(now) the ugly side of me @hyrmryh - Tumblr Blog

they all will know at some point.

i don't give a shit.

i refuse to bring bad luck to anyone—not anymore.

i won’t let my presence become another burden in anyone's life—i've done enough of that.

i've grown tired of myself, tired enough to see how exhausting i must have been in the eyes of others, disgusted enough to see how disgusting i must have been in the eyes of others.

i care too deeply and that’s why I’m stepping away—before i bruise anything further.

you were a good friend, you are a good person, you always will be. you told me to stay away, to shut my mouth up for real, and i think i need to respect you.

stay healthy, be safe, don't ever get sick without anyone noticing. may life treat you kindly, may every message that reaches you carry nothing but good news for you.

to think that i need to go through this hell — that's wild.

those 4 months tortures with never ending court summons and "terrors", not in a million years did i ever thought a divorce process could be this exhausting.

but it's done.

now i'm gonna see myself at another side.

i have many redeeming qualities, at least that's what i think. like my heart still floats even though many people taught it how to sink.

there's a couple of things i tend to hold closer in my chest. like the bullying i endured as a child that sometimes still gets the best of me.

many quailities to abandone insecurities — i have many, and if anyone needs reasons to leave me, trust me i can find for them plenty.

i have many redeeming qualities, i'm overflowing with wonderful traits: i'm balancing too many plates — so, of course they start to fall. i'm sorry for the sound they make as they shatter.

i have many quailities to abandon because i still feel like i don't matter. sometimes i feel like i'm the words nobody will ever hear expressed.

i have many redeeming qualities and i'm sorry if i'm too much, i'm sorry if this is who you all meet — you all can leave and i will say nothing much.

the little girl i used to be — sitting on my back in the park, picking up shapes in the clouds, dreaming of wandering into the unbounded world, letting her footsteps trace the edges of the unknown. the little girl who didn't know the world would carry so much pain.

to that little girl i used to be — you've survived this. now let me hug you, tightly.

i feel everything at an extreme level — all at once

now i (should) feel nothing.

dear, little me — i hope things are going well.

"Aulia ga punya ayah lagi"

— i'm so sorry i failed you, nak..

aku nangis.

dia nangis.

aku makin nangis.

kalau ku diamkan, setidaknya dia ga nangis.

aku ya tetap nangis.

am i really that disgusting?

like everywhere?

again, i saw you today — thrice in less than a month.

i guess i've mastered the art of being invisible now.

i saw you, again, yesterday — and you really did pretend that i was dead.

i gathered up all the courage left inside me to text you — and as expected, you really did pretend that i was dead.

little did you know, your silence worry me more than your harsh words.

are you really okay?

"it's just a small thing that happened"

— but the world ended when it happened to me.

am i really that disgusting?

i saw your "friends" from your current office today and while they're talking about you, i figured out that you're okay (?) — but, are you really okay?

there's this urge growing in me, every single day, who wants to ask you "are you really okay?", like i really want to stop completely — but i can't, are you even okay?

i can't when there's a possibility of you getting even more fucked up and no one's gonna notice it, well it's also possible that you're slowly getting better now — but, are you really okay?

i told you, you have so many layers and i really can't read you — "you should have known nothing", now that's what you called as a bullshit.

they said i was appeared as too independent, truth is, i wanted to belong so badly.

i started giving too much away — hoping that if they saw all of me, the genuine side of me, they will stay.

but was that really too much? i wasn't even sure myself — for me, there was no such thing as too much when it came to "giving".

i always thought i can build connection, the real and deep connection.

the moment someone made me felt safe, everything i had been holding just spilled out.

you asked me one tiny thing on a random day — and suddenly i told you about my childhood, my biggest fears, how i hate saturday dan sunday.

and while i was talking, a part of me got panic — you would think i was being too much and left me alone.

— and you did.

you left.

you, out of all people, left.

just like everyone else.

i used to have a lot of dreams.

i used to.

— now, i can't have any dream.

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(now) the ugly side of me