arials blog

a bipolar unicorn just trying to make it

[i-wont-drown]

thinking back

i keep thinking back on my last relationship. if we are being honest it was my only real one. Daniel only wanted to fuck me and he did, he even tried to fuck my sister so i don’t consider him to be a real boyfriend. skyler though, hes even more confusing i want to look back fondly on our memories together i really do. more then anything, but i cant. we have the great memories like Halloween, or our first date, or our first kiss, all of our firsts. until it turned into our first fight, our first breakup, and then our first heartbreak. he broke me more then i thought i could be broke by him of all people. i loved him so much, more then i could explain in words. when he would tell me things like i would never lie to you i believed him and when he said he believed me about getting sexually assaulted i believed him. then he took it back everything about never lying to me. he broke up with me after he told me it was half my fault and that i cheated on him by getting assaulted. he told EVERYBODY at his school that i cheated on him. that broke me that he would listen to me sob and have mental breakdowns and panic attacks and then turn around and say he doesn’t believe me. he would get mad at me for literally having a life before i even knew he existed. i was already depressed when i met him so when i moved he liked it better if i just stayed inside and didn’t see any guys that weren’t my family. if i went to the store and i didn’t tell him i must have flirted with someone while i was there. cause i wasn’t glued to my phone. he told me i was selfish and a bitch for telling my mom specifically who sexually assaulted me just cause i was his friends older brother. i literally told my own mother and he told me i was fucked up for doing that. other then the bad though, he could make me laugh no matter what but he would also say some fucked up shit and then take it back and say it was a joke. that was a majority of our relationship downs with a little bit of ups. but the good was really good i cant lie. i miss the good parts about him. the version of him that i first met. the skyler i went on my first date with. i miss that skyler. but i guess two years in a relationship changes people. at least now i know

[i-wont-drown]

well...

so me and that boy i was talking to mutually ghosted each other. he did say that when he got back from the keys he wanted to be a hermit. i guess i just didn’t think that meant from me too. at least he was nice most of the time. whats funny is that boy will never know that i threw up on his dick now. cause well we aren’t talking so why does he need to know now lol. i have  a gut feeling he will keep me in the back of his brain when he just wants to hook up with someone. i don’t really like that. last time when i said he was an alcoholic i wasn’t joking. when hes drunk he is loose and talkative but also way too much about certain things. not only was he driving drunk but he also wanted me to suck his dick and i was already not feeling good so when i tried to lay down on his lap he basically told me i HAD to suck his dick. i already don’t like doing that to begin with cause when  i was younger someone forced me to do that without consent so it already brings back bad memories but men just don’t seem to give a fuck when they are drunk i guess. since i was in his car on the way to his house i didn’t know what else to do except listen and the whole time doing it i was hoping that we would be at his house soon enough and i wouldn’t have to keep doing it. then i threw up and i didn’t know what to do, now i felt bad but i also didn’t cause he told me to do something i didn’t want to do. so when we got to his house i made it a point to not suck his dick anymore and i fake moaned the whole night cause i lost interest. then the next day he told me he only wanted to fuck me and nothing more and honestly that was the only reason i stuck that shit out was to see how serious he was about me and obviously i got my answer. so like i said we mutually ghosted each other. i don’t even know if i really want a relationship again.. 

[i-hate-chick-fil-a]

[i-wont-drown]

I doesn’t matter how slow you go as long as you never stop

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i cant lie i had a point slow and steady wins the race

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this is what fucking happens when someone starts drama with me. i dont like fucking drama in the first place so when someone starts it with me they must be really fucking bored. i will try not to punch their mother fucking ass. if they come back for more i will slap their ass. the next time they come i will punch they ass.the last time i will go off on they ass then beat they ass up. i am not trying to sound geto but this is the way i got to say it. and this girl zoe is starting drama with everyone that she know just trying to piss us off. i am just done with this girl. she trys to get everyone in trouble and i am just sick and tired of it. oh and did i say she thinks i am her mother fucking friend? if i do what i am planing i might just go to fucking jail. i think jail would be better than spending a day with zoe. let me sum this up like if you hate mother fucking drama to. cause if you do like drama than you are like zoe to and i would not want to spend a day with you either. so i am thankfull if you read all of this. you must really like my blog. thanks again for reading this

(via i-wont-drown)

apparently i liked to curse lol

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Why I Like My Friend Nicole

the reason why i like my friend nicole is because she does not care what weird desisions i make like when i wanted to be a lesbian she did not care. I lost a friend because i made that desision but i guess they were not a true friend. They must not have wanted to be my friend as much as nicole. I stay with nicole no matter what i dont walk away when someone is making fun of her or bullying her. I stand up for her i make sure they dont make her cry. I never leave her i miss her everyday when i go home. I only like school because all of my friends are there. If they are not there i have a bad day. On the weekend i miss them the most because i do not see them for a whole two days. Every weekend i want them to sleepover with me but they cant always come to my house. I wish i could spend every seccond of every day with my friends. Me and nicole call each other sisters. Not even me and my real sister are that close. What i am trying to say is that you should charish every moment that you spend with your friends. Dont ignor them because one day you might loose them.

thank you for reading this

please reblog

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another funny post from when i was 12

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life is a bitch so learn to deal with it is what i always tell my friend and she never listens so i said fuck you and she said no thanks i dont want herbies now i am pissed off at her.

like if you agree for me to be pissed off at her

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an old post i thought was funny

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4th of July

so i ended up making out with two girls at a 4th of July party and ended up arguing with one of their boyfriends. then a fight broke out and someone ended up stealing my friends puff bar and i ended up stealing some random persons shoes at the end of the night. there was so much happening but also almost nothing happened. there was a cop sitting at the end of the street the whole night but he never came up and said anything. when we got home my sister dropped a lit cigarette under one of the seats in her car and we were panicking trying to find it before it caught something on fire. then my best friend invited one of her friends over and we let him stay the night because we could tell he was too drunk to drive home. all in all we had a good night but i know now that i really do like small groups better then big ones there’s just too much drama in big groups

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i want to scream

i know being bipolar isn’t an easy thing to live with for any person. what i don’t understand is why it feels like majority of the time your down and you have to fight for a good day. its like every single day i feel like i could cry at any moment but i could also scream at any moment. i’m always stressing myself out for no reason and i always have to tell myself that the whole world isn’t against me and that i’m not a burden. more then any person i know even the insecure ones. i just hate feeling like i’m crazy or like i’m the only person that feels this way. if there was a cure for it i don’t even know if i would want it which makes me feel even crazier

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random

i hate feeling like im crazy for wanting to do something stupid every once and a while. maybe i am just fucking crazy i give up for right now at least

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another update

my biological fathers mother passed away from brain cancer my moms chemo is getting worse and worse by the week. the guy i was talking to is an alcoholic and has some things he has to work through. i am not getting any better on the depression front. i am kinda loosing it lately but keeping it together when im around people im not really sure if i am doing a good job but nobody has told me i look dead inside lately so maybe my acting skills are getting better. seriously i am doing better in a lot of ways my sister is moving out of her old place which is really good for her because they were nothing but drama just like her exs. we finally got rid of another toxic ass fake friend it was two different fake friends in the matter of a few months. i think my friend group is gonna take a break from meeting people and hanging out with them as a group

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life lately

so an update, where do i start. firstly my mom has breast cancer, my biological fathers mother has brain cancer and is on ventilators to help her breathe. my mom just started doing chemo. my grandma is becoming more and more paranoid because of her stroke she had a year ago and thinks ants are everywhere. my sister has a crazy roommate and crazy abusive ex’s,my childhood dog is getting old you know what i mean, and of course i’m still processing old traumas that i still haven't gotten over completely but on the bright side i have a good support system although my best friend that lives with me hasn’t been home in a while and i cant lie i feel pretty alone at times more often then not. i also met a boy who seems like if anything at least a good story to put in my diary. what a sweetheart but also how rough he was. he was perfect in my eyes but beauty is in the eye of the beholder isn’t it. so i cant expect the person next to me to find him attractive. and i cant lie i’m surprised i’m so into him and the fact that hes so country i never thought i would like anything country again after certain country music became triggering for me i kinda tried to avoid it all together until he came around that is. maybe he came into my life to simply show me that i don’t need to let these men have control over what i like and don’t like. although i still don’t like cheetah print nothing triggering about it i just don’t like it. he seems like a good and bad influence but lets be optimistic and hope that he brings me a little glimmer at the end of the tunnel he doesn’t have to be a whole light maybe a spark would be nice. i don’t want to put pressure on him though so small talk it is huh

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is it too good to be true

so i met a boy and i’m not saying he is picture perfect not in regards to looks cause to me i think hes hot. OK, not the point sorry. he has his flaws like everybody but a part of me just likes him so easily. for the first time in a while i am going out of my comfort zone and just texting him and trying to actually have conversations while texting and not just small talk. i normally just assume all men only want nudes or to talk about sexual things and i mean they do don’t get me wrong, but i noticed something. he messages back a lot faster when we are just talking about random things like him working or moving or what is the best way to fall asleep at night and maybe that’s just considered small talk. i normally try not to do that and i more like talking on the phone cause im not overly obsessing over every single thing i say. when your talking its more akward to take five minutes to say something rather then when you are texting someone

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why am i so mad

i may just be trying not to be so sad all the time but why am i getting mad at the people who love and support me. they arent trying to belittle me i do it to myself and then get so upset cause i think everyone thinks that way. i know that they dont with my logical brain but the bipolar side that takes majority of it really wants me to believe i can read peoples thoughts apparently. nobody can tell me that im wrong about how i think they feel about me. maybe i am going a little crazy

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why is it that sometimes i just want to ruin certian peoples lives it makes me feel so cruel but i mean i cant help it sometimes. who could look a 10 year old in the face and want to hurt them physically or mentally i just dont understand. how could someone look at their own daughter and choose drugs and force your other daughter to act like a mother when she deserves to be a child for a while longer. how could a father look into his 3 year old daughters eyes and say no thanks i have a new family now and give up all your rights. how could someone who watched you grow up try and get you drunk and use you for their own satisfaction. i trust you know what i mean i dont really want to type out the words

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too many storys

i have no idea what im doing or why i am sitting here ranting as if its gonna make anything better, at the end of the day im the stupid one who fell for my ex’s charade. i guess it just hurt that he really just ghosted me after i told him my mom had breast cancer i mean who does that seriously. i feel like im in an ironic ass movie and its not really all that funny. i have my ex worm his adorably annoying little face back into my life fuck me and fuck me over in the same day and then when i find out some really crappy news and just want to tell someone, anyone about it and i tell him. he tells me its too much to process and then never responds to me again. i dont know why im suprised i mean this asshole i am talking about almost got me raped cause he thought with his little adolescent mind that i wanted to fuck his friend while i was blackout drunk and had just told him i didnt want to fuck him but i guess thats a story for another day. i hate having so many storys. so many reasons to be mad at so many different people. i hate that people can be so cruel i guess i had hoped better for him i hoped that he had grown over the years

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my sweater

i want so bad to be wanted that i even put my feelings on my sleeves to see if anybody is interested and every time they get close they don’t care about my feelings on my sleeves they just want to know whats under the sweater entirely. for a long time i have to admit i was ok with that cause at least they were looking at me and not through me