my cocaine dealer fell in love.

well well well if it isn't the feelings I buried.

[i-kill-ghosts]

I used to post here when I was 16

I’m 19 now

Everything I wrote about my family holds a lot of truth but other things? Not so much.

I think I grew up a bit, actually, no, a lot.

A series of horrible choice in men - constantly in and out of relationships to find someone who loves me well - chasing external validation yada yada yada

I could go on and on about the past 3 years but what I actually want yall to know is

(1) I finally left my house. I started discovering myself. Leaving my house for college was the best decision I made. It saved me.

(2) I found the love of my life who loves me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. (You’re not too broken to love my dear)

(3) I don’t feel like killing myself but if you do then please hang on for a little longer - there’s so much happiness love that’s waiting for you…

[i-kill-ghosts]

LIFE UPDATE!!!!!! IT GOT WORSE!!!!

[i-kill-ghosts]

timeless post lol

[i-kill-ghosts]

i just wanted to feel loved man, that's all I've ever wanted.

[i-kill-ghosts]

i know one thing and that is i never, ever want children.

[i-kill-ghosts]

He never wanted us, never.

I don't feel like there's someone who I can call family. I don't have a family. This isn't family. Family doesn't hit you. Family doesn't... Maybe family does hit you. Maybe family does curse you. Maybe you are supposed to be scared of family. Maybe you are supposed to feel alone when you're with family. Maybe you are supposed to find every opportunity you can to stay out of your house. Maybe you're supposed to be criticized, yelled at or have disappointed looks/comments waiting for you. Maybe your mother is supposed to blame you for her life failing. Maybe your parents are supposed to never trust you. Maybe your father is supposed to make you feel like you'll never, ever, be enough. Maybe sisters do yell at you for every little mistake you make cause let's face it, you're not a child are you? You became an adult when you were 10 and lost your childhood and now you're an adult with crippling anxiety and 0 will to live.

[i-kill-ghosts]

just once i wanna feel the love i give, just once.

[i-kill-ghosts]

I am convinced I'm a main character of a wattpad novel. Ask me why. ASK ME WHYYYY.

[sxkurasakura]

i regret telling my mom about my feelings lmao

[i-kill-ghosts]

hah.

[i-kill-ghosts]

I feel dumb for believing that she could actually hold a normal conversation with me

And betrayed cause my mom was supposed to be on my side

[i-kill-ghosts]

everything they do, everything they say pierces my heart and then they ask me why I behave like I do

[i-kill-ghosts]

i really really feel like slitting my hand and neck right now and I don't know who to call

[i-kill-ghosts]

TW : suicide note

no man this isnt done. im already running VERY low on energy. jitni energy hai sab jeene mei laga rahi hu because suicidal thoughts are too much right now. when you're suicidal and hate disappointing people, someone you love dearly and probably the most in the world comes to you and tells you that they are disappointed in you and hey you should be I made a mistake. But it was an honest genuine mistake. I'm in an environment where my energy is continuously sucked on and now you're like 'I didn't expect this from you' and that 'what your parents are doing should be done' Thank you for making me feel it's all my fault. Thank you for making me feel that the length of my clothes do define my character. Thank you for validating everything my misogynistic homophobic slut shaming abusive parents did. Thank you for making me feel like I should not make mistakes because they clearly won't be forgiven and I'll roam around with the weight of my mistake and instead of learning from it I'll be cursing myself for existing. Thank you for unknowingly accelerating someone's suicidal thoughts. Thank you but you might be the reason (including a lot of other people) if someone kills herself.

[i-kill-ghosts]

TW : Was writing my suicide note when my mom started yelling at me and saying that I'm always crying and yelled at me because my room was slightly messy. Honestly, the note ends very well. I'm proud of the note.

[i-kill-ghosts]

TW : I'd like to kill myself. Can someone stage it for me? Like my death which is a suicide but not really cause it's a murder. consensual murder basically

[i-kill-ghosts]

thinking about how even when im dead asleep if I hear footsteps near me I will wake up suddenly because ive been woken up with/to violence for most of my life. not shocked that I fall asleep in peace only when there is no one near me.

[i-kill-ghosts]

cried in front of my mom for fourty minutes. she didn't give a fuck. proud.

[i-kill-ghosts]

i wanna kill myself