I know you..
Sorry but..don’t I know you? Yes..yes it is you, I know you. I’ve seen you before!
Trudging along in the bitter cold of winter or bouncing along in the mid-July heat. Exhaling relief when five o clock chimes and your precious day has come to an end. I’ve watched you reinvent yourself a thousand times, only to relapse into old habits, old mindsets and descend into delicious self-loathing. You’re me and I, you. I’ve watched you sob and scream and shake with fury but have felt no inclination to help you.
I’ve watched you beg and plead for things to be different, somehow to change the course of the universe to cast favour on you.
I know you. You have porcelain faces. Faces you have carefully constructed over years to cater to who is before you. Kind regards to those you need things from; the mundane details to fill empty space with those who once you knew, but who have since become strangers; and even the brash, confident, crude face, that only those in your innermost circle are allowed to see.
that isn’t you though is it? No. I KNOW you. I know about the niggling little anxieties and insecurities. The odd, clandestine habits behind closed doors that you’d die one hundred deaths to remain secret. The internet history that is deleted. The questions you have but daren’t ask.
I see it all. It’s pathetically fascinating and to me you are a lurid train wreck, twisted metal and scratched paint. You are a sunflower leaping toward the sky who wilts at night time. You are waves that constantly ebb and crash and know no solidarity.
Did you think you could hide forever? There are more of us that know, than don’t. You are the private browser, the secret eater, the mistake-maker who swears to god they won’t do it again. Your father’s shame and a liability to your comrades.
You are the smeared mascara and champagne-eyed. The never good enough for those who need you to be or the oh so perfect, when inside you are burning. You are wretched and kind, evil and sublime.
This is no threat. I will not tell your secrets. I will not hold you to ransom…at least, not yet.
You fascinate me. You unfurl like smoke before me, translucent and confused. You are everything you hoped you’d never be and everything you dreamed you would. Yes dear, WE know you and we are biding our time.
For now, you will bumble along most of life not remembering most of your life. Waiting, working, dreaming, eating, hoping. Hope is a dangerous ally- he lies. You invite him to whisper sickly sweet when Reality is unfalteringly honest. You drench yourself in Hope, allowing him to choke and suffocate. Hope is Tomorrow. But I would never lie to you as you have tried to lie to me.
No. No, fear not. I know you. I understand you. Look around you. I am here, haven’t you noticed?
Yes. I know you don’t I? I’ve seen you before. Yes..yes I know you and soon you shall know me.
by Zara White
