Mike Driver
NASA
Andulka
almost home
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
ojovivo
tannertan36
AnasAbdin
$LAYYYTER
No title available
titsay
will byers stan first human second
RMH
YOU ARE THE REASON
Xuebing Du
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
shark vs the universe
d e v o n
sheepfilms
Stranger Things
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Kenya
seen from United States
seen from Brazil
seen from Switzerland
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Poland
seen from Pakistan
seen from Albania
seen from Netherlands
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from United States
@howitlooks
Genuinely no one in the world who loves me just because. Without needing me to do something or be something. No one at all. Is there purpose in a loveless existence? That there’s nothing of you redeeming enough to inspire love.
My heart aches. My bones ache. There’s no positive side to this anymore. And I’m stuck here. Listening to you breathing. Wondering whether you’ll follow through on your threats. Whether you’ll leave, whether you’ll take your own life, whether I should call for help right now, at 3 am, whilst you sleep or wait till morning. A few more hours. But how will you be in the morning?
Can I be so tired from lying here crying next to you that I know I can’t even handle what tomorrow will bring? I fear the weight of everything will sink me before the sun rises again. Would it be so bad to sink and not rise?
You say I make you weary, that you feel you have no control, that I am a burden. And I lie here with our son kicking inside me and our daughter asleep in the next room and wonder when the last time was that I had the luxury of choice.
The luxury of just stepping away from all of my responsibilities. To walk away. To stop and think only of me.
And yet I love you. I fold easier than a hand of cards.
And all I can think about are the calls I need to make tomorrow, to your parents because this is too big for me alone. And to think of the calls I can’t make. To my parents, because marrying you was despite everything and they’ll not know how to be kind when they’re proved right. That when they said you’d leave they had the foresight I didn’t have. That I’ve said so little about how you are some days that they wouldn’t understand, that they’d say I’d done something wrong in asking so much of you. That it was wrong of me to expect you to turn up for me and do your share. That me the font of all knowledge really knows nothing at all after all. That me who picks everyone up cannot even feel the shadow of steady ground.
How do women pick themselves up and carry on? My aching bones are made of lead and my muscles have disintegrated.
If in the morning you pretend that none of this happened, I know that I’ll let you. It wouldn’t be the first time. But my heart is a little more broken for the effort and tonight it doesn’t feel like there’s much left except dust.
This is a manipulation tactic that men use to make it such a pain in the ass to set a boundary with them that you don’t attempt it again
Say “good idea” and keep it pushing
No but really. When anyone does this to me my response is always “well, if you can’t talk to me without talking about X, then yeah, that’s really the only solution.”
When they get defensive about “our friendship/relationship/etc really means so little to you???” Come back with “Ive always thought our relationship was built on more than whether or not I find X funny, but if it isn’t, then we’re not really compatible.”
It sets the boundary while getting across exactly how ridiculous they’re being.
looking back on old photos of yourself is an act of mourning, always. how many times have you looked at pictures of yourself from even just a few months ago and thought “who is that? did i look like that? she’s beautiful” but fail to reconcile it with how you felt. that girl is me and that girl is beautiful but i have never been her, y’know? and the cycle is endless. i am always longing to be myself from two years ago, or six months ago, or last night. SHE was beautiful in ways i don’t know how to be now. i’m grieving for the death of my past selves, constantly, and grieving for the time they wasted mourning THEIR predecessors when they could’ve been feeling beautiful. in between disparaging remarks about the weight she holds around her midsection, my mother shows me photos from when she was younger and handles them gently; “i was kind of a looker back then, wasn’t i?” i wonder what i’ll be saying about this body in thirty years. i wonder if it’ll be kind
Exhaustion
It’s incredible how tired you can get before you realise it for what it is.
My exhaustion is like a blanket full of holes
Fragile
My soft centre exposed to the extremes
Like I’d burst into tears if I have to take another step
And yet there are at least 10 between me and the door.
Can a grown woman fall to the floor in tears
Could someone pick me up please and put me to bed
Today was too much
I had a great time at the party but it was too much
I need a nap
Kiss me on the forehead and tuck me in
Cover the holes in my threadbare blanket with your warmth
Tell me tomorrow will be ok.
Grief,
This year. This year.
One more thing.
Yet this year. Today.
I will mourn. I’ll sit and think and
Breathe you.
But the day bleeds red and dark before I have the chance
Again.
But today it’s a tidal wave
Guilt. This moment.
Have you burrowed so far into my nothingness
That today feels normal.
That it takes foul temper and
Endless fury to realise
It’s you and not nothing. Not hollowed out soul.
Not just hormones.
That eats at me today.
What you might have been.
Your sister playing while a well meaning friend remarks 3 years is a good age gap.
But there’ll be no bridge this time.
It will never be 3 years.
Bittersweet. This year.
And the blood on my hands
Was you. And is you again.
Not this time. Not yet. Wasn’t meant to be.
And this rage is grief
Burning me to ash too
You might have been
Here.
My favorite thing about Queer Eye is the Fab 5 knowing when something is not theirs to do. Like Jonathan knowing he's not the best person to fade natural hair so he calls someone who can. Antoni listening to and following the American-Mexican women and their recipe instead of saying no, I can teach this person how to cook traditional Mexican food even though I'm polish-Canadian.
Karamo taking women to meet other women because, while men celebrating femininity is wonderful, men leading the conversation on it at the expense of women’s voices is very much not
Sometimes I wish
I was better at documenting the things that happen. My memory isn’t as good as it should be, I think the even keel is balanced on forgetting. On suppressing. Repressing.
But sometimes I think maybe it would be helpful. Awe inspiring...to lay it all out. Each moment of utter chaos, each battle won or at least survived so I could say look what I’ve done this year. Look how utterly sh*t it’s been. Look how I’m still standing.
To ask: are you proud of me? To say I’m proud of myself. To tell myself that if I can do all this then surely the next is not that insurmountable.
But instead, I forget. And though I know I’ll get through each new thing feels like it’ll be that final hair. That I’m teetering on the brink, that the next thing will be the one that breaks me because the last thing surely should have?
Does everyone feel this fragile?
I wish I could look at the things that happened and know why I was strong enough. That I was, that I am. That I will be again.
taking note of how quickly men calm down after you bend to their will is life-changing because you realize they were never really out of control, they were never really as angry and affected as they appeared. they just knew how to act out aggresssively enough to make you believe it was your fault that they lost their senses.
in 2019 we start recognizing men’s manipulation tactics and start living for ourselves!
They were never really out of control.
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
YUP
2019 was meant to be better
Because 2018 was so bad. And yet the universe can definitely kick you when you’re down.
I’m currently having a miscarriage. As I type this the walls of my uterus, meant to protect my unborn ball of potential, are shedding. Three weeks of uncertainty and spotting. This week were told there was a heartbeat. At last. But that it wasn’t strong.
A cruel joke to give something the very pulse of life, only to make is thready and dull. Soon to fade out. To know you are there dying inside me. In the womb you were meant to grow in. Your life condensed into 9 short weeks.
I hope it’s painless like these next few hours and days and weeks and years won’t be for me. I hope somehow, even now, your little heart is beating.
I wish I had asked for a picture. So I could show your sister something one day and say this was you.
This was you fighting.
Fighting to stay, fighting to leave.
You are my little ball of life, and you could have been anyone. I wish we could have kept you.
Update
*trigger warning for suicide*
It’s not cancer y’all they’ve ruled it out as far as they can without invasive surgery but they think the risk is minimal.
Woo.
It took me a minute to process. The same week I had my appointment a childhood friend took their own life. Which threw me for a complete loop and I spent the following weeks in an existential funk. Wtf world. I’m not over it. I think this year as a whole is going to take a few years to process.
Still wanted to let you guys know incase anyone had been following the other posts.
When people die
They take a piece of you with them. Literally wrench a hole in your heart that you maybe didn’t even realise was their home. And you find parts of yourself that they helped to form and have to poke at them to wonder if those bits of you are forever dulled now that there is only one of you left to remember.
That something you once shared is now just yours.
Stupid stupid inconsequential little things. Like the time he taught you how to play chess and you were sure he was changing the rules so he could win. Having mini pizzas for the first time ever and him declaring ‘we are carnivores in this house’ when asked what kind we wanted.
You are too young, too sweet, and too loved to be gone. I wish I had spoken to you these last few years as an adult. I’ll carry that regret with me forever, that I could have known you sooner still and had more memories.
The wait seems endless and
...inconsequential. Is it weird for life to go on? To get caught up in little things. To work late. To bake. Whilst really, the house is a mess because I have zero energy. Work is easier than dealing with my husband who is in the midst of a depressive episode triggered at least in part by my health. Doing things is easier than admitting something is wrong or getting up and getting the real jobs done. There’s a pink elephant dancing silently around my house and her name is cancer.
Yesterday my next appointment came through - and it’s not until the end of next month. I suppose I should be reassured by the lack of urgency but then I called to rearrange the time a little and the lady on the phone implied she’d have to check with the dr if she was going to make it any later. Ended up making it the day before instead. One less day of waiting. I also have been told to take someone with me. Is that normal? I never saw my first letter as the appointment was arranged over the phone.
It’s so likely to be nothing at all and yet I’m so so tired.
First appt
Feeling somewhere between reassured and fobbed off - does this have a name?
Had a full battery of blood tests this morning, X-ray and weigh in. I’ve lost some weight (yay?!) could be incidental. Dr seems generally unconcerned - said no need to do a biopsy yet as nodes are small enough still to be unconcerning. One is marginal - they want to see if there’s a change. But without the biopsy the rest in conjecture...do I push?
Said they’d call me back in a couple weeks. Until then we wait and watch!
Feel like I’m staring into the abyss
I don’t know anything yet, good or bad. But I feel like I’m standing at the precipice looking down into the abyss. My knees feel weak and my stomach feels as bottomless as the darkness I am looking into.
I am terrified and I know that it might be absolutely fine. Most likely nothing. But I’m scared and I can’t really tell anyone I’m scared at the moment so I’m telling all of you.
Pre-knowing
My side blog of doom and anxiety seems an appropriate place to post some health related anxiety.
So:
I initially noticed I was poorly all the time in Jan-18, but life was crazy. Finally rocked up at the doctors in Feb-18 like I’m so tired wtf is this? (Also random fevers, coughs colds etc).
Blood tests were had, all of them. And then I was told low vit d and to take a high dose for 10 weeks but come back and retest if nothing improves in 5-6 weeks.
Feb - Mar 18 I have the worlds longest sore throat bug but so does husband etc. Notice lymph nodes still swollen from last cold thing but do not pay too much attention as not painful and I could hide it outside.
5-6 weeks not much improved but life was super busy so I put off going until I finished the course. By end of course I was a little less tired and also getting fewer colds - in fact feel not sick just tired for few weeks.
More bloods ordered (April) as I was still somewhat tired notice nodes still there, painless but not bigger or smaller. Forgot to mention nodes - do mention random kidney pains and doc orders ultrasound. I finally have blood tests in May doc says all fine now. Remember to mention lymph nodes, doc orders ultrasound. Still tired but also could be down to only getting 4-6 sleep a night because life = toddler and full time work.
Mid June kidney ultrasound comes through, doc calls me in for end of June as they’ve found benign cyst. Incidental finding nothing to worry about, prob not linked to pain.
Appt has come through for neck ultrasound start of July. Go to ultrasound, tech is asking lots of questions related to lymphoma symptoms eg do I have night sweats, have I lost weight etc, tells me after that nodes don’t meet diagnostic size criteria doctor will prob say to keep an eye on them and doc will have results by start of next week.
Next morning doc’s receptionist calls to say I need some blood tests doing and gives me next free slot. All tests sound like fairly routine ones but receptionist sounds annoyed/flustered. Forgot to ask if I could speak to dof myself.
How was your Thursday?
P.s all of this testing and appointments were essentially free on the NHS 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
Made a new tumblr specifically so I could moan about my life and be sad and whiny without feeling judged by people I don't even know enough for it to really matter. Fml.
