Part of the problem is, I just be bored.
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@herwordsunspoken
Part of the problem is, I just be bored.
Itās the fact that I know I donāt want him seriously, but I like to entertain him. Iām being toxic. I donāt want to be l, but I canāt help him. Heās fine as hell, but I canāt or wonāt take him seriously. Why? I donāt know. Girls just want to have fun⦠but itās not right because I know he wants something more than just a good time. Or do I? Am I gaslighting myself? Cause I tend to do that a lot. Iām just so damn indecisive. Iām not used to a guy actually pressing me to settle down. Iām used to flirting, and having my fun with no strings attached.
But I feel like thatās not what he wants, so itās not fair for me to string him along. Itās not fair for me to keep coming in and out his life as I please knowing I donāt want to take him serious. Itās not fair to him. Cause Iām perfectly fine doing that as long as he allows it.
The ladies on TikTok believe that because they are infertile, women who are fertile shouldnāt be allowed abortions⦠Iām so confused at the correlation.
The men on tiktok are debating if childbirth is more painful than getting hit in the nuts. This guy said āI know it donāt hurt cause these bitches be having 5-6 of emā š
Tattoos are painful yet people have full leg and arm sleeves. Piercings are painful yet you can see people with 10+ piercings.
Just because something is painful doesnāt mean they not going do it. Like what be up with this logic?
Lover girls love themselves first.
I literally be mad asf thinking about all I did for a nka I never even wanted. Like he was deadass a charity case.
I would ruin my sleep schedule to talk to you
I really couldnāt have liked olā boy that much cause not once did I write a song about him. But a nka I never even dated got 2 songs ššš
Iāve never been the type to date someone solely based on looks.
Like yeah, physical attraction matters to an extent, but when you really think about itāsome of the most beautiful celebrities aged terribly. That glow, that body, those sharp features? They donāt last forever.
So if Iām investing in a long-term partnership, it has to be deeper than aesthetics. Because what happens when the looks fade and all youāre left with is an empty personality or no emotional depth? I need someone whose character ages well. Whose mind, spirit, and intentions are attractive even when their face isnāt at its peak anymore.
Beauty fades. Substance stays.
I keep seeing sisters on TikTok with big age gaps, and it always takes me back to when I was little and looked up to my sister so much.
But the truth is⦠she never really cared that much. Like, I know she loves me, but weāve just never been close.
Whenever I see those TikToks of big sisters shouting out their little sisters as their best friends, it touches this place inside me that I canāt even fully explain. It makes me wish I had a little sister so I could be the big sister best friend I always wanted for myself.
Sometimes being desired feels⦠yucky.
Like, yeah, people want me. They want my smile, my curves, the idea of me pressed up against them. They want me to laugh at their jokes, to flirt back, to give them a piece of me they can brag about later.
But wanting me and knowing me are not the same.
And lately, I keep thinking⦠maybe Iāll never find genuine love. Maybe people only see my body and not my mind, my heart, my softness, my fears.
I hate how people look at me like Iām a meal. Like Iām only here to satisfy their hunger.
I want someone who wants to trace the lines of my scars, not just the curve of my hips. Someone who wants to hear my random thoughts about life, the ones that make no sense but mean everything to me. Someone who wants to know why certain songs make me cry, why I flinch when they touch me a certain way.
Iām tired of being a fantasy. I want to be a person.
Being lusted after sounds cute until you realize how lonely it feels.
just because itās me, doesnāt mean thereās no consequence.
iām so tired of people doing things to me, saying things to me, and then expecting me to just be cool about it. like iām not supposed to feel a way. like iām supposed to just swallow it and move on.
and the moment i speak up? here comes the gaslighting. āitās not that deep.ā āyouāre being dramatic.ā āi didnāt mean it like that.ā
no. you did what you did. you said what you said. and iām allowed to feel how i feel.
donāt act confused when i stop talking. donāt act shocked when i go quiet. itās not that iām passive. iām just exhausted. yāall keep crossing lines and expecting grace just because itās me.
stop confusing my silence for forgiveness. sometimes itās just protection. for me.
And the crazy part about it all is I havenāt truly been healing. But ignoring the pains and traumas of life just trying to move forward. Idk whatās been in the air around me lately, but all of those wounds are opening back up⦠and im honestly just trying to see how I can actually heal⦠how I can truly forgive. To just take some of the blame off of myself, not to put onto the next person but to just accept it for what it was and move on. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change so many things⦠but I guess that would only be worth it if I truly didnāt love who I became today. All the things Iāve experienced have shaped me into who I currently am. And while I still have a lot more work that needs to be done, Iām liking who I have become. I just wish it didnāt have to hurt so much to get here.
Genuinely curious to see how my personality would be if I was the oldest child versus the youngest. Like⦠I feel like a lot of my personality are just cool traits that I picked up from my older siblings because I adored them as a child. So like, if I didnāt have those older siblings to kind of mold and shape me, who tf would I be?
Not going lie, my heart is too big. I make friends, go above and beyond for them and receive nothing in return. Try to show people how good of a friend I am through actions and get met with manipulation so they can take advantage of my kind heart. Itās draining. But after extended isolation; I do eventually want some kind of connection. Whether it be platonic or romantic I crave community. But Iām starting to feel like everyone that I met in my mid to late 20s just want to use me. Then people talk about it like āohh sheās dumb, she shouldnāt have gave this person this, did that, etc.ā but if I didnāt then Iād be a stuck up bitch who thinks sheās better than everyone because she has a silver spoon in her mouth. Itās like why is it so hard to find genuine people š EVERYONE has been hurt, EVERYONE has been through shit in life so why do some people try to use that as an excuse for how they treat people.