be allowed to leave. 

I relived every hand that went up my skirt at every bar. I relived every fucking hateful “friend” who told me I should feel lucky because I’m thick and I probably wouldn’t get that much male attention in my life. 

I relived every rape threat, and every scoffed-at rape threat. 

And now I’m drunk and angry and crying in front of the fire. And I’m almost out of weed. Fuck. 

[rytfujgkuhhgmjgh]

this bitch empty

YEET

[hermiseriedmuse]

I started a porn podcast....

Well, I am in the process of starting one. 

if you’re already in dirty tumblr, you will like the Horn Pub Podcast. 

You can follow us on Instagram if you want to find out when we release our first few episodes. For now it’s just erotic art, not that anyone on here would mind. 

But soon, we will put all of our porn thoughts on your rectangles...