“Now That’s What I Call Cluster B!” © @honeyhpd - Tumblr Blog

currently approaching levels of emo and ‘no one understands me’ that haven’t been seen since high school.

#sometimes it’s fun to look back and the nostalgia softens the corners til I miss that time #and now in close proximity eoth the feeling I remember how bone deep terrible it is #like haha I used to be so emo #but actually reflecting it’s like #haha I used to feel so categorically misunderstood and uncared about by the people around me I was harming myself and constantly wishing to #die #tw implied sui ideation #I think it’s easy to forget how bad it was when it got better #I haven’t felt that alone in like 10 years #but now it’s sinking back in #and none of the people who helped me before are here anymore #I have to do it alone #and I don’t want to do it alone #unlike before no one else cares if I get better I have to care #if I want a life worth having I have to build it #I think that can be true that it’s up to me #and also true that people need a support system #I used to be the most important thing to someone #and now I’m not the most important thing to anyone #my post #my text post #emo #loser #nostalgia #if I could save time in a bottle

i love finding my 13th, 14th, and 15th reason on a Monday morning before 8am.

#someone save me someone take me away from this awful place #tw implied sui ideation #my post #my text post #13th reason #when it all hit the fan this morning I just started crying bc why is every Monday like this #like somebody sedate me #I hate it here

Mormons scare me (I say as an ex-Mormon don’t come for me). My dad won’t stop not so casually talking about marriage now that he has a new girlfriend (it hasn’t been 9 months since my mom died) and he’s saying stuff like “It’s nice there’s not pressure because I already have my partner for eternity, this is only for life”.

Like huh? It’s only the rest of my life no big deal. I know he does feel that genuinely because he fully believes in the Mormon afterlife But like my mom was a “sinner” in the context of the church so idk what my dad thinks is happening. He also reminds me that while he misses her, the only way we’ll see her again is if we remember to be ‘worthy’ enough to be with her in heaven.

Sir. I am a lesbian. By yours and your churches standards I will never be worthy. It’s been weighing on me that he said that even though I don’t share his belief, I still have that creeping fear from years of indoctrination that he’s right and I’ll end up in darkness. Earlier this week I remembered David Archuletta’s song ‘Hell Together’, and actually had to stop because remembering he wrote that because his mom said if you don’t belong, I don’t belong, we’ll go to hell together. It shook me because I really think my mom would rather dissolve into darkness with me than be there without her kids. It’s the reason she quit going to church even if she never removed her name because she said she still believed in that religion, but felt there must be more because god made her to love her children this fiercely.

My dad also said he doesn’t think she’d want him to be unhappy, and wouldn’t be upset with him for Candace. I THINK SHE’D ROLL IN HER URN HEARING THAT. SHE WOULDN’T WANT YOU UNHAPPY FOREVER BUT YOU BET YOUR ASS SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED YOU TO MOURN HER LONGER.

This became a huge rant instead of a small musing post because I feel very isolated, none of my family understands me, and none of my friends understand my family.

if they didn’t want me to put q-tips in my ear they shouldn’t have made it a hole that likes to be penetrated so much.

#q-tip #ears #like fr better than actual sex #or at least it’s consistent lol #sex mention in tags #sex ment tw #my post #my text post #some thoughts should stay in confinement but I don’t care

Anyone know how to differentiate attraction from envy?

#lil nas x was really right about that

i probably shouldn’t have skipped therapy last week but hey capitalism wins out over my mental state even when everything falls apart around me

#what a win #my post #therapy #my text post #but yeah whatever get that bread

it’s starting to feel less like i’m having a bad time and more just like i have a bad life. i hate it because i’m actually very optimistic at heart, i keep repeating if it isn’t okay it’s because it isn’t over yet.

no matter how bad a life i still think it’s one worth living, but it just weighs on me differently. the path that i thought was the door out of this house is just gone and instead I’m just left with years of regret at not making different choices now that it’s too late.

#my post #hpd #life post #i just held out for years thinking that was the way #instead i just kept myself in prison essentially #just always hiding myself and thinking I didn’t deserve better #that this must be punishment for something I deserve #I always thought I’d heal after I left and be able to visit home with a stronger heart #not that I’d have to learn how to start now or perish basically #and never be able to go back home once I leave #the future is so much scarier without the idea I could at least go and visit home #but this is a house where lights are on but no one’s home #it’s empty and even when it’s not why is there always someone deeply unwelcome there #it’s no place of safety #but it’s home #all these thoughts have been triggered by severe anxiety about anesthesia #and now that I lived my thoughts are all morbid #so much has happened in just one week #and I don’t even feel a right to complain to my friends anymore #bc I don’t want to listen to it anymore either #never fucking ending #there was always a door I imagined that would save me #and that’s just not how it works #like if I just made it one more year I’d finally be free and happy #but instead it’s just me passing the time and the door never appears #I’m trying to change but I’m scared I’ll really be like this forever #vent #morbid

Would anyone else like to wake me up? Last night I couldn’t sleep and was woken up at 5 am. Tonight I woke up bc of my back, then because I had to get up for water and to turn on the fan. Then my sister so I move. Then my brother and his gf. And now finally my own stomach hurting so bad I feel like I’m being stabbed. I wish I could just sleep.

#my post

thank god i know the screaming in my head will go away at some point. i want to wail and scream and i can hear it scraping around my head trying to get out. but i know from experience it won’t last forever i just need to breathe. can take weeks or longer but at least there’s that.

#my post #brain itchies #you kind of forget about it after a while #one way or another whether it’s gone or present you stop noticing until it’s back #i remember at some point in the last year i noticed my brain wasn’t quiet #but it wasn’t screaming all the time anymore #but hey #can’t rain all the time

Anxiety exercise. I am embarrassed about last night. But last night happened and I can’t change it. One day all of us will die. But I didn’t die last night. Which ultimately makes last night a win. Breathe.

#anxiety #hpd #bpd #embarrasment #death mention

willgrahamscock

KILL AI AND REBLOG AND CREATE ART IN 2026

‘have you ever considered…’ ‘have you ever thought about it this way….’

Sir. I have the Thinking About It All the Time disease.

#mentally ill #overthinking #mentally eel #thinking about it rn #anytime this sentence comes up I’m like #you fool #you absolute buffoon #I’ve thought about it in ways you can’t even imagine

are there stages for forgiveness the way there are stages of grief?

#I hate it here #I can’t escape the person who hurt me but I find our relationship morphing when I’m not looking #even with low contact it’s still changing #acceptance is the last stage of grief #what kind of acceptance am I waiting for at the end of forgiveness?#my post #forgiveness #musings

sometimes i’m so introspective i literally feel like i’m doing my therapists job for her

#hpd #bpd #mentally ill #therapy #actuallyborderline #actuallyhistrionic #text #my post #i really be therapizing myself in my head and doing a better job

isuggestkillingyourself

#cw sui mention

i really wish i had a headstone to visit my mom. she took the frugal route and opted for cremation with no headstone. there are trees being planted in her honor and events being held in her name but i don’t feel close to any of it. even if there was a plaque or something that way i had a space i could go ‘see’ her.

#my post #grief #grief posting #cw parent death #cW mom death #cw death #i know the headstone only means what i want it to #I’m not religious #but it stresses me out to attach her to the bag of ashes #and also stresses me out that people say she’s ‘everywhere’

last night I dreamt of a borzoi and ballooning up so big I could no longer fit in my shower. anyway what do you think it means?

#dreams #they are too vivid #I woke up like…. ok rude #my post #mine

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