brb, taking a nap

Thought, Feelings, Emotions? Got em all right here for all to see

[hivemindwithlucile]

fingers strained with the ink

of the pen you got me for my birthday.

Head spinning on the train

listening to our favourite band

on loop.

Who am I,

without everything we shared ?

What am I,

if I'm not taking care of you ?

[hivemindwithlucile]

I am tired

of sleeping alone;

of waking up to sheets

tussled only by myself;

of having only my arms for warmth;

and throwing dirty looks

at lovestruck strangers on the subway.

But I am also afraid:

Afraid of needing anything from anyone

ever again.

While I may sleep alone,

I do not cry about you into my pillow

anymore.

[hivemindwithlucile]

Said I'd be sober this evening

but they played your favourite song:

so I needed a shot

of tequila.

I'd like to dance with someone else

without picturing your face.

I'd like to wrap someone round my finger

the way I was wrapped around you at night.

I'd like to be missed, for once;

instead of being the one that does the missing.

I'd appreciate to not

want to turn my arms to ribbons

every time I see your face;

and not jump when someone on the street

bears a passing resemblance to you.

I'd like to not feel nauseous

when I catch a waft of your

laundry detergent on the street.

I'd like to not feel afraid

that I could feel like that again.

But it's too late, and I can't tell you-

because I had to hit block

for myself,

for once.

[hivemindwithlucile]

I watch TV, alone at night

Etta Fitzgerald's 'Stormy Weather'

comes on - her silvery smooth,

slightly cutting voice

rocking me gently.

Suddenly I picture you,

joint in hand,

closing your eyes delicately:

'I love this song',

you would say.

So now all I can do

is close my eyes and think

'I love this song'.

[hivemindwithlucile]

Infinite Sundays

spent with you in bed.

"T'es incroyable"

murmured into my ear

between hot breaths.

Steam on my bedroom window, like

my hands sliding down your sweating back.

Eyes on each other

in a crowded room-

you were my saving grace;

the only one I saw, and what's more

the only one I wanted.

I'd lost my religion

until your body was in my sheets

and your mouth on my neck.

Stolen kisses in a heaving club

your hands on my waist,

leaving burns where they touched;

electricity as your lips touched mine

and our hips were brought together.

I would die for one more smile from you

to see the crinkles form around your eyes;

to smell the crook of your neck

and feel your hand on my knee,

under the table.

A lovesick fever kept us up at night,

the gentle waking to your limpid eyes.

Your low voice saying my name is bittersweet torture,

but I'd hear it every day for the rest of my life.

Your kind face and gentle touch brought me back to life-

brilliant technicolour to see your vibrant beard in the sun.

I would have traded a thousand years

to cheat time and circumstance

and have another week with you.

I wish you the best,

and may our paths cross once more in the future.

[hivemindwithlucile]

Pictures of my baby sister and I

at the pool,

with our round tummies poking out-

before she stopped wearing shorts.

I read somewhere

that girls start hating their bodies

at the age of six.

My little cousin,

body-checking in the hall mirror,

like her older sister showed her-

she was only ten.

My mother saying

"only high-waisted trousers for us, dear."

My grandmother

eats only soup for dinner,

and tells me I look like I exercise.

My best friend

poking, prodding, pinching.

Crying in the changing rooms at fourteen,

because none of the dresses fit me right.

Shame, guilt, agony;

that wrong feeling of a dress fitting tighter.

When does it stop ?

When will we eat without embarrassment ?

I hope to end the cycle:

to teach my daughters to love their bodies

the way I had to teach myself to love mine.

To tell them a lover won't mind

their tummy sticking out whether they're on top,

or lying in bed afterwards.

That clothes should fit you,

not the other way round;

and that they should throw out clothes that don't fit;

and that there's no use saving those outfits

"for when I'm skinny."

I want to fight for all of us-

to put my foot down and say

"this is how I look. It's not what makes me beautiful."

we are kind, intelligent, loving-

not just here for men to fuck us with their eyes,

or to hate ourselves in the mirror.

[hivemindwithlucile]

Sleeping with you again

post-end-of-my-world

was like revisiting a summer memory

from when I was a child:

Realising it's faded;

not as good as before.

I don't regret doing it,

Because it means I won't wonder,

ever,

what we could have been

or what we were.

You drained me;

I put what should've been mine

into you

so that when

you finally left

I was empty and cold.

How dare you

Return for more

after I said I was done -

how dare you be selfish,

when you never let me.

get

fucked.

Goodbye.

[hivemindwithlucile]

Okay so one thing that terrifies me about dating is the impermanence. I KNOW I won't marry this person; I'm only 19, I'm going to change a lot, I'm going to move away, etc. So this new person will just become another name? Another picture in my mind, another experience to gossip about with new friends? Another birthday or anniversary I notice every year but have not celebrated in a long time? Another reason my friends go, 'wasn't that the one who...'? Another being out there who will know increasingly outdated secrets? Another shadow I will avoid in the supermarket? Someone else I will think of on long trainrides and rainy days? Another person I will think of when I listen to certain songs?

It's just. A lot to handle for me and right now I don't even know if I can. The way I see it, you either marry the person you date, or you break up with them. I have no plans to get married. Do I start a relationship I've doomed from the start? Do I wait for them to get tired of my crap and leave?

Love is work, but I'm not sure it's work I want to do. I'd rather you not be another heart I've broken.

[hivemindwithlucile]

Psych guys I was so full of shit two years later I got into a relationship and love is work and I did want to do it and HE left and decided not to do the work and now I'm left with all this baggage but guess what ? I'd do it again. To love someone that much and to be loved as much in return

[hivemindwithlucile]

Today is your birthday:

but I won't wish it.

We won't celebrate.

I won't come home to your arms,

with a present waiting for you,

and we won't go to dinner.

I wanted to make you dinner.

A special birthday treat:

the secret ingredient ? Love.

I understand why this has to hurt -

because love isn't really worth taking a sip of,

it's better if you drown.

But now it's just me down there,

gasping for air, alone

Since you chose to go back to the surface.

Today is your birthday:

part of me -

No, all - hopes

you'll celebrate it alone, like any normal day.

I hope you think of

that dinner I would've cooked,

and the present I would have given.

Because it's not fair if it's just me.

It's not fair that you'd get to move on.

So Happy Birthday, maybe.

[hivemindwithlucile]

There is a fantasy, in my head

where you come to get me at the airport

on Monday.

You smile,

say sorry,

kiss my feet.

And then we pretend it's

September

and pick up where we left off.

I know it won't go like that though

and there will be no one at the airport.

I dream you'll ask me when my flight gets in,

on Sunday.

But you won't,

and something tells me you

wouldn't have

Even if we were still together

unless I'd asked.

After six months on my knees,

I get to crawl away

And hope you come crawling back.

And that I will have sat up enough

if you do.

[hivemindwithlucile]

I love you,

Like a beat in my veins,

a lone drummer no one warned they could take a break;

I love you,

My limbs going numb

as soon as I see you;

I love you,

The box on my desk filled with our crap

and your t-shirt I wear to sleep;

I love you,

Turning over and reaching for you in my sleep

and weird dreams you star in;

No one taught me how to stop

So here I am,

a wreck

walking about with my bleeding heart

clutched in my fists;

Screaming for someone to take it away.

[hivemindwithlucile]

Your living room is still a mess

and I miss sitting in it.

You could call me now and say

"let's go again"

and my answer would be yes.

I miss lying next to you

and applying moisturizer to your face;

washing your hair,

and kissing your neck when I hug you.

You still wear the damn hoodie I gave you,

I saw it in that post someone put up -

I hope you reach over for me in your sleep,

and that those pillowcases I bought you still smell

like my perfume.

[hivemindwithlucile]

I watched a series:

this couple showering together,

the best rendition of intimacy

I've ever seen.

It made me cry,

It made me want to text you

Sober, at 7 on a weekday.

To say,

"I miss you"

"come shower with me"

"I want you to be nice to me again."

This morning,

I listened to a voice note you sent - six

months ago, when it was so good: saying you loved me.

It reminded me of when I was nine

and saw my mother crying over the telephone -

her father had passed recently,

and she'd dialled his number to hear the recording

on the answering machine.

I miss your voice,

the way you'd look at me - like your pupils

wanted to swallow me whole,

and all I've wanted to do is dive into them.

I can't carry all this love around

a great big bleeding heart

and walk past you in the street now

without saying hello,

like you haven't seen all my gross bits

my best bits my worst times my sleepy mornings

and I haven't seen yours.

I want them back !

to gather in my fists

like the dried rose petals from the flowers you gave me

on valentine's day.

[hivemindwithlucile]

I love you.

That's a fact.

And I have all this love left

that I don't know what to do with.

All I did

for so long

was Want you.

So what now ?

Do I continue to drag this around ?

a weight I can't get rid of,

something that is yours

that you simply won't come get ?

I know who I am, without you.

It's who I was before,

Although

a little different.

But I don't know

what to do

without you.

You were my nights, my days;

my sunrises, my moonlight eves, my sunsets.

I am left alone - wondering where you are:

Lost.

I love you,

but I don't know what to do with it -

Now it's a currency you won't accept.

[hivemindwithlucile]

White Ferrari

Before we met, I listened to White Ferrari,

by Frank Ocean.

My best friend showed it to me -

it was our cry song.

In the shower or at the end of a bad day;

during and after heartbreak.

And then I met you,

and I didn't need to listen to White Ferrari anymore,

because even when I cried,

you were there to make me feel better.

I was fulfilled, happy, thriving.

Since then, I have listened to it,

wishing,

waiting,

for the time when I don't feel the urge

to hit play.

It never came.

So, I listen to White Ferrari

by Frank Ocean.

[hivemindwithlucile]

I put your toothbrush in a box today

alongside your t-shirt

and the handwritten note that said you hoped

that we'd work out.

My sheet came off the corner of the mattress,

but you're not tousling them anymore.

In the box is our relationship,

reduced to a few objects, as I stand

Over it's Grave.

Habits I will have to kick,

Rituals I will repeat with someone else,

As will you.

I wanted you, more than I had room for in my body -

and I didn't ask for much in return.

I can't figure out where you went, after three months -

but I just want that man back.

[hivemindwithlucile]

Grief

so much more physical than I realised:

I ache all over;

my brain is mush and I am nauseous -

scatter-brained, silly,

and I never sleep easy.

I am tired and slow,

my heartbeat erratic and unsteady.

People bring me flowers,

furnishing the funeral of what we were,

and what we could have been.

What will my love for you become -

wet, warped, deformed, damaged:

protected by your handsome form no longer ?

Adrift, I seek shelter,

but all is temporary -

a hug here, a meal there

nothing left in me to sustain the coming winter.

You did not do me right, I know -

but I always assumed that was better

than being left without you.

I rely on others to hold me up,

pathetically carried by the arms under my armpits.

My head spins, all I want is your arms !

But I know there would be no relief,

no warmth;

as you decided you were leaving long before you let me know.

Now I am here, alone,

with these questions with no answers:

When will you move on ? Have you already ?

Do you wish to call me ?

Do you reread our messages ?

Does crossing my path make you want to cry ?

Do you miss me ?

I have acquired another ex, another body to forget -

but you cling to my memory, to my eyelashes, to my clothes

tormenting me through your very absence.

I did not expect, when this began

that I would have to move on, forward, away.

I am homeless, exposed to the elements.

I know what to do, without you -

I just don't want to do it.

Long evenings stretch, empty, forlorn.

Everyone has something else to do,

when all I wanted to dedicate my time to was you.

I love you, for now -

but I am alone in this graveyard,

for it seems you chose to leave me behind.