IT’s cRyIng tImE

[ I’ll rant A LOT and it’s all about my fucked up problems, cause I have no one in RL that really tried to understand me but yea ] [ TW for all those who are in Recovery! ]

[i-d-k-l-m-b]

2020 is such a scary year, so much happened and I still can’t really process it, a lot of things are scaring me, I’m running from my problems away, thinking they would vanish if I ignored them. I started to loose self control at the beginning of the year, I ate everything I want slowly forgetting that certain foods have been scaring me until now. I rapidly gained weight and I’m now noticing it. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to die. I hate this fat body even more now, and it’s even harder for me to loose the fat that my body has been saving all these months. I lost the control, I eat to comfort myself, I eat normal but my mind is not normal. Why is it so damn scary now? I don’t want people to notice that I gained weight again, that I’m glowing down, people would leave me if I’m fat, ugly and untalented like this, right? And now I’m here, trying for the 200s time to restart and reset everything so that I can be skinny again. Why can’t I just let go and be happy with what I have. If I’m being honest, I was so happy the last few months eating things I like, making memories with lovely people, enjoying life without counting any calories... I know better but I just can’t let go of this mindset, I can’t let go of my eating disorder. I want to vomit every time I see my body, my friends are losing weight, they all are glowing up, including the one I like. I just fear that everyone would leave me when they’ve noticed that I gained weight. A fucked up mindest isn’t it? If I’m not skinny I’ll never be happy, this is what my eating disorder is constantly telling me. I wish I could just be comfortable in my body regardless of how much I weight. But it just doesn’t make sense for my eating disorder mindset. I really want to lose weight, I really want to go all in again, not 50% Ed, not 50% recovery. I don’t want to fuck up having an Ed, It’s the only thing I’m good at. My parents finally know what I’ve been going through but they don’t understand. Telling me I should stop eating so much, doesn’t help me at all, it’s kind of triggering something that makes me eat even more. Idk, people I want to die if I’m staying fat like this, I’m disgusted by myself in the mirror, I don’t want to see this body anymore, I’m in pain but I keep on smiling. It hurts so much someone take my pain away pls. Someone.

[i-d-k-l-m-b]

Hiding depression is keeping everyone happy but you

[i-d-k-l-m-b]

Not that I can’t choose happiness...

I just feel like I don’t

deserve to be happy

[dovecameron-updates]

Dove -

healing is not always pretty. self care is not always face masks and fancy oils (though there’s nothing wrong with that). for me: self care right now is trauma work, writing, face time therapy, daily talks with myself about the acceptance of my life and my current state, attempting to stay physically healthy and not let my depression and anxiety win, and practicing patience. getting out of shape, and being ok with that. being on my phone all day when i wanted to spend time reading and baking, and being ok with that, and trying again tomorrow. setting loose plans, not meeting them, and being ok with that. losing control, and being ok with that. emotionally isolating (as well as self isolating), because it’s what i need to heal, and not going out of my way to find social connection like others are enjoying, because it’s not what i need. self care for me in this time, is following what i NEED, not what i’ve imagined this time looking like in my head or comparing how productive everyone else is being, and being ok with facing myself in all of my painful, messy and sometimes insufferable struggle with my mind. and, some face masks and fancy oils. this is a time where everything comes to the surface, as we all slow down, and what we normally engage in isn’t as accessible to us anymore. we are now, more than ever, faced with ourselves, and for some, like me, that can be scary. here’s to being kind, struggling, adapting, and doing some real fucking self care. though i’m doing what’s best for me & keeping my distance, i am always here. i hope you’re doing whatever’s best for you. 🖤

[sadskinnyangel]

I want to be skinny

I want to be skinny

I want to be skinny

I want to be SKINNY

I want to be skinny

I want to be skinny

I want to be skinny

I want to be SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY skinny SkinNy SKInny skinny SKINNY SKINNY skinny skinny SkiNNy Skinny SKINNY skinny SkinNY

I WANT TO BE SKINNY

I WANT TO BE SKINNY

iwanttobeskinny

SKINNY

i want to be skiiiiiiinny

SSSSSKKKKIIIINNNYYY

I

WANT

TO

BE

SKINNY

SKINNY

SKINNY

SKINNY

SKINNY

SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY

I WANT TO BE SKINNY

I WANT TO SEE MY BONES

I just want to be

Skinny

[becoming-lillly]

🐓🍎🍏APPLE and BROTH diet 🍏🍎🐓

Rules :

🍎 Fast until you cant anymore- then eat an apple.

🍎 Broth. Not soup.

🍎 Limit 3 apples a day.

🍎 Do not go over 100 cals in broth.

🍎 Drink tons of water- black coffee and tea

Keep for this for at least a week and you’ll lose SO MUCH! Great for if you’re weight is being stagnant and stubborn! The apples help you lose weight while the broth cheats your body into thinking it’s gotten something.

Tips: Chicken or Veggie broth is best- try to get low sodium! And no salt added so there’s less Cals!

[strawberrysoleil]

Reblog if you want to kill yourself but don’t want to make your parents sad :/

[thnsphoria]

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

i will not binge

[i-d-k-l-m-b]

I’m gonna slap myself for breaking these Rules:

🚫Eating Candy, Fast Food, Fried Food and sugary drinks

🚫Eating more than max. 2 meals a day

🚫Getting a second plate

🚫unnecessary snacking

🚫eating past 5 pm

✅Fasting for 18-24 Hours

I’m gonna be skinny thinny in Christmas, watch me Btches

💓💗💕💖💘💝💛🧡💜💙❤️

[boysceleton-deactivated20200627]

I can’t eat. I won’t eat.

I can’t eat. I won’t eat.

I can’t eat. I won’t eat.

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[iamcoconutsmell]

just did a bad thing ...

du du

i regret the thing i diiiiid

du du

and ur wondering what it is

i’ll tell you what i did i binged....

i, uh, i binged.

[i-d-k-l-m-b]

TRIGGERING CONTENT ⚠️

UpS I did it again-

I scratched myself again, it might be weird because people may only know about cutting. But I used to cut my arms, but it wouldn’t heal at all (obviously) and I’m an ED sport addict and

1) It burns like hell whenever I sweat

2)I can’t hide it at all and I don’t want my parents to know about it

I switched to scratching myself with a razor so it could heal faster but also satisfies my urge to feel physical pain.

Lately I’ve been binging a lot.

Like I starve myself when I’m in school, but whenever I am at home (my comfort zone) I start binging my 3 days intake. And i know I have been gaining a lot, I see my fat increasing and it’s killing me. I just hate myself for being like this, I’ll never be skinny if I don’t stop eating...

I was so sad and frustrated and everything hurts that I just want to punish myself and see blood. I tend to let my emotions take control whenever I have the razor in my hand, so this time it turned out looking really really bad, excuses like “it was my cat” “ I didn’t cut my nails” will never work. I hope it’ll heal fast tho...

Ah the struggle is real 🤡

[Whenever you have the urge to self harm wether it’s cutting, Burning, scratching etc. remember that you matter to someone out there, you’re not alone and you’re always worth for therapy...]

[i-d-k-l-m-b]

Trigger warning ⚠️

(Mental health/ ED)

You know what makes me realise that I’m not okay? Reading notes like these on my phone:

“HONESTLY DO STH OR I’M GONNA THROW YOU INTO DEATH WHILE YOUR PARENTS ARE WATCHING YOU, SO YOU’LL FEEL EVEN WORSE THAN YOU DID”

“Nobody can save me, I don’t even want to save myself”

“ I want to see myself covered in blood because I fucking deserve to feel pain”

“ I’m a fucking slave for my ED”

“ I really want to throw myself down the stairs, can I?”

...

And many more, but I’m tired...

[depression-healthy-carrier]

Easy peasy kill me pleasy

[i-d-k-l-m-b]

So school...

I said I would fast during school but every time my friends are going out eating I break my fast, even if it’s salad it’s still fregging food and I feel fucking bad to lose control like that.

But there’s this fxcked up shit. If I don’t eat sth at all I’ll binge when I return home. And it’s even worse than eating fregging salad...

I also want to fast and not eat at all so I can feel good and In control when I’m in public...

Yeaaaa I’m fxcked 🤡

[i-d-k-l-m-b]

Sth it’s weird, my arms are the only thing that are losing fat very fast, I’m happy tho

It just looks weird because like my thighs are HUGE SHITS and then there’s my “skinny” arm

[i-d-k-l-m-b]

I’m scared of myself. Like, whenever I’m hanging out with my friends, classmates I act like I’m a cutE aND FUnNY Boo it’s a completely different person.

“You’re always so cute and energetic” -friends

Oh boiii if they knew about the war inside my head. They don’t know how fucked up I am. How much I hate myself and my disgusting body. How much I want to kms to end all of this nightmare that I’ve been running away from. I’m in a new school found good friends and I have good classmates tho.

But what if they find out about how disgusting I am? I’m so scared they’ll know about it. I’m scared of being judged. I’m terrified of people starring down at me.

Sometimes I’m scared of myself, the “social” character that I show people feel so real that I sometimes forget about my ED, depression and how much I want to kms. I’m running away from the truth. And it’s exhausting af...