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This happened some time ago. I have a 'friend' with whom I'm completely disappointed. I told her about how I used to be bullied in high school, called names, mocked, pushed aside, insulted, given the cold shoulder and so much more I don't want to go into and she just told me: 'Did you do something to deserve to be bullied?'. I froze. I thought I knew her well, but I was wrong. Since when the first reaction after hearing about someone being bullied is to ask what the victim did to deserve it? Does anyone deserve to be bullied? Does anyone deserve constant psychological torture for any grievance people think they did? I was completely disappointed, it was as if instead of sitting with a friend, I was with a complete stranger.

#bullying

I haven't told too many people I got a job, what if they kick me out? Better not to tell to many people because it would be embarassing, Maybe if I manage to work here for a month and it doesn't seem like they wanna kick me out, I will tell more friends >.< Argh, and I'm also flat hunting and it's a complete nightmare T_T. I need to win the lottery T_T

I'm nervous and worried about tomorrow. I hope I do a good job and that taking calls is not too hard but I'm really nervous and I don't know what to do. I hope everything goes smoothly or at least I hope if I make mistakes, they are not big mistakes. I just have to do my thing and try to work hard and not bring trouble. It's my first day so I hope they will forgive any mistake I make >.< Please help me God >.< I don't know which shift I prefer tbh. Both have its drawbacks tbh. One is too early, the other one is too late.

I feel like I should write here again. I feel sad and anxious and useless and depressed. I have C tomorrow and I don't know, I don't feel confident.

Lemme die. I feel so depressed and sad and shitty and I hate everything and I don't have energy and I cannot make myself feel happy or do anything. I could go watch videos that would lift my mood but I don't feel like doing it. i just want to wallow and pity myself rn. I want to die. I want to be depressed and hide and why is life so hard and things so shitty fuck fuck fuck. I hate life. I hate being an adult. I hate having to be a responsible adult who has to get a job and earn money. I feel like I'm stunted. unable to grow up. to be a reliable person. shit.

RL issues

It's not a life or death decision but to me it looks like that. Part of me wanted to accept because it was easy and it's something for sure but another part of me wants to refuse it. I felt like I had a ball of lead in my throat and I felt like if I refused I would regret it but i also felt that if I accepted I would regret it too. I asked a lot of people's opinion, some told me to accept, that 3 months is not a long time to wait for the raise in pay but others told me to refuse because right now the pay is horrible and the hours hell. And if I think about it, it being real estate, the comissions aren't something stable. tbh honest this is not the road I want to take. My career ambitions lie in another direction but I feel like if I refuse this I will regret it because this is a sure thing. In a way, this could be a better path than what I was going to do for the time being but I'm still unsure. I feel like something is expected of me, that i expect something from me and if I take this road I will disappoint everyone and myself but if I refuse this I will still regret it because I don't have many good alternatives. A friend told me that 3 months can go by fast but that she also thought I can aspire to more. I have had some other things that maybe need a little more time or may not happen at all but part of me wants to wait for those. If I were to accept the reat estate position, I cannot leave until the 3 months are up and that's what worries me the most. What makes me hesitate to accept it. This friend told me to just throw a coin and let it decide for me and it decided that I should refuse and I felt a bit better but I'm still confused. I've almost asked everyone I wanted to ask and they've told I have to decide for me and not let other people influence my decision. It's true, in the end, it's my life. But I need people to tell me what they think is the best for me. In the end I always do what my heart tells me but I still want people to tell me their opinion.

Money. Money si always the issue. In a way it's sure money but on the other side it's too little money. Do I need money? Yes of course. So, should I take this job because this way I will have money? Not so sure. Why not so sure? Because maybe I want more money. If this was just an issue of me not being sure of this job, without money issues. Maybe I would try it. But if you add money issues... I don't think i want to. But. at the same time, did I have better ideas than to make a career in real estate? Is it that bad? I don't know. Is this better or would be working as a waitress better? In a way, I need a not thinking job for a while. I want to have a period of time of just having a job without having to think of my life. I want not to think at all. I think too much soemtimes and when I'm like this I cannot function at all. I spend all my time thinking about nothing.

Or maybe I want to refuse because I fear this? This is just a thought that appeared in my mind. Could I be refusing because I'm scared of the unkown? Do I really wanna work on real estate? To be a grown up, we have to do things we dislike. I know. But... If this is being a grown up... I don't want to grow up. I want to find something that I love, I want to work in something that will make me happy but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't fight the situation anymore and just go with the flow and accept anything. I want to wait. But waiting worries me. I want life to be easy and happy. But life isn't easy or happy. I want and want and want but I also know that most of my wants are just dreams. I have to face reality but what can I say.... I'm still a child. I don't want to face reality, I want to be a child and still be full of hopes and wishes and refuse what is not what I want. I guess, if this offer had been in another kind of job more to my liking I would accept it more easily.

#what I didn't end posting in my blog

Looking through the window I see a rainbow. Beautiful, full of color, full of happiness. It's breath-taking. Nothing is moving outside, nothing looks sinister, no sound, no movement, picture perfect. I cannot take my eyes away. My breath catches, 'so beautiful' that's the only thought in my head. I cannot move away from all that beauty, how I wish I could look at that beautiful image forever... It's so peaceful and beautiful.... but why do I feel this knot in my throat? Why do I feel so apathetic? Why do I want to cry even if tears won't come to my eyes? Oh, that beauty! That beauty that touches my heart and makes my heart yearn... Oh, that beauty that is imaginary, just a figment of my imagination, a dream that will fade... Why only the dirtiness and the ugliness remains? That darkness I feel behind me, at the end of the oppressive corridor where no light works, where all happiness is destroyed.

#beauty #ugliness

I cry but I feel empty. I cry but the sorrow has already left me. I cry but those tears are just water. I cry and scream and punch and howl but nobody listens. Those shouts go unheard, not even my mind can hear them. Unseen, unheard, untouched. How can they exist if not even I can feel them? But they exist, unseen, heard, untouched.

#cry #sorrow #unheard #unseen #untouched

All she had to do was to keep the book safe. That was her only task and if she managed, she would be rewarded heavily. She managed fine for a whole year. But when the second year started, the book caught on fire and became ash. Everyone became angry with her and yelled at her and abused her. They asked her why it had happened when she should have been able to stop the fire if she had been close by. She answered that she had left it in her room and didn't notice. Then, everyone got angry at her and started screaming 'Why did you leave it behind?''Why wasn't it with you?'. And all she said was 'It was bound to happen. I couldn't keep it safe forever I didn't have a time range in which I had to keep it safe for, before getting my reward. I could have been taking care of it till I died without getting a reward so I just gave up'.

What do you think? Should she have looked after it till she got her reward?After all, the reward was said to be 'good'... Was she right and she did what she had to do because, after all, we only have one life (why waste it in a promise of something that might not even be good)? Different people see different things and come to different conclusions... What do you think?

#story #this is random #I wanted to write a short story and this came out

I've been thinking whether to take the CAE or the CPE. I think if I work a bit, I could take the CPE but I'm scared to fail it so I thought of just taking the CAE which I think I have more chances to pass. They cost almost the same so maybe I could take a little bit more time to prepare and just go for the CPE but if I fail... I don't have the money right now either way so I still have time to think about it.

#CAE #CPE #argh

I judge you all from what you write in your tags, Just letting you know.

#what you write when you rant in your tags to be more specific #tags

You guys are so stupid omg. just because you didn't make it doesn't mean you're guilt free because you're reblogging them. And writing a tag about not knowing if you can make gifs of it or not doesn't mean you've done the right thing at all you stupid people! Don't come complaining later on when you don't have cams to watch anymore.

#needed to vent

I don't feel depressed. I don't feel like I'm drowning in angst and wanting to tear my heart out of my chest. But why do I feel like I cannot feel? I feel normal but at the same time I feel a bit empty. If you ask me to tell you how I am, I can honestly say I don't know. I'm not sad. I'm not happy. I'm just there.

#not depressed #empty

I'm scared. Everything is scary and I just want a hug from mommy. I want to be between the arms of my mom and close my eyes against the evil and scary eyes of the big bad monster. That monster that wants to eat you whole. That monster under your bed. Please... please... can't you go away? I want to rest safe between the lovely arms of my haven but I can't.

#scared #scary

Just now, a friend who is busy with a relocation wrote to me and asked about how I was because I haven't written to her and it made me think about it too. I'm available, I have time to write but I haven't felt like writing or talking to anyone lately. I don't feel depressed, I just feel like not talking about myself to anyone. Maybe I'm depressed and I avoid thinking about it by ignoring it. I feel fine but if I think about talking to someone about myself I kind of shut off and just.... avoid it all. I've been avoiding deep convos, I've just been replying to people who write first, I've been lurking and doing anything that makes me avoid interaction with anyone. I guess I'm depressed.

These days, words won't come out. I feel trapped in my head. I cannot reach my hand out to other people, the bonds I had with others have been broken. I'm just holding on people I dislike and that makes me sad. I wish the close bonds I have with the people I like, remained strong forever but it's impossible. I see her going further away. Now we only talk randomly. I could go and talk to her but I don't want to. I could go and say something but I don't want to. So I remain here, in my little island, alone, sad, abandoned.

#alone

Soon I'll have my package and I'll have free CDs and I'm so happy and excited! It's 4 free CDs and I'll be able to give away 2 of those 4 without having to pay for the CDs themselves! Yay! What's better than to be able to do a giveaway with only having to spend a bit of money in shipping and maybe some more money for other stuff? ^^

I need to talk but at the same time I don't want to talk.

#talk #why this feeling?

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