Human Hate Machine

these are a few of my most hated things

[humanhate]

329.

“I’m such a sarcastic bitch/asshole.”

I know you’re desperate to pivot being a thoughtless asshole into some sort of pioneering personality trait in the Wild West of social media, but everyone reading your vicious trash doesn’t have the benefit of whatever the fuck is going on inside your head to give it the necessary context to avoid being ostracised by everyone you know for life. 

[humanhate]

328.

People who have elaborate stupid rules for completely inconsequential things.

I don't care about your unnecessary ritual for how to take a chocolate out of the box.

I'm a grown up.

Just leave me alone.

[humanhate]

327.

All those "heartwarming" stories taking up space on proper news shows just before Christmas about Santa arriving or explaining the system he operates under or whatever the hell.

Kids don't give a shit about that. No one does.

[humanhate]

326.

People who shut off the engine completely at a red light.

I can't even imagine being that uptight about something so small. Like chill, man. It's coming on in a minute. Just calm down.

[humanhate]

325.

People who have special “systems” for packing their luggage. 

Just shove too many clothes into the thing wherever you can find space like the rest of us, you lunatics. 

[humanhate]

324.

Any artist who ruins the live version of their own song. 

I’m looking at you Bob Dylan, but you are not alone.

[humanhate]

323.

People who drop some horrific stupid bomb and then refuse to discuss it. 

“Gays are all degenerate perverts but I don’t want to talk about that. Let’s talk about something else.”

If you don’t want to talk about something, maybe don’t bring it up? 

[humanhate]

322.

“Some people” this, “some people” that. 

Name names, you fucking coward! 

[humanhate]

321.

The kind of person who starts with “It’s gotta be” when you’ve asked them to make a simple choice. 

Just tell me! 

[humanhate]

320.

People who don’t respond to the alarms they have in their lives.

STOP THAT FUCKING NOISE

[humanhate]

319.

People who use an abbreviation and then immediately explain it, thereby completely and aggressively missing the point of abbreviations.  If you think people aren’t going to understand your abbreviation, just use the long-form! 

[humanhate]

318.

“You just don’t like Brussels Sprouts / aubergine / parsnips because they haven’t been prepared properly.”

No, I don’t like Brussels Sprouts / aubergine / parsnips because they’re awful. They taste like licking a mouse and they should all be banned immediately. 

I don’t like some food. Get over it. Shut up. Go away.

[humanhate]

317.

Science fiction long-range communications.

Relativity being what it is, any sort of instant long-range communication is incoherent. But even if you could work something out, the idea of any sort of triangulation based on common understandings of how much “time” has elapsed between each contact would make everything completely impossible. 

That’s not the annoying part of long-range communications on science fiction shows. That’s just what makes it impossible. The annoying part is when someone appears on a view screen and turns to face the person they’re talking to. That’s not how any of this works! Just face the camera! It doesn’t matter where I’m standing, you’ll be looking right at me. 

Has no one in the 24th century ever been on a Zoom call?

[humanhate]

316.

Blocked subtitles.

The whole point of subtitles is that I need to read them. Why would you put white subtitles on a movie where the main guy is wearing a white shirt most of the time? 

[humanhate]

315.

People who just refuse to say “Who’s there?” when you say “Knock, knock.” I don’t know what’s wrong with you people but it’s probably incurable so report to your nearest termination centre ASAP.

[humanhate]

314.

Hey, Irish people!  Strength. TH-TH-TH-TH

Width. TH-TH-TH-TH

Height. T-T-T-T 

Throat. T-T-T-T

[humanhate]

313.

Anything people say which is designed to sound clever, but actually functions to stop any attempt to get at the truth.

“It is what it is.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“What can we do about it?”