" do you just want to watch me sleep?"
"i do find that enjoyable." sunchun trailing his fingers down the rest of her arm, slowly- "there are other things i'd like to do with you instead, but, as aforementioned, i am patient."
her throat goes dry at his touch, like her body is hyper aware - of what, though, jei's not sure. she turns over to face him, still laying down, looking up into his eyes - " what do you want to do?"
he's still staring as she turns around again, the sadness shoved back behind cold stone walls. what does reflect in his eyes instead is deeply rooted love - and a flicker of /something else/, something a little dark and intense- "don't you already know, jei?"
she bites her lip, staring into his eyes - she can sense lot of things from them, though what they mean could be many things. jei has long since learned not to assume things when it comes to han sunchun, so she just reaches for his hand, threads her fingers through his cold ones and mumbles, " maybe i do. but i want you to say it aloud. i want you to make it real."
the connection between them tugs on strings, pulling up desires that he's held and withheld for decades. how could a single being have such a hold on him? it's one of the mysteries that he has tried to figure out, to at least make some sense of, but to no avail. despite years of searching, it's a piece of knowledge that he still doesn't obtain. all he knows is that he loves her, always has and always will, until the day his body crumbles into dust. "i want to spend the rest of my days with you, even if it is simply watching you sleep-" and then suddenly he's rolled over on top of her, pinning her with his weight, her hands pulled up over her head, trapped by the very fingers she threaded hers with. something flashes in his eyes again, the darkness seemingly intensified as he whispers low into her ear- "but i also want to kiss you, to taste you, to ravage you in ways i've only been able to dream about. i want to satisfy you in ways you've yet to be able to imagine-"
there's some kind of longing in his eyes that she feels at the very depths of her core - something that's drawn her to him for a long time, and even before that. it's hard to explain how it feels like she's known him for what seems like a thousand years when she's only been alive for twenty four but it's like her very soul knows him, and calls out to him. gently, her thumb rubs over his, listening to him speak - and jei thinks she /should/ have understood the darkness in his gaze, but she didn't. not until he pins her and speaks to her with honey dripping from his tongue, wrapping her in a cocoon of warmth even though his body is almost frozen cold. it makes her heart beat faster, and instinctively, she struggles against his hold - even though there's no energy to it, no drive. it's almost like jei wants to be pinned down, like a longing she's had since before she was born. " why does it only have to be a dream?" she whispers in a small voice, strangled by his honey and dark. " why must we only use imagination?"
he pulls back to stare down at her, his gaze locking onto hers, trying to read her. he knows she could have struggled out of his grasp if she really wanted to; she is by no means an unskilled hunter. but, she doesn't try very hard, barely trying at all - and it could be said that sunchun is doing the same. his grip is firm, but there are many opportunities for the roles to be reversed - and he would have let her. but, she doesn't. her arms resist in the same manner a small fish would once caught, wriggling but giving up soon after, acknowledging their fate. is that what she's doing? does she ... know? no, there's no way she would. she does not remember; sunchun knows that much.
her questions don't deflect him, or his desires. instead, they step forward like a lamb before a wolf, brave, offering. this close, her scent is dizzying, the pumping of warm, sweet blood under paper-thin skin calling to him, beckoning to him. these lusts, however, he can control; he is no fresh fledgling, suddenly drunk to his new senses and a slave to his instincts. sunchun is far better than that - no, instead it is his other sins that wish to be satisfied, the act in which he wants to caress every part of her body and let the beast which howls within finally have its sexual hungers satiated. and it's tempting - /so/ tempting - and he could take her right now, as he could have on countless occasions before, but, he doesn't. and he won't.
he can't let himself do so.
"because reality would deal gruesome consequences if i did." and, as quickly as he'd pinned her down, he rolls off of her, setting her free. rationality resumes control instead of emotions and he sits at the edge of the bed, his back to her, wrestling back down the monsters that had come so close to breaking free and wrecking havoc. he loves her too much, too deeply, to allow such a thing to happen while she's still human, still fragile. if the beasts are released, he doesn't trust himself to show restraint - there would be none.
if he were to ask her about the things she would feeling, it would be something like … deja vu. like she'd been in this position before, a very long time ago when she knew it wasn't the case. perhaps that's why confusion mars jei's features, because she doesn't understand why she doesn't fight back more on instinct because she was a /hunter/ and that's all she knew herself to be - but perhaps she really just did want this moment shared. it's easy to simply assume that, rather than to understand the unsettled feeling at the very center of her core.
but in the same moment of her confusion, jei can see sunchun wavering.
the dark in his eyes that she now knows for certain is desire wars in him with something else - probably his rationality, probably everything that keeps him distant and cold and a wall that she can't climb over. and it hurts, how when she thinks she finally manages to get to a window to make her way inside his castle, he knocks her from the ledge until she's broken at the bottom. he loves her, she knows this, but he always does this. he always spreads them miles apart.
it's exhausting. it's heartbreaking. jei wonders if he knows this when she looks at his back, the warm cocoon of his honeyed words broken by the force of him /letting her go/. like he always does. like it seems he always will. her lip trembles, but she refuses to cry. at least, not without getting a few words in.
[ she wants to believe she's stronger. she can get back up every time he knocks her down. ]
it always seems like his logic wins out in the end. so why not choose the answer looking at him square in the face? it's something that jei still doesn't understand even though she /waits/, and /waits/. he leaves her like this, hanging from his castle waiting for him to let her in from the bitter cold. she wants to share his life with him, his full life.
she wants to be able to give him the things that he desires.
trembling arms wrap around his shoulders and link together by her hands, forehead resting on his neck - it cools her hot skin even as it brings hot tears to her eyes, and she curses how they fall. " then stop waiting. i want to feel /everything/ with you but you always - " /do this/. … she trails off, but she's sure that he understands.
he may be patient because he's lived far longer years, but jei doesn't know how much longer he wants her to wait.