Fake Relationship Advice

Just a group of aces / aros ready to give you shitty advice on your relationship. You're welcome. Send us your *fake* issues so we can continue not helping people one ask at a time! (I cannot stress this enough, but do not send us your real problems. We are going to respond with joke answers every time.)

[how-not-to-romance]

Fins yourself with a huge crush on a friend? Just don't say anything!

Pine over them for years until you inevitably get drunk in each others precence and the rest will sort itself out from there!

[reddarchivesdeadaccount-deactiv]

it was funnier on my head

[izmeuseless-deactivated20190201]

y e s

it’s very romantic

[xbox420-deactivated20141118]

the best way to a girls heart is punching through the ribcage 

[xbox420-deactivated20141118]

apparently this is illegal but dont let it stop you

[how-not-to-romance]

If your S/O won't fight a god for you then become a god and smite them from existance

[how-not-to-romance]

Trying to find a good moment to ask that cutie for their phone number?

Just don't!

Save yourself all the anxiety and just forget about phones. Find out their address so you can send a carrier pidgeon.

[how-not-to-romance]

Make sure you're never too clingy!!! I cannot stress this enough, always stay at least 4 feet away from a significant other and 10 feet away from your crushes. Want to kiss them? Kissing is just what happens when your lips are clingy. Don't do it. Hugging? BIG no no. Only once you have been legally married may you hold hands.

[how-not-to-romance]

There is nothing more romantic than binge watching your favorite shows with your S.O.

Shows like: Pals on a Couch, People in Space that Look the Same, That One With Alien Conspiracy Theories, Doctors Doing Doctor Things, and saved recordings of Catholic mass services.

[how-not-to-romance]

Chivalry isn't dead!

Tear a door from it's hinges so cute girls don't have to open the door themselves. Hold the door throughout the day. Carry it with you. Take it on a date. Pay the bill. Marry the door.

[how-not-to-romance]

Romance is, um

Romance is...

Hmm

Romance is painting what your S/O would look like as a domestic structure.

[how-not-to-romance]

Happy Valentine's Day!

Want to make this day special for your S/O?

Fight a god! Once you decapitate them and take their place in the heavens, you and your S/O will become the ultimate masters of the universe.

The only thing better than that is gifting them with a whole bag of Hershey kisses.

[how-not-to-romance]

Love letters are not in the past!

Write your crush a letter purely using unflattering pictures of them to showcase a love of their face even in its ugliest moments.

Bonus points if it's legible.

[how-not-to-romance]

Want to prove your love and loyalty to your s/o?

FIGHT EVERYTHING

The old lady around the corner, your boss, the stray cat, the fridge, time itself, and if you're absolutely serious about your relationship then fight a god.

[how-not-to-romance]

Long distance relationship? Tired of not being able to see your s/o every day? Fight a plane. Once you assert dominance you'll gain it's ability to fast travel and rejoin your s/o for some needed face-to-face time.

Plus it's a good way to impress them.

[bunlly]

cute date idea:

ask someone to go on a double date with you, then show up with your date and ask them “where’s yours?”

[prettycryptid]

i can be romantic ok

[how-not-to-romance]

Your crush won't text you back? Dropkick your phone into the next dimension to cope(:

[cinegasmic]

Cosmo Sex Tip #952: Losing your man’s attention? Stage your own murder and pin him as the culprit. Come back weeks later with a bloody nightgown, a sexy bob haircut, and a scapegoat for your man, and he won’t be able to resist you!