This is Carson Lee Walker

High Ball Society: Because you're a fucking adult now.

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On choice, Whether It Matters Or Not

I originally wanted to be an anthropologist. Growing up in Manchester (the New Hampshire one, not the England one) I even dedicated a large portion of my academic life working towards this goal. It was my choice at the time. That was the thought going through my head as I stood in line for the checkout at my local wine shop, behind a male costumer in black tights who was given a free magazine with a top 100 list of wine for 2011. “Says who?” He stated this in a rhetorical manner to the clerk. “Says Vancouver Magazine,” said the clerk, an individual prone to being a judgmental prick at times (but then who of us isn't at times?). I will admit, it did seem as though the customer was the more committed one in this contest of being a swollen prick.    The man’s attitude was one that I have encountered many times before when dealing with alcohol that costs over 20 dollars. It all comes down to choice and what that says about a person’s taste. At least, that’s what people are really getting at when they dispute absolutes such as top 100 lists in free magazines. Another thought that goes through my head: Could I have made it to where I am now without my first wife? I had met her at a wine tasting that I attended with my roommate who later in life would run a bed and breakfast for six months before being shut down because a 40-year-old woman sold cocaine out of one of the rooms. After living together for a month we moved to East Vancouver, British Columbia where she would continue work on her graduate at SFU. I would go on to fall in love with the wine industry. I would eventually receive a job as a sales rep for a winery large enough to make money. It led to a form of personal and intellectual success for me. It was my choice at the time. Having said that, the list that the man in tights was questioning is actually a quality list of wines to sample, be you a connoisseur or a novice. Acting above a list of selections doesn’t make you a better person, despite how some may act. If anything, it’s an easy way to narrow down what is notable. On the front page, they inform the reader that judging for the wines was conducted via blind taste tests in order to cut bias. With this method, BC wines came out with 28 wines on the list, more than any other region. In fact, two of my favourite wineries – that I do not directly work for – Gray Monk and The Golden Mile’s Road 13, are well represented within the selection. In the light white category, it’s a treat to see Road 13’s Old Vines Chenin Blanc ‘09 and Gray Monk’s Ehrenfelser make the cut. The Ehrenfelser itself serves as quite the experience of light mango and peach fruit bowel lathered in a hedonistic amount of honey. Gray Monk’s own sparkling Odyssey Brut ‘07 made it for the short list of sparkling wines. Even a few of Road 13’s reds where showcased, such as the syrah-heavy blend Rockpile, which is a good strong wine with smooth tannins and a robust array of rich berries and darker stone fruit. Then again, this could all mean shit, it’s only a selection based on a complex series of blind tastes and what tasted the best.   I think a lot about the choices that brought me to work in an industry where I get paid to drink alcohol. I work around people whose own self-worth is measured in how well they can tell the difference between an actual Port and a glass of late-harvest dog shit. This leads to a lot of mulling and vast soliloquies on the topic of “choice.” How to choose the right wine, the smokiest whiskey or the most soul-numbing of vodkas. It’s all just a way of showcasing one’s opinion and taste without trying to be an over the top bastard in the process. The more people agree that you make the best choices, the more you get to act like a jerk about it. At least, this is what I am accused of by my ex-wife. Her constant undercutting of my ego is just her way of dealing with a mixed sack of guilt and confusion. Because I’m not the one who made a series of poor life-choices, and I’m not the miserable one.

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On Aging, For Better Or Worse

Never get married before the age of 25. This is the only tidbit of my worldly wisdom that I will frequently force upon others. Because a woman can never truly trust a man who is under the age of 25. No matter how mature the woman may be, it means squat when the man is still very much a boy. Much like I don’t trust the integrity of males under 25 years of age, my first wife would say that she could never trust a whisky or a wine under the same number of years. Simply put: she had high standards. I would even say too high. No whisky or wine with less than 25 years of aging? That’s a bit extreme. In fact, that’s a few paces past the point of ridiculous. She thought it was the rather sovereign thing to do, when really one must not throw the baby out with the bath water – which in a more literal sense was the real downfall of our marriage, but I digress. Any alcoholic liquid is great with a fair bit of aging, but you can’t simply ignore those that are immature in comparison. You can still have a lot of fun with those. To the general public, and by that I mean people who watched Sideways and didn’t vomit in disgust directly after, the idea of having an older drink has been overblown. Realistically, the only things that need to be aged for anything longer than a decade are a handful of red wines and a large handful of brown liquors. There is a rule for this kind of thing, at least with wine, created by the British Master of Wine, Clive Coates. It states that “a wine will remain at its peak (or optimal) drinking quality for a duration of time that is equal to the time of maturation required to reach its optimal quality.” This means that if you discover a wine that you enjoy that is five years old, you’ll be able to enjoy that wine (of that vintage) until it is five years old. At this point, you may find yourself with a bit of a quandary, considering that this isn’t a principle easily applied without a good amount of first-hand drinking experience.

The two main factors in determining if a wine needs (or can stand) a little aging are the level of tannins, which is an astringent that shrinks the proteins found within the wine, and sugar. I stress that it must be high amounts of sugar, because although some will say a Gewurztraminer tastes sweet, the average bottle won’t last past three years. Wines with high amounts of sugar, such as dessert wines (late harvest and ice wines), can age as long as decades, as the sugar, much like tannins, preserve the wine and allow for further development without spoilage. Aside from dessert wines, Rieslings (which smell like oil to begin with) and carbonated whites (Champagnes, etc.), your average white wine won’t last past three to four years. Any white that is older than 2008 is really not worth your time. Old World reds tend to be the only wines that really benefit from extreme aging. Tannic reds such as Bordeaux, Barolo, Barbaresco, Brunello di Montalcino can take aging past the two decade mark. Most New World reds can benefit from two or three years of aging, but the only things that would require aging are the Cabs – be it Sauvingon or Franc – and the New World equivalent to a Bordeaux-blend, known as a Meritage (which is an American word, so it rhymes with “heritage”). A good Meritage tends to require a solid five to ten years of aging, or else the drinker is cheated out of a truly great drinking experience and is instead given a heavy red liquid that tastes like ink. But dammit, it gets you drunk. So who really cares. The only point where my ex-wife was close to being right is that one could live a life of drinking whiskeys older than 25 years, although you’d probably not have a lot of money to throw elsewhere. One of the greatest influences on the flavour of whisky comes from maturation. Much of the complexity of Scotch whisky comes mainly from its time in oak casks. A crucial point in identifying the age of a whisky – a point most people don’t know – is that the age on the label is the age of the youngest whiskey in the blend. Still, I can’t say my ex was completely correct in her statement. She was misguided (as always) in her thinking. Much like the misconception with red wine, the popular thought is “the longer the maturation period, the more complex the whisky.” This is true to a point: older whiskeys do tend to result in fuller flavours and an overall greater richness to the taste, but it all comes down to the wood of the barrels they’re being kept in and the quality of maintenance of such barrels. If you are unable to find this information out, you can simply ask the cashier at your local liquor emporium. If they are unable to answer any of your questions then you deserve to strike them across the face with a good, firm, open back-hand.

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2005 Domaine Jean-Marc Bouley Pommard

The wife had opened this yesterday and somehow forgot to mention it until I found the bottle. She wanted a glass to help balance out some cheese stuffed mushrooms that she was making. I frankly don't care for the excuse.

It's a firm wine featuring prominent fruit and mineral notes, yet it still seems as though the finish doesn't yield enough of a pay-off, if you catch my drift. Tasting it after it had a day to sit allowed for this fine bodied Burgundy to blossom a bit but I still feel as though I'm being cheated out of something by not giving it another year.

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On Taste, Good or Otherwise

At a recent wine tasting, I met a Russian fellow by the name of Ezekiel who informed me that he could see wider varieties of the colour blue than I could – your powder-blues to off-teals, whatever have you. This was because his native tongue had more words to describe the many tedious variations of the colour, a colour I had previously believed I held an above-average eye for thanks to my history of shopping for blazers. But this man could see more shades of blue because he had an arsenal of words to describe each varietal. This is relevant because those who know nothing about wine (i.e. everyone) will remark that aside from your basic distinctions between whites and reds, “all wine tastes the same.” Well, all wines taste differently. I know this because much like Ezekiel and his varietals of blue, I know about grape varietals and how each differs. To paraphrase: I can taste things you can’t. My name is Carson Lee Walker. I have dedicated the better part of my adult life to drinking, and this is your first step towards getting hammered like an adult. I can taste the differences between wine primarily because I know what each different type is supposed to taste like. It sounds pompous as hell but it’s incredibly easy to learn, which makes it less bourgeoisie in retrospect. Regardless, this column shall be your guide to the various drinks you’ll use to keep your own emotions at bay throughout your quest to adulthood.

The first thing you need to know is how to identify actual varietals, which if you’re confused at this point, just means the different wines. This is simpler when you’re discussing North American over European wines (respectively referred to as New World and Old World, for the pedantic) as North American wineries name their wines after their varietals. European wines, particularly French and Italian ones are named after the region from which the wine was fully produced. Champagnes can only come from the Champagne region and Bordeauxs can only come from Bordeaux. I’ve seen a grown man open-hand slap another for suggesting otherwise.

Here is a quick introduction to some of the more popular grape varietals, in order for you to better understand this beverage that pre-dates Christianity, the internal combustion engine and contemporary notions of modesty. Chardonnay Regarded as one of the more popular wines worldwide, this is one of the easiest grapes to grow. Thanks in part to Californian wineries’ love of overdoing it, Chardonnays are divided into oaked and non-oaked. Oaked chardonnays can often be described as buttery, often with flavours such as vanilla and cloves, with a fuller body than the average white. Unoaked will be more fruit-forward, featuring the mango and pineapple flavours with a little less richness in the body – meaning the wine visually resembles water more than cider. When pairing with food, note that the more oaked ones are better suited for poultry and seafood with intense flavours. For more delicate dishes, go with a lesser oaked or completely unoaked chardonnay, but then again you could just go with another wine. Pinot Gris/Griggio A white that quite honestly goes well with most foods, expect for beef. They tend to be floral on the nose and taste of melons, apples and pears. A pinot griggio is the same thing, it’s just the Italian name for it. The name difference isn’t much of an issue with New World wines however the Old World style does often result in lighter body and greater acidity, which may give a more “refreshing” and crisp taste to the wine. Gewürztraminer and Riesling Two Germanic grapes that are both noted for being off-dry, or in laymen's terms, sweet. Gewürz will often be the lighter of the two and can be described as being brighter (better acidicty), with a lychee aroma. It pairs astonishingly well with turkey, complex Asian cuisines and heavy European cheeses. Riesling tastes like gooseberries and smells like gas when it gets too old. Sauvignon Blanc Even a cheap non-New Zealand sauv-blanc can be acidic, floral, fruity, dry and simply enjoyable. More complex ones will contain herbal notes and green pepper aromas, but the more common examples are noted for their citrus fruits such as grapefruit and lemon. Pinot Blanc It’s white, it’s neutral and people will often mistake it for chardonnay because idiotic winemakers don’t know what to do with it. Merlot One of the more popular reds, merlot tends to yield a medium-full bodied wine that can range in its flavour and aroma, however, most people note plums and berries as being the more dominant notes. The body of the wine makes it a good wine for beef, lamb and other heavier proteins. Cabernet Sauvignon One of the most widely made red wines. Not particularly fruity, the natural complexities and common oak flavour is what makes this wine beloved by people over the age of 30. It’s heavy and tannic (it makes your mouth feel dry) so it’s not an ideal beginner's wine, unless you’re eating it with something or you aren’t afraid of challenging yourself. Pinot Noir It’s a light red wine, noted for being light on tannins. It goes well with poultry, mushrooms and cream-based sauces. I will admit that there are good bottles of Burgundy in the world. I can't say too many good things about the majority of the New World style, which seems to be more of an attempt at putting piss and fruit dye in a bottle and passing it off as tasteful.

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Wine is one of the most civilized things in the world and one of the most natural things of the world that has been brought to the greatest perfection, and it offers a greater range for enjoyment and appreciation than, possibly, any other purely sensory thing.

Ernest Hemingway