The Future Is That Mountain

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[heymikewaskom]

life is extremely difficult as an unmoored person who is chronically sentimental. I can't believe who and where i've been, where and what i am now, and yet can't fathom where i will be in the future. it is heartbreaking.

[academiccoachtaylor-blog]

Academic Coach Taylor has some advice for you.

[heymikewaskom]

It's something I don't know how to fully articulate (let alone begin to process) just how much despair I feel at the current state of this country. True fear and despair.

[pbrbateson]

Contemplating coming back to tumblr and blogging my life because I’m going through a kind of lonely time in my life.

[heymikewaskom]

Same. Except I'm almost too busy being poor to update the tumblog.

[heymikewaskom]

Leaving the Netherlands. Been here 8 days. I've had so many good experiences but I'm ready to return. I miss my Wilder.

[heymikewaskom]

I'm in Eindhoven. Feeling good.

[heymikewaskom]

today W wanted to wear a hat and wear it backwards like me. she's such a joy to spend time with. even at mundane places like the grocery store.

I really am pushing it to get this post out before midnight, but here we are. 10:48p. It's hard to believe that this year i got divorced. well, we're not finalized yet, but my lawyer sent over the final draft of the decree or whatever this morning at 4am. she was fucking up, and, insanely, i was too. all the tropes are true, all the things that people say to comfort you are trite. i'm going to be ok. i am also massively sad about this whole thing. for better or for much worse, i really didn't see this coming. in the way you think your car is old and shitty but will still get you to work, and you just take for granted that it'll start on a cold morning, i just assumed that we were in a ebb and would eventually flit back into a flow. our problems with communication would sort themselves out. but they didn't. the car wouldn't crank, and we were bound to repeat the cycle that we had experienced as children. i probably still love ashley. maybe not in true romantic way, but as much as everything she is to me makes me angry i still love her for who she is to wilder. it's one of those contradictory quirks about life that just make you shrug.

I skated a lot this year, and really connected with some amazing friends through that. those guys helped me immensely and i'll never be able to thank them. skating with them in Raleigh in the spring was one of my favorite trips ever. we're also going to Eindhoven this feb for an event with a bunch more people. then back to Raleigh/durham in april. it's something to look forward to when times are so fucking bleak. I've lost about 30 pounds since june. it feels ok, but my clothes look silly on me, and i can't really afford a new wardrobe, and even if i could i'm sentimental to the point of mental illness and can't bare to throw anything away(everything-reminds-me-of-her.elliott-smith/song)

anyway, what a life. i don't know how to proceed, aside from waking up and going forward. i guess that's what most people in recorded history did, but i'm just smart enough to realize how trivial and pointless it is, and how i know for certain all of the hope i had as a young man about success are completely out of reach and just dumb enough to not make any of my dreams a reality(too dumb for nyc, too ugly for LA).

it's bleak, but it's mine. i'll see you in 2024. god knows it's the least i can do.

[heymikewaskom]

i have so much to say. i've been through so much this year. moved out last week. i'm in a tiny apartment with two of the dogs, the kid is here off and on (i get like 46% custody). i've been skating a lot. I've lost 25 pounds since june(in a good way). I'm still fucking sober. i'm going to the netherlands in february for 8 days. i'm woefully broke. i need a much better job, because all my income is only slightly under what my actual bills are. i'd basically been a stay at home dad for 3 years, and needing to take my part time job into ft has been not awesome.

things could be worse, they really could. hoping they get better though. s

[heymikewaskom]

The Venn diagram of gaslighting and Dunning Krueger is a circle in my ex lives in the middle of it.

It's the most frustrating/infuei thing I've ever experienced.

[heymikewaskom]

it has not yet set in for me that in less than a month i will be in a new house, an apartment likely. i'll see my kid half as much as i do now. i'll never see the cats again, or the big dog. i'll have the bed and the dining table, but not the desk. i'll have my tools but nothing to build.

this time next month i'll likely be in a tiny apartment. pizza friday for one, and every other week the sun will rise on my eyes for a long weekend. it has not yet set in for me, that.

[heymikewaskom]

Driving home to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Tonight we're telling our 4 year old that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. I'm sick. I'm disgusted. I'm ashamed. I know it'll pass but right now I'm beside myself.

[perfectquote]

“My heart is a thousand years old. I am not like other people.”

— Charles Bukowski

[heymikewaskom]

2 black walnut trees

1 peach tree

1 very small lemon tree

1 (presumed)dead blueberry bush

1 sycamore tree

2 struggling maple trees

4 tomato vines

1 texas pecan tree(loaded with fruit)

[heymikewaskom]

Covid Again

this is my 2nd confirmed case, but maybe my 3rd. first was last july. what is it about summer sickness? not too bad, like, bad but not awful. fever seems to have broke, i'm still insanely achy and incredibly bored.

[heymikewaskom]

one of the hardest things about this is needing comfort but not being able to turn to you for it

[heymikewaskom]

In my life I hope I lie, and tell everyone you were a good wife

[heymikewaskom]

Feels weird to think that every year I'm going to make my silly little post about "ohh look another year sober" but I mean it's kinda a big deal right? For the longest time I accepted and believed that I would die from drinking or die because of drinking, and here I am, still kicking while others who, in my opinion, should still be here aren't.

People ask me why I got sober and to be honest I don't ~really~ know. I mean I just woke up one morning in a hotel and realized there was a lot of things I wanted to do that I couldn't if I was drunk. That simple. No shaking hands, no relapses, no big temptations. And to be honest, it makes me question the validity of my addiction if I could give it up so easily. But it's still there, deep inside. It's just that the new addiction is stronger than the old one. Life is kind of like a junkyard of old car parts. just keeps swapping parts to keep the motherfucker running-- change this for that, okay, the wipers are broken but the car still runs, so don't worry about it.

Anyways, I'm doing my best and it's important to look back once in a while, but keep that car moving forward, if you drive in the rearview you're bound to crash eventually. Thanks to my loved ones. I'm still here. Another year on the streets. #sobriety