Because of Jesus

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

[welostinparadise]

[theauxtin]

[shwagerr]

At a School reunion like 

“I’m a doctor”

“I’m a scientist”

“I’m a nurse”

Me:

[kiraragal200]

[hisloveheals]

Emotionally, I’m so weary. God, you are so good still, so I will praise your name but there feels like a hole in my heart and I don’t want to eat or do much of anything. Clarissa said it gets better over time. Sometimes the wave of sadness washes over me. I want to cut my hair. I need a change. I bleached it over spring break cause I was sad. I miss Ryan, my gay best friend, I can’t sob in a male’s arms because they will get the wrong intention but Ryan is gay, so I can get the love an earthly boy without the messiness and all. I miss you Ryan, so much. Mama, you were right. I was wrong. Mama, my heart always gets broken every time. Mama, why. Why do I always like boys who don’t like me back. God, I know you have someone better out there and I want to believe it in my heart but why am I so sad. Can you tell me the reason why, Lord. I’m such a selfish person. I can only love the people I naturally connect with. I withdraw to myself with everyone else. My heart hurts so much. Why does it matter to me so much. God, I know you are good, but why do feel so sad. I know your plan is better but why do I feel so sad. God, I just want to find joy in you and not idolize anything above you but I always seem to fail at that even. Joanne L. said you never end up with the first person you really like. This isn’t a disney movie, this is reality. And it wouldn’t make sense that everything falls in place all the time. 

[purplebuddhaproject]

[hisloveheals]

There’s an old man sitting behind me at the sixth floor of the PCL and it’s strangely comforting because he reminds me of my friend’s dad. Dawn said the older you get, the less you care about what others think. Please, god let that happen. I haven’t doubted my entire fiber of my being for the longest time until this semester and it’s crushing my spirit/heart.

That one person’s approval I’ve been seeking and I haven’t been receiving has been allowing me sink into self-loathing and I shouldn’t. That one person’s opinion shouldn’t matter so much to me,  but it does, and I hate how much it does. 

And, I’m sitting here, disappointed at myself, because I thought I grew so much from sophomore year of college, crushing, and allowing myself to sink into despair and forgetting that I’m God’s daughter, beautiful and precious in His sight and how easily I allow the ugly clutches of undeserving boys to grab this heart of mine. And, I’m sitting here wondering, why his opinion matters so much, when it’s God’s opinion that should matter the most. And, how it doesn’t matter if all my friends think that me running 5k is great, if he doesn’t, it doesn’t matter at all, and I wonder why I’m like this. Then, I think back to how when I was little, despite all the abuse, I still sought my dad’s approval. I still wanted my dad to give me the thumbs up and think I’m great.

Part of me wants to enjoy the rest of the semester but part of me thinks it would be better it end sooner so I’m far away from that person and so I can finally move on. 

My fear of abandonment is real and I wish I can’t dance around it, but I remember last semester when I became a little too much for Dana, and she told me out of love that it was becoming codependent and I replied to her message and then she just didn’t reply for the longest time and so I thought it was over. I thought she was done with me and never wanted to deal with me and all my issues again when in reality she was just busy and wanted to have  a considerate/thoughtful reply. 

And, that was the lowest of the lowest weeks of that semester when Christine came just in time and I sobbed in her arms. The idea of Dana giving up wrecked me internally when it shouldn’t have. 

We set boundaries and we are finally getting comfortable once again just sharing because I learned to go to God first before dumping everything onto Dana. And Honestly, if I didn’t have set those boundaries, as much as I love Dana, I truly believe she would’ve left. 

Dana telling me that allowed me to grow and I’m def learning to depend on the body of Christ but draw first and foremost from the source of life itself-God.

I remember hurting myself again when running and I promised God I wouldn’t run to self-destruct, if He healed me, and He did, so I’m careful that when I run, my intention is to exercise and be stronger not to harm myself. So I listened to worship songs as I ran 6 miles before I came to the PCL.

I know I should have big goals. Every person has big goals. Some want to be doctors, some want to be teachers, some want to do insert so and so, but honestly, what I really really want as stupid and lame as this sounds is to get married one day. That’s one of my lame goals but it seems the most impossible (truly, sincerely, it does). And I think that’s one of the things, I might never be able to get, because I’m so messed up and broken on the inside and I know God can make things beautiful and God sees me as beautiful that’s great but I don’t think any sane boy who loves Jesus will ever want to be with a girl that’s so ugly and broken on the inside. And has such terrible awful mood swings. My mom even joked around on my physical form to put “mental illness” because of how crazy I can get. I don’t think anyone but my family has seen how bad I can get. :( 

And so yeah, I know, Jesus loves me, and God loves me and that’s great but sometimes it feels like it’s not enough.

And, I’m going to share my testimony on my Friday and now everyone can see how ugly and broken I am on the inside even more. 

[hisloveheals]

[proneto--wander]

I dare you to spend more time praising God than you spend hating yourself.

Jordan Lee, SoulScripts  (via proneto–wander)

[kamirudeboy]

“The guy I like doesn’t like me back. The guy whom I don’t like doesn’t like me, either." 

[this-abounding-grace-deactivate]

God has been reminding me lately not to be in such a hurry to get through the seasons. To everything there is a season; but we are so quick to get to the beauty and joy that we skip over the season of brokenness. Yet, there is beauty rising amidst the brokenness as God gives beauty for ashes and He is making your heart new. While weeping may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning.

Friend – know that God meets us where we are, not where we pretend to be. This is a season, and a new one will come eventually. So be brave and hold on. Hold on to hope, trusting that He who promised is faithful and He will keep you.

[hisloveheals]

[delta-breezes]

Minna So | @minna_so

[young-republican-raised-right]

[hisloveheals]

young, wild, and free. 

[aestheticales]

[holytemple]

[y-hweh]

I love this - just resist the evil one, simply resist and he will flee. He is nothing. No one. You do not have to conquer him, Jesus already did that. You simply need to resist. 

[areasonablydressedwoman]