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[honest-prayers]

1998

I was five years old when I became aware of what sexual attraction was. When I look back on pictures or home videos from my past, this was definitely the age where I feel innocence was lost and along with that came some of the joy that came from being a child. 

When I was younger, I felt I was plagued with dreams of male family members being a little too close with me. In those images, I remember in my dreams and as I woke I would feel a great uneasiness as I thought back on this dream where two my of second cousins were the antagonists. Do I know if my dreams were a suppression of events from my past? No. Were they enough to make me question if my cousins had done something to me when I was a kid? Yeah. It have never been something that I have spoken about to anyone, but something changed when I was six and maybe some of it is linked to these dreams, but a lot of it is linked to my own moments of exploration at that time. 

Judith was one of the only cousins that came around to visit my family during winter and summer vacations. She had come around to California almost every year with my abuelita Mari, our grandma’s sister. My sister and I were super close to her; unfortunately, we were not your stereotypical Mexican-American family with 100 cousins that we were able to grow up with. We had each other and really nobody else. My sister and her were around the same age,  tenyears old, and I was the younger sister who always wanted to be around them because I didn’t want to be alone. 

Something happened in me when I would spend time with Judith, though. I took notice when she had started developing into a woman. I had taken notice that she was becoming beautiful at the age of ten, when she already started to go through puberty. At six years old, her attractiveness became something that I wanted for myself; when I looked in the mirror I saw nothing but a chubby flatchested girl with long raven hair and straight bangs that covered my forehead and my eyes. There was nothing special about the girl in the mirror with the missing teeth, the chubby cheeks, the big tummy, and with the same face of my little brother and father. I remember there were times that Judith reassured me that I was beautiful, and those words developing into burning embers of love that did not compare to the love that I had for my sister. Something inside of me was curious of knowing her in a different way, and I pursued that curiosity whenever my sister nor my family was around.

[honest-prayers]

2015

As the new year approaches, I have been forced to reflect on life. I have been forced to open up my eyes and realize that I’ve surrendered a lot of my life, a lot of my identity, and a lot of the goals that I had set for myself in the moment that I realized that Christ desired more of my life and that I wanted to respond to that call.

I was born almost 24 years ago on April 10th, 1992. Born to a father, who struggled with drug addiction for a large part of his life; born to a mother who had lost herself in her relationships with men, looking to find solace in the embrace of a man who could not love her the way that she needed to be loved. The one thing my mother and father had in common: they were looking for the love of a father who had not been present in their childhood, in their adolescence, and in moments where they ran to other things to fill a void in their hearts that only Christ was able to satisfy.

My parents didn’t find Christ until they were in their 20s. They were forced to find them in moments where they realized that they could not run away from Him anymore; when they realized that their souls were lost in finding a fix either through a cocaine tablet or through another intimate night without the use of protection. I am a product of two sinners redeemed by God’s grace. My story, although unlike theirs, was also tied to a life of pain in my childhood, unhappiness derived from insecurity and confusion, to a life that could have been lost or could have ended many years ago if I would have given in to the lies of an enemy who is aware that when the Lord serves as the source of my energy and motivation, I will be able to move mountains against Him.

This is my story. These are the confessions of a Christian girl, who has forgotten her first love. These are the confessions of a Christian girl, who has never been perfect and who has become tired of being quiet about where I have failed God. Stay tuned to read about parts of my story that have been kept in hiding for too long.