As of tomorrow I will have been out of work and non-self sustaining for 13.5 months. As each day passes I give up a little bit more of the connection I have to the system and the belief I have that being a part of it and “productive” within it will result in my life having any kind of meaning at all.
Each day I’ve been out of work I’ve sat here and felt guilty. I’ve felt like a failure and a bad person because I am unable to care for myself financially. I have hung it on myself like a millstone and thrown myself into the ocean of self-doubt and depression and sunk to the bottom.
It’s dark and cold down in the depths of that sea so I try harder to swim upward hoping the chain will break and I will be able to escape. It doesn’t happen. I just stay there.
But I do have a new perspective on life after what I’ve been through. The fact of the matter is I have a choice. I can choose to evaluate myself and my circumstances and focus on the negative aspects of it or I can move into acceptance, offer what I have to change it and let it go.
Truth be told, the latter is the hardest thing for me to do. It’s hard to let it go when you feel like you’re the only one who’s trying to change the situation. There then is another fault in my thinking, believing I am alone in this and believing that I’m the only one who can help it.
I was watching a movie yesterday and an inquiry was made as to whether one of the characters believed in god. As I thought about that question I realized that to exist on this plane one must believe in something. To simply float out here with no belief in anything supporting us seems non-functional.
Something else does make this thing run I can tell you I believe that. I sort of feel like it’s a matter of coming to terms with that and accepting that there is something else out there running things and I’m simply along for the ride as it does so. My evidence is the literal years of effort I have put into forwarding myself and my life using my own abilities and finding no resolution.
At some point I must step back and acknowledge that I am not in charge. Sure I have free choice but that does not mean I decide the entirety of the design of what shapes around me after I make a choice. If I did my entire life would instantly be aligned with what I want.
There is a degree of freedom in this perspective. If I am willing and able to let go of the belief that I am in control of the outcomes then I can put in the efforts required to live my life and make the choices necessary when such is required but between those things in the grey areas I’m just living my life with no expectations and no demands on myself or my life to be anything other than what it is.
I have been receiving help from family during this episode of unemployment. The family member giving the help is not comfortable with the situation. He’s old and has a particular perspective on the world. When it comes to unemployment and dealing with what I’m dealing with he is not accepting.
His perspective is you should do whatever you have to do to survive, even if that means take less pay, shortchange yourself and live in squalor until things improve. This is a perspective shared by most people. It’s the “responsibility” lecture and if you don’t fit the profile you’re a loser, end of story.
Were it just me in the mix I believe he would likely tell me to go live on the street. His view would be that I am “lazy” and unwilling to work and thus deserve to have nothing because you have to work and you have to accept what you get without questions. We all have to live regardless.
That fact says a lot about the realities of how nearly impossible it is to let go in this world. There is this judgement around not taking whatever I can get and even though I have literally thrown everything I have at fixing the situation to include applying for plenty of “lesser” jobs in an effort to meet the definition of “responsible” and self-sustaining it doesn’t matter.
Whatever drives this machine we call life wants me here in this position. I can tell you that because I’ve watched as I’ve had opportunities literally right at the doorstep simply disappear into thin air. The employer expresses an interest, they tell me they’ll call me back with an offer or they tell me to be at a certain place to go through a final interview and then NOTHING happens.
It’s actually very eerie how everything simply goes dead every single time I try. I can tell you if you’re not in it and experiencing it you wouldn’t be able to understand. When the spirit comes for you to destroy your identity and take your life away there is no discussion and there is no “productive” or “responsible” there is only acceptance and if you can’t do that then you will simply sink because there’s no other option.
You simply accept that you’re dead and exist until the spirit that took your life decides to revive you.