Getting Clean

Towards an integrated life of freedom and fullness

[funeralfrost]

You’ll remember me and the words I spoke And wonder how you ever could have strayed so far.

[with-regret]

New Scream | Turnover

(my edit)

[humanintegrationproject]

I’ve waited so long for someone who does. not. want. me. back.

Some nights, I get tired of waiting.

I take action.

Some sort of unsolicited communication with him.

How unfair to him?

How selfish of me?

He’s made himself clear

How dare I continue to go back

And dredge up the past

[thunder]

via weheartit

[humanintegrationproject]

My heart is heavy tonight

I had a high school reunion party planned for months and one person showed up. We still managed to have a good time, but I am so deeply sad. We went out and ran into girls from my graduating class. One of them mentioned my ex that I’m still enamored with. A lot of really hard things to accept tonight. I want him back in my life for so many reasons. But, I HAVE TO accept that he does not want me back in his.  

[adrenaline]

Unknow Source

[ohanalizada]

[goodreadss]

You didn’t come into this world. You came out of it, like a wave from the ocean. You are not a stranger here.

Alan Watts (via goodreadss)

[amargedom]

[floristic]

[minuty]

[humanintegrationproject]

Lesson for tonight:

No one wants their personal space invaded

Especially, no one wants their personal space invaded by someone who wants to impose their point of view on you

Impose yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually on me

So I must submit

No

Reminds me of my interactions with my ex

I show up uninvited

In inboxes across social media

Bleeding in apologies that beg him to see why I did what I did

So that he’ll change his mind

Maybe he doesn’t want to change his mind

Who am I to force him to change?

A stalker, at the very least strange

Harassment comes in many forms

An authoritarian father manipulating his daughter

An ex girlfriend who won’t let the pain she caused him die

She’s begging

Begging for more

Begging for more of what he can give

Sucking him dry

When he’s said no, goodbye

Show up uninvited

On fantasies of what could have been

But those things did not happen

Instead you fucked his best friend

Own up to you shit

He’s not yours, you’re not his

Lessons

Learned

Tonight

[humanintegrationproject]

Reasons that I smoke:

-it’s something that’s all mine, no one can take it away from me, I’d like to watch them fucking try

-escape

-breaks

-regroup

-cope and deal

-stress reliever

[humanintegrationproject]

My reasons for quitting nicotine:

-money, I’ll have more money freed up in my budget for more important things, I’ll be more financially stable

-I’ll be less addicted, more free

-I’ll have less to hide from my family

-It’ll be easier to get an apartment and get along with various roommates

-I can be healthier

-I won’t have as many health issues down the line

-I can be an example to others

[poetrylovingfan]

reminder

[humanintegrationproject]

He wants me to have a certain life

A life that I do not have

A life i am incapable of producing

Because I do. not. want it

[humanintegrationproject]

Exploring Some Shit Rn

So I became an addict, addicted to escape, desperate to escape my house, my father. I felt trapped. I WAS trapped. I turned to things and people that promised escape. I dreamt up fantasies in my head then tried to live them out. I dread conversations with this man. I go about my life and he fades from my mind. Then something comes up and I have to confess to my “wrongs.” He finds out things that I’ve done “wrong.” A financial decision, an accident in my car, the fact that I’m addicted to nicotine. Things seem okay until that anxiety comes crashing in. That anxiety that “he knows, therefore I have to stop. I have to change. I’m not ready to change. But he gives me no alternative.” I have to remember that this is his parenting style. HIS parenting style. I do not own his actions or his words. I am a person struggling to get by, to grow, to get better. He is not the be-all end-all. Just like I tell my friends about their latest love interests. He is NOT the be-all end-all. But he is my father. I do love him. I do hate him. It’s complicated. I’m working on it. I’m breathing through it. I could be doing more, but I relieve myself of the idea that I constantly need to be doing more. I spent a year doing the most and coming up short in every instance. I am here. I am me. I am enough.