Advice on Open Relationships
As Told By A Bisexual Polyamorous Human Being
Note: This advice was originally written for someone endeavoring to open their relationship physically (the exact words were “[we] are not poly but we are interested in non monogamy.”) This advice comes from my nearly one year of living polyamorously. I’m not an expert. Take it with a grain of salt.
Communicate. For rizzles.
There is never such thing as too much communication. Seriously. If you’re doing things right, you will discover that you will talk about your feelings more than you bang.
Talk about logistics. If you want to bring someone home and your partner isn’t interested, who is sleeping where? When and how do you notify your partner that you’re going off with someone else?
Talk about boundaries. What makes you uncomfortable and why? Understand that boundaries aren’t rules. Frame boundaries around yourself and your feelings. In other words, don’t say “Don’t do x.” Say, “X makes me uncomfortable because Y.” Understand that boundaries can be accidentally broken. Talk about how you want to handle cases when boundaries are broken. Which boundaries are hard (“I am uncomfortable with X”) and which boundaries are soft (“I might be uncomfortable with X, so please ask me first”).
Here are some examples of boundaries:
Not changing the sheets after sex with another partner makes me uncomfortable because a) I like hygiene and b) I’m possessive of my bed (both reasons are totes legit!)
Last minute booty calls with other partners in our home makes me uncomfortable because I do not have time to prepare myself (emotionally and logistically... like where I’m sleeping). I need 12 hours notice when possible.
Texting other partners during our dates makes me uncomfortable because it makes me feel like you don’t value our date. If you need to text someone, I would feel more comfortable if you said something like, “I need to text this person back, is that cool?” before proceeding.
Understand that boundaries change. If your boundaries change, and they will, communicate that as soon as possible. Understand that something that makes you uncomfortable might only do so temporarily, but if you choose not to talk about it, it might be a problem. Talking about a boundary might also alleviate stress around that issue.
Jealousy happens. It’s ridiculous to think that neither of you will get jealous at some point. 1) It is OK to feel jealousy. This is normal. 2) It is NOT OK to ignore or not communicate feelings of jealousy.
Don’t make your jealousy about the other person (“You and your kinky adventures are making me jealous!”), and don’t think about it as a lack of something (“Why don’t we take crazy kinky photos together?!”). Instead, frame it as feelings you are experiencing and that it needs to be talked about (“I’m feeling jealous of the crazy kinky photos you’re taking with Rick. Can we talk about it?”). A lot of the time, I would even say most of the time, jealousy is rooted in insecurity about yourself (“I don’t feel sexy enough for kinky photos”) or about your relationship (“I feel like you would rather take photos with Rick because you care about him more.”). Insecurity and jealousy can be ameliorated with explanation (“Rick really likes taking kinky photos and I enjoy it. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to do that with you.”) and affirmation (“You’re sexy af and I love you.”). Work together to help each other through feelings of jealousy.
People process differently. Understand that someone might not understand why they’re feeling a certain way right away. Talk about how each of you process emotions. Opening up your relationship “just physically” does not mean you won’t have A LOT of stuff to process.
Talk about sexual health together. Discuss when to use protection (*cough* always *cough* unless it’s someone you trust and are fluid-bound to, then talk to them about who they are or are not fluid bound too as well *cough* basically understand who in your network of partners is fluid-bound so you have a better idea of risk *cough*).
Talk about sexual health with new partners. Seriously. BEFORE you do the do, take a moment to say, “Hey B-T-dubs, I want to be open and honest with all my partners. I was tested two months ago and all tests were negative*. How about you?” This is SUPER IMPORTANT in open communities. If someone doesn’t want to talk about their sexual health, that’s a red flag.
(*don’t say “I’m clean;” it can shame other people who have an STI. People with STIs are not “dirty.”)
Get STI tested regularly. For Realz.
Check in with your partner before, during, and after group sex. Discreetly, if necessary.
DON’T UNICORN HUNT. Unicorn (noun): a person who is bisexual and open to sleeping with both partners in a relationship. Unicorn hunting (verb): treating said unicorn as an object, an addition to your sexual fantasies, and not as a human being. Communicate with your unicorns. Check in with them. Treat them like people because they ARE people. Understand that they have feelings and agency, too.
Opening your relationship is, in a way, opening yourself. You will discover things about yourself that you never imagined. There’s a metaphor about poly and open relationships putting people under a microscope, and it’s true. Your good sides AND your bad sides will be magnified. Be prepared to learn a heckuva lot more about yourself and your partner. Be prepared to deal with issues come out of this. This is normal.
Understand that there is a very, very large risk of one or both of you developing Feelings for someone you’re banging. Don’t pretend it won’t ever happen. You love each other, but you can and very well might fall in love with someone else. Or your partner will. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? If that’s not something you can deal with, MAYBE DON’T OPEN UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Once you open your relationship and feelings happen, it’s hard to go back. Seriously. Talk about it.
You cannot anticipate everything you are going to encounter. Good luck.
prguitarman
dededos
blakekathryn
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
