Vaporwave Historians

Mr. K. The new Archbishop of Nova Justiniana and All Cyprus. Just a guy. Messed in the legs, messed in the head. I am so fucking bitter about the Cyprus problem.

[i-survived-that]

Update

I am vaporwavehistorian. I might change my username to a hopeful reminder for myself. If you don't recognize the username, that's why.

Let's begin.

Hello folks, I know it's been quite some time.

So, here I am. I'm alive and as healthy as I can get (which's not much, still crippled and all, but there's no active deathly thing going on, so bless!)

Small news: I had to drag my ass to the ER after suspecting brain hemorrhage or a stroke in the beginning of the semester. Yeah, it's been a few months. Nothing came up though (what the hell was that, we don't really know). While waiting for the results, I aged like 20-30 years in the ER waiting room. That does wonders, you know? I've been walking around and looking at the world with changed eyes. Anchored. Quiet. Aware. Mindful. Thankful.

And the biggest news: I broke up from a 6 year long relationship which was abusive.

------------------

TW: Abuse (including mentions of sexual abuse), disordered eating, ableism, long-ass rambling.

My identity was built around the relationship, I blamed myself and hated myself for many things. I denied myself certain friendships, sometimes I was very distant, I wasn't allowed to style my hair in certain ways, I was asked on and off "When will you fix your legs? You're disabled because you're not doing what I told you to do. Why can't you be like the others? Try to be like the others. Fix yourself. Become normal." Those are exact words and there were more.

And I lived through that. At the end, there was a "Cut your meds [my meds for bipolar with psychosis]". He thought that it was what made me asexual. I admit, finding it out after 6 years must have been shocking for him, but I believe now I may be grayasexual or something instead, I was just far too traumatized to think about anything sexual. I will not be talking about that.

Well, he gave me an ultimatum, a long list of "things to fix" and it insulted my hobbies, my behavior, my enthusiasm for things he didn't like, my expression, my fashion choice, my style, my appearance... He wanted me to change everything, saying he sacrificed all for me, why couldn't I sacrifice them for him?

I missed my meds in a crucial period and hallucinated so hard. I was in a haze. Everything was a blur. I missed meals continuously for days. Then, my sister told me that this shit was abusive. She told me to break up. I stayed with her, played with her cats, then I broke up with him. It was one of the hardest things I have done, because I loved him. I really loved him. I tried. I had given my everything. But I was unable to look in the mirror or see my old photos where I was allowed to have a style of my own. I hated myself. I was ashamed of myself. I was always on guard.

Sometimes love isn't enough. I was fading away. The next step was starving to death. I knew it. I broke up with him.

It's almost been 3 weeks since then. Things have been a blur since last November (thanks psychosis). I remember a few weeks period in January, then it's all a blur till now. I don't know what will happen, but I can feel the stress reduced.

There's still so much work to do. I blame myself quite a lot. I feel lost. I'm mostly isolated. But I'm not in danger, here's that. Things are looking up. I got a haircut and it felt free. God, I felt free.

So, I've been reading things to rebuild myself. It's gonna be hard, because I'd been dating him since I was very young. We were young teens. We are young adults now. All those years, oh God, I tried. As long as I managed to conform, there was love and laughter. But when I slipped, I was blamed. Communication would shut down. It would be horribly cold. I felt so fucking alone.

Even my disability was "stressing him out too much" and he kept talking about his bad luck, pushing me to "fix myself". It's like getting told "Fix your eye color" over and over. I was sent images of "normal people" and told "Be like this, dress like this, why don't you dye your hair like this, get your haircut like this, get lenses..." etc. He even wanted me to change my laughing style.

And I fucking loved him. I tried. I fucking tried. Because I love. Because I am a little human being who loves with all his heart. Because I love every single thing, and he was no exception. I wish I was loved, too. Not for the person he wanted me to be, but as the one who I am.

------------------------

I don't know if I'll post more on tumblr. I've just been visiting abuse subreddits and trying to give advice to those like me. Just resting this summer. I also got a short internship for some weirdass IR department but hey, it's gonna kill some time. The biggest development is that I don't hate myself anymore. I don't love myself either, but the ascension into this neutral state is something grand.

And to all those pals, mutuals, acquaintances, loved ones, followers, anyone: I'm sorry that I disappeared. Sometimes it gets too much. There were days I couldn't tell the year. I hallucinated for every waking hour on some days. It's a little messy in the head. But I love you all. I love you all in the purest sense of the word, in the meaning of "I hope you always be happy and pleased, I hope you have a nice future, I hope you are always hopeful, I hope warm sun shines upon you like a kitten sleeping in the garden in a warm evening, I hope you are cherished".

And thank you all for everything. It's only going to get better from now on (I hope!)

[whimsicalfairytales]

One massive, legitimate way to improve as a writer or artist or in any creative endeavor really, is to become absolutely obsessed with something and to allow yourself to be weird about it. Genuinely mean this btw.

[i-survived-that]

I was in the class and the professor was talking about napalm usage in history, failing to mention one example I know. I raised my hand and said, "Ma'am, I remember finding a document from the US archives about Turkish airplanes with napalm heading to Cyprus. Cypriots also say that napalm was used. Do you know about it?"

She shook her head and gently smiled, telling me that she hadn't heard of that. She told me that if it was true, we would be hearing about it in the textbooks everywhere, as "they love talking about [defaming] Turkey".

The class was packed, 40-60 people. They laughed.

[i-survived-that]

This was 11 days ago.

Two days ago, I sat down with my father. He got confirmation by calling a journalist/historian who witnessed those times.

I found two documents in US archives that mention napalm usage by Turkey in Cyprus.

I found video footage.

I have one of the exact locations on map where napalm was used, confirmed by my aunt's husband who was an eyewitness.

I have another account from a friend whose grandfather witnessed napalm in another location in Cyprus.

I will print those tonight and give it to her in tomorrow's class.

[i-survived-that]

1) When people laugh, I take things personally.

2) I am a Cypriot, of course I will take things personally.

3) I am a Cypriot whose Cypriot family has been given shit by the Turkish government, the worst being the war. Of course I will take things personally.

4) If it's about war crimes being forgotten and erased, you know I have to take things personally.

[i-survived-that]

Printed them out, tomorrow is the day!

(The knife in the back is unrelated, I live in one small room and I have my cooking equipment on my work table because I don't have any other place!! I was slicing some fruit).

ID: a bunch of documents, maps, and photos on a wooden table. The documents are photocopies of formerly classified files from the US archives with "defense intelligence agency" written on them, the seals and signatures all visible. A document mentions Turkish aircraft taking off in the morning of 15 August 1974 with napalm and bombs loaded, heading to Cyprus. Another document mentions the usage of napalm by Turkish forces in seizing an airport in Cyprus. A photograph of black smoke has Greek writing on it that includes the world "napalm". End ID.

[i-survived-that]

UPDATE!

I took it to my professor. She smiled, I showed everything. She took her time to read the documents. "I didn't know that," she said. She then asked me if the usage is admitted by the army. I said no.

She was glad that I showed her the documents. Perhaps she will include this in her classes next year!

[i-survived-that]

I was in the class and the professor was talking about napalm usage in history, failing to mention one example I know. I raised my hand and said, "Ma'am, I remember finding a document from the US archives about Turkish airplanes with napalm heading to Cyprus. Cypriots also say that napalm was used. Do you know about it?"

She shook her head and gently smiled, telling me that she hadn't heard of that. She told me that if it was true, we would be hearing about it in the textbooks everywhere, as "they love talking about [defaming] Turkey".

The class was packed, 40-60 people. They laughed.

[i-survived-that]

This was 11 days ago.

Two days ago, I sat down with my father. He got confirmation by calling a journalist/historian who witnessed those times.

I found two documents in US archives that mention napalm usage by Turkey in Cyprus.

I found video footage.

I have one of the exact locations on map where napalm was used, confirmed by my aunt's husband who was an eyewitness.

I have another account from a friend whose grandfather witnessed napalm in another location in Cyprus.

I will print those tonight and give it to her in tomorrow's class.

[i-survived-that]

1) When people laugh, I take things personally.

2) I am a Cypriot, of course I will take things personally.

3) I am a Cypriot whose Cypriot family has been given shit by the Turkish government, the worst being the war. Of course I will take things personally.

4) If it's about war crimes being forgotten and erased, you know I have to take things personally.

[i-survived-that]

Printed them out, tomorrow is the day!

(The knife in the back is unrelated, I live in one small room and I have my cooking equipment on my work table because I don't have any other place!! I was slicing some fruit).

ID: a bunch of documents, maps, and photos on a wooden table. The documents are photocopies of formerly classified files from the US archives with "defense intelligence agency" written on them, the seals and signatures all visible. A document mentions Turkish aircraft taking off in the morning of 15 August 1974 with napalm and bombs loaded, heading to Cyprus. Another document mentions the usage of napalm by Turkish forces in seizing an airport in Cyprus. A photograph of black smoke has Greek writing on it that includes the world "napalm". End ID.

[i-survived-that]

They write me off as "just an emotional kid". They tell me that world works on logic, not feelings.

Tell me, is it logical to feed a being and meet its every need to the point of your exhaustion? Why do humans care for their kids, then? Why did our ancestors lovingly raise us, ancient humams making wheeled toys for their kids?

Tell me, was it logical to "waste" material to make figurines for babies to play with? Oh dear, those are tens of thousands of years old. Love is older than us all, love is older than modern humans. Care is millions of years old.

Tell me about the logic that makes you justify ending a life. Tell me about how some American guy in a fancy suit developed this new theory and how it's more valid than pure human love that has existed all along. Call me a fool for being human. Call for the deaths of masses, doing mental gymnastics to not liken yourself to those infamous people of the past, and act like you are enlightened.

I can't stand it.

[i-survived-that]

I know that history was basically racism in some people's hands and archaeology was straightup looting. For the latter, we have strict rules now (and repatriation efforts too, I myself will work on that for my fatherland's smuggled artifacts). For the former, well, history is greater than a tool.

Some people surely used history as a tool, but it is like a gemstone. Covered in mud for a while, but to be washed away. It's a ritual. We are the monks of forgotten memories. A historian should stand for what is right. "Right" means "if you ever find yourself in a position trying to justify an individual's death, ask yourself what the fuck you are doing". This has been my principle. I had fights with people trying to justify paramilitaries or other "operations" because to them, they were "generally good, even though some civilians died too".

There is no bigger picture. If you need to disregard human life to see a "logical bigger picture", they're making a monster out of you. There is nothing more precious than human life. No invisible ideology, no greater goal, no label worth killing. Nothing.

No strategy. Just goddamn life.

[i-survived-that]

I feel like IR is too eurocentric sometimes. I mean, everything is eurocentric sometimes. But IR is also sanitized of humanity to me. I may be wrong, but this is how I feel.

On history, especially the microhistory part of it, we would learn about individual ordinary people just to understand how people like us lived. You touch them through history. You read about them. They die and you mourn. It's something very personal and intimate.

Then, IR... Cost-benefit analysis playing with human life and choosing money over it. People with fancy diplomas dressed up in expensive suits, wearing fancy perfumes and cologne... they shake hands and repeat each other's titles, gift each other engraved fancy pens, and make speeches that end up nowhere. They talk about how you shouldn't burn someone to death because it's banned by the rules of murder, but you can put a bullet in someone's head if it's for democracy. And no one mourns for the dead. It's just collateral damage.

I can't stand it.

[i-survived-that]

How many of those Western men in fancy suits talking about war have feared for their lives? Why do we keep repeatingthe founders of the ideologies saying "arm up forever and kill them before they come for you" like the names of saints in our mouths? If you killed someone, you'd be punished in the village. If you order someone to kill someone and call it "for democracy", the masses will justify it for you.

IR will be used to tell me that the war was a strategic operation for Turkey to secure its southern border. Unintended damage will be the civilian bodies with bullets in their heads. IR will talk about strategy but I am a historian. I am a historian and I will talk about my father's empty eyes after witnessing war as a child.

A class full of people will gamble on theoretical human life as a strategy game. I am a historian and I cry for people long gone.

I can't stand it. Where is the punchline I'm not getting? There must be some kind of a point I'm missing. All those people must be wiser than I am, keeping quiet and studying this glorious science of IR. Why am I the only one who is disturbed?

[i-survived-that]

I feel like IR is too eurocentric sometimes. I mean, everything is eurocentric sometimes. But IR is also sanitized of humanity to me. I may be wrong, but this is how I feel.

On history, especially the microhistory part of it, we would learn about individual ordinary people just to understand how people like us lived. You touch them through history. You read about them. They die and you mourn. It's something very personal and intimate.

Then, IR... Cost-benefit analysis playing with human life and choosing money over it. People with fancy diplomas dressed up in expensive suits, wearing fancy perfumes and cologne... they shake hands and repeat each other's titles, gift each other engraved fancy pens, and make speeches that end up nowhere. They talk about how you shouldn't burn someone to death because it's banned by the rules of murder, but you can put a bullet in someone's head if it's for democracy. And no one mourns for the dead. It's just collateral damage.

I can't stand it.

[i-survived-that]

I was in the class and the professor was talking about napalm usage in history, failing to mention one example I know. I raised my hand and said, "Ma'am, I remember finding a document from the US archives about Turkish airplanes with napalm heading to Cyprus. Cypriots also say that napalm was used. Do you know about it?"

She shook her head and gently smiled, telling me that she hadn't heard of that. She told me that if it was true, we would be hearing about it in the textbooks everywhere, as "they love talking about [defaming] Turkey".

The class was packed, 40-60 people. They laughed.

[i-survived-that]

This was 11 days ago.

Two days ago, I sat down with my father. He got confirmation by calling a journalist/historian who witnessed those times.

I found two documents in US archives that mention napalm usage by Turkey in Cyprus.

I found video footage.

I have one of the exact locations on map where napalm was used, confirmed by my aunt's husband who was an eyewitness.

I have another account from a friend whose grandfather witnessed napalm in another location in Cyprus.

I will print those tonight and give it to her in tomorrow's class.

[i-survived-that]

1) When people laugh, I take things personally.

2) I am a Cypriot, of course I will take things personally.

3) I am a Cypriot whose Cypriot family has been given shit by the Turkish government, the worst being the war. Of course I will take things personally.

4) If it's about war crimes being forgotten and erased, you know I have to take things personally.

[i-survived-that]

I was in the class and the professor was talking about napalm usage in history, failing to mention one example I know. I raised my hand and said, "Ma'am, I remember finding a document from the US archives about Turkish airplanes with napalm heading to Cyprus. Cypriots also say that napalm was used. Do you know about it?"

She shook her head and gently smiled, telling me that she hadn't heard of that. She told me that if it was true, we would be hearing about it in the textbooks everywhere, as "they love talking about [defaming] Turkey".

The class was packed, 40-60 people. They laughed.

[i-survived-that]

This was 11 days ago.

Two days ago, I sat down with my father. He got confirmation by calling a journalist/historian who witnessed those times.

I found two documents in US archives that mention napalm usage by Turkey in Cyprus.

I found video footage.

I have one of the exact locations on map where napalm was used, confirmed by my aunt's husband who was an eyewitness.

I have another account from a friend whose grandfather witnessed napalm in another location in Cyprus.

I will print those tonight and give it to her in tomorrow's class.

[i-survived-that]

I was in the class and the professor was talking about napalm usage in history, failing to mention one example I know. I raised my hand and said, "Ma'am, I remember finding a document from the US archives about Turkish airplanes with napalm heading to Cyprus. Cypriots also say that napalm was used. Do you know about it?"

She shook her head and gently smiled, telling me that she hadn't heard of that. She told me that if it was true, we would be hearing about it in the textbooks everywhere, as "they love talking about [defaming] Turkey".

The class was packed, 40-60 people. They laughed.

[i-survived-that]

Been almost a month since ive last been here lol. Im alive and all! And oh boy do i have a quest to embark on

[i-survived-that]

I hope you feel better soon! I’m currently sick for the second time this semester too so… solidarity 🫂

THANK YOU SO MUCH! Sending allll my hugs and good wishes. I hope you get better too!!!

[i-survived-that]

The Cypriot political project server is CELEBRATING.

ID: A discord event called "Kissinger kicked the fucking bucket" in all caps. It's currently running till midnight. The cover image is an artistic depiction of hell. End ID.

[i-survived-that]

Ive been sick twice and psychosis went so bad, but I am grounded in 2023's current reality today just enough to celebrate the death of Mr. Henry Kissing-my-ass. Rest in piss bitch.

[ahuara-deactivated20250412]

(Nov. 29)

[rsvpepicme]

Thought I'd add the rest

[shininginspace]

Image description: The first photo is a post by trans judeo-bolshevik @ transjewtalian that reads “thinking today of henry kissinger’s victims

3 million + vietnamese

2.5 million + cambodians

200,000 + laotions

3 million + bangladeshis

10,000 + indians

10,000 + pakistanis

15,000 + egyptians

3500 + syrians

6500 + cypriots

40,000 + chileans

30,000 + argentinians”

The second image is a continuation of the post in the comment section by trans judeo-bolshevik. It continues

“10,000 + zimbabweans

60,000 + mozambiqueans

900,000 + angolans

11,000 + guinea bissauans

300,000 + east timorians

1,000,000 + indonesians

20,000 + western saharans

1,100,000 + iraqis

and so so many more

they are more than just a number, they were people who had parents, children, families, hopes, dreams, pets, jobs who because of henry kissinger and western foreign policy apparatus were murdered in the name of imperialism and white supremacy

it is very possible that henry kissinger has played a role in the mass murder of more people than anyone else in human history”

End ID.

[i-survived-that]

MR HENRY KISSING-MY-ASS KICKED THE FUCKING BUCKET!

WELL BOY IT WAS ABOUT TIME, MAYBE HALF A CENTURY TOO LATE AFTER YOU FUCKED MY FATHERLAND UP, BUT OH WELL

REST IN PISS BITCH