Honest Personal Ads

Because they were gonna find out eventually.

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Dumb, Sweaty Nobody

In this episode I just ramble a little bit about starting this podcast, and my YouTube channel, and what my thoughts and feelings about both things were at the time I recorded this. For posterity. And also just for fun. But anyway, I hope someone somewhere gets something out of it!

Check out this episode!

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(Un)Desirable female seeking very desirable male

I'm a 21 year old female but most of the time I act (and feel) like I'm 12. I'm usually the person at the party who provides the entertainment by saying various shocking/funny things.  I do not do this because I'm a comedian. I do this because I literally cannot function around people I don't know, so I say amusing things to lighten up the atmosphere and I say shocking things because I have no concept of social boundaries. I have, on more than one occasion, silenced a room by being too honest about myself or someone else. I am not ashamed.

I quote movies a lot because I like to see who can recognize the quote. I literally do this at least once a day. My favorite movie is Magnolia.

I’m not very particular about who I’m friends with because I firmly believe that variety is the spice of life.  I’m not judgmental, which is probably why lots of people tell me their life problems. I’m also very curious, which is probably why I listen.

My hair is never done and I put very little thought into my clothing. I like to be comfortable so I usually look kind of frumpy. If this disgusts you, I don't care. It's not my job to decorate your visual space. If you think that it is, I will take this time to remind you that only douchebags think that. PSA: being a douchebag is a bad thing.

I don’t really want to date anyone, but if I did I’d be looking for someone who is down to earth, since I can get stressed out over nothing. Don’t cling to me because I hate that, but I’m a romantic at heart so if you buy me random presents and give me attention when I need it then we’ll get along great. I am, at times, a walking contradiction, but I'm pretty easy-going, so that sort of makes up for it.

Preferably you are someone who works out on a regular basis. I realize this comes off as shallow but the truth is that if you are the type of person who doesn’t take care of yourself I’d probably worry about you 24/7, since worrying is something I specialize in.  

You must love music and animals. These are my two top priorities in life so if you don’t like them then we won’t have much to talk about after a while.

Don’t be that one guy who makes fun of fat people or calls someone “gay” or “retarded” when they do something stupid. If you are that guy, I can’t date you. It’s not because I’m high and mighty; it’s because you’re an idiotic asshole, and that is arguably the worst kind of asshole.  

So if you think you could be this person, then you can contact me. I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people.

See what I did there?

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Asexual Mormon Socialist Seeks Man Who's Close to My Age and Okay With All Those Things

Okay, so I'm probably not a full-on socialist, but growing up in Utah as a pretty far-left liberal has led me to just identify with things I get called a lot. Basically, I think everything for the public benefit should be publicly owned.

I just turned twenty. I'm in my second year of college studying English and Russian. I live on my own in a room where you can rarely see the floor and I've only done laundry once this semester. I'm pretty good at keeping up with the bare minimum of stuff that I need to get done--homework turned in on time, getting to work, etc. But anything I can put off probably will be put off. One day soon I'm going to get my taxes done. I swear.

I love going to the movies but I have Misophonia, so I will always whine about all the people crunching popcorn. And probably glare at you if you ever eat noisily around me (if you chew with your mouth open, that might cause relationship issues). Also, I will immediately tear apart any movie we go to see, so if you're not into literary analysis, I'm probably not the right girl for you.

But I will take any goofy suggestion you make seriously and evaluate it on its own merit. I'm an exceptionally good improv comedy partner for this reason. I'm mildly obsessed with a large number of things, so I can probably hold a decent conversation on whatever it is you're into.

Also, I come from a family of nine and now I'm on my own and I'm now at the age when my Mom got married and I don't date anyone and I frequently get crushingly lonely.

So if you like watching TV/movies and analyzing them or discussing weird topics or if you want to read a fantasy novel about a cheese inspector (I write weird things), contact me!

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Woman Seeking (Wo?)Man Who Likes Giant Stuffed Ducks

Hi, I'm Cassie. I turn 21 next month, so I guess I get to continue getting drunk with my grandpa and going downstairs to watch Parks & Rec in his basement. I'm a psychology major, but my main life goal is to make it through to tomorrow. I... like music. I listen to Classical 89 in the car, but I feel like I'm wasting time when I listen to music without doing anything else, which wouldn't be a problem if I exercised, but I don't.

I also have a pathological relationships with the Sims, 2 not 3, because anyone who prefers the Sims 3 is not to be trusted. Sometimes I hate myself for living vicariously through simulated characters, and by sometimes, I mean all the time, because that's not the only reason I hate myself. I'm pretty bad at talking to people, actually, because I usually berate myself in my head for at least 30 seconds after every utterance that escapes my mouth.

But all in all, I like myself better than 90% of the people I meet. Actually, I write most people off within a week of meeting them. I think this is partly because they're stupid, and partly because I'm an awful person. I have an untreated anxiety disorder, so my hands and armpits are sweaty literally 100% of the time I'm not asleep. I'm not horrible looking, but I put zero effort into my appearance, except that every once in a while I get weirdly obsessive about perfecting my eyebrows. I think this is partly compulsive, and partly because I find other women's eyebrows really attractive when they're dark and perfect. I'm weirdly attracted to Katy Perry's eyebrows.

I'm probably straight, though. I mean, if you're a woman I guess you could respond, too, because, hey, if you're interested, that's basically a miracle. I generally don't believe that I'll love again any time soon, but sometimes I wish I had someone other than a giant stuffed duck to snuggle with. But, on the other hand, my giant stuffed duck is pretty bomb. My friends say that I'm like a beaver: my best qualities are that I'm cute, and industrious. And by "friends," I mean classmates, because the friends I have just think I'm weird and unintentionally funny.

So yeah, if you feel like snuggling with me and a stuffed duck (and my baby blanket, which I still sleep with), or if you like watching Netflix in people's grandpa's basements, I'm the gal for you. You also have to be okay with the fact that I have a sizable collection of pig paraphernalia (mostly gifts) and refuse to get rid of about five garbage bags full of stuffed animals from my childhood. Optional requirements include reading the dictionary for fun, drooling from the physical labor of hiking, or writing shitty poetry about balloons. Hopefully your romantic past is less checkered and shameful than mine, but the bar there's preeeetty looow.

Oh, and even my mom says my only talent is belching. Best Wishes!

[honestpersonalads-blog]

So the concept seems pretty self explanatory, I just noticed nothing like this existed so I made it myself. Let's cut the bullshit, and write some personal ads that tell people who we really are! They would've found out sooner or later, so who are you kidding?