Im Bleeding

All over this page. My thoughts are scarlet and maroon.

[i-must-feel]

I try to sleep

My pores are too full

My hair is greasy

It’s hot

My eyes itch

I can feel every hair on my body scratching at my skin

My ears are full of wax

My skin is too tight

It looks like there’s a man outside the window

[i-must-feel]

Everything is screaming and roaring at a fever pitch

I can feel my skull being carved into new shapes with woodcarving tools that haven’t been sharpened in centuries

The universe is spinning do you understand??

I am becoming

[i-must-feel]

Nothing in the world makes sense anymore. I get congratulated for standing in one spot all day and listening to people ignore me or yell at me or praise me. Go home. Maybe clean, maybe sleep. Wake up, tell therapist I’m sad, she stares and asks why, she asks how I fix this. I go to work. I try to do special events, no one I care about can come, I plan everything, it sucks. No point. No point in fun snacks that costs money. Fun experiences are humiliating. The News. My body is wrong. I am ugly and alone and afraid. More time passes. I am older and worth less and have less time to change. I try to remember what I do when I’m not working. Everything seems pointless. Any art I make will end up as trash in some relatives closet once I’m dead. Any book is a slog, I’m not good at anything and I can’t bear doing something badly.

[i-must-feel]

I had a dream I went over to my bosses house but she had a gothic castle mansion and I got lost in it and there where pink roses everywhere and she and her girlfriend were maybe into me but I couldn’t tell because I couldn’t remember my gender

[i-must-feel]

Maybe it’s because I grew up as a girl, knowing people care the most when I’m pretty or in pain

[i-must-feel]

Everything affirming feels vulnerable and shameful, I have all these kinks about being humiliated but I can barely handle someone calling me a gentleman because I feel so awful when people know I like that, it feels like I’m about to be hurt and becomes almost mocking

[i-must-feel]

Why does other people knowing I’m trans feel like touching an open wound?

[i-must-feel]

Day in the life

(Today; in my life)

Midnight- jerk off to queer morally dubious porn

8:30- wake up and rush to work

9:10- get to work ten minutes late, ceo is attempting to hold a company wide zoom meeting to correct the smear campaign I ghost wrote about him

10:00- chug a vending machine redbull

11:00- start actually working

12:00- get frustrated with the fact I will never retire, transition will never work, I will never be able to do what I want through action or expression, and I’ve fucked up so badly I’m useless to everyone around me

1:00- stand on the ledge of the tallest building I can find, run from well meaning man and twenty police

2:00- re assure boss I slept with a couple times before she felt bad for the age gap and power imbalance but I’m 50% sure still has feelings for me and I’m definitely down bad for her that I’m fine

2:05- go back to work

5:00- no sales

6:00- leave work to pick up hrt, get invited to boss’s house, I think she only invited me because she feels guilty about her mom killing herself

7:00- hang out with boss and her girlfriend who offered to also sleep with me, watch a YouTube video analyzing the Folgers incest commercial fanfic where one of the characters in the forbidden affair jumps off a building, feel awkward and leave

8:00- drive home wondering if I’m in a fanfic

9:00- get home to girlfriend tell her nothing, she knows I’m depressed and we’re poly but nothing else

10:00- try to figure out what mentally healthy people do

10:45- write an over sharing tumblr post

[i-must-feel]

Getting misgendered by the cops trying to talk you off a literal ledge is really the cherry on a shit sundae

[i-must-feel]

I’m a man in the same way that Jesus is on the cross. I look a very specific way except on holidays. I’m friends with whores and incentivize people to hate the rich. Most people picture me topless. I’m most commonly depicted in media as unwillingly penetrated or a helpless infant.

[i-must-feel]

It is actually so crucial for boy moders, fem trans guys, butch trans women, trans people who live in cargo pants and sweatshirts to exist because that’s the only thing that made my dad realize gender fuckery isn’t for other people it’s for the individual and it’ll probably make someone else realize that too

[i-must-feel]

I’ve always hated my body; down to the smallest details

When I was a kid I used to gnaw and scrape at the inside of my cheeks to try and get better cheekbones

I used to cut callouses off my feet to keep them soft

[i-must-feel]

Being disrespected by someone who won’t matter in a year is not a valid reason to start shit. You can usually get to the bottom of the issue if you use your goddamn brain.

[i-must-feel]

Y’all need to learn how to deal with people who are rude/idiotic/disrespectful just as a form of existing. Like yes the bitch is cussing you out, that doesn’t mean you have to call the cops or fight them. We live in a society, let’s problem solve like it please for the love of fuck.

[i-must-feel]

I wanna be a good boy I wanna be a good boy I wanna be a good boy someone tell me I’m a good boy please I’ll get on my knees please please tell me I’m good I can be a good boy

[i-must-feel]

I bet on losing dogs by mitski but it’s about growing up thinking you had potential, barely escaping an awful life but as a consequence never able to fulfill your full potential and dreams, stuck with a life that’s good but never as good as it could have been if you just tried harder. Being the losing dog.

[i-must-feel]

When I was a kid (2010)I had a really weird relationship to anything girly because I thought you needed, as a checklist, to have these things to be pretty

- shiny long hair

- cheekbones like maleficent

-tall

-flat stomach

-big nose

-clothing that wasn’t hyper fem but was a girl take on a boy fit

-vocal fry

-be into video games and books and history and social topics

Which makes sense now for me to be a trans man who thought he was a femme lesbian because you were supposed to feel uncomfortable in your body as a girl and also likes t4t