I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink

[iamdougstanhope]

We need more murders that unite people.

Doug Stanhope

[iamdougstanhope]

I don’t like when minorities tell me that I can’t understand racism because I’m white. No, you can’t understand racism because you are not white. I hear the shit that they say about you, when you leave the room.

Doug Stanhope (via iamdougstanhope)

[iamdougstanhope]

If you think that your kid wasn’t gonna kill himself until I did the helium bit and he went: «Oh, shit, I’ve never thought about it until I heard that it’s as easy as helium. I thought that I had to buy a gun, that’s too hard in the UK. Oh, helium, good work. Look, I don’t even wanna hear the follow-up albums. I wanna show what a fan I am to Doug Stanhope». Do you know why your son is dead, Windy? YOU… MURDERED… YOUR SON. That's what you did, Windy, when you had that gumption to throw a child out into the world, you by default killed him. It could have been when he was 77 and you were conveniently in your grave while he was scrapping tumours out of his colon. You brought a person to the world that didn't want to fucking be here. You thought with all your love and adoration «Oh, he's gonna be happy» - HE WASN'T FUCKING HAPPY. AND YOU DID IT. YOU DID WHEN YOU SPREAD YOUR GAPING TWAT AND ALLOWED THAT FUCKING WORKMAN TO DUMP SEED IN IT. You fucking did it. And it is your fault. You fucking sit and ruminate on that. Windy from Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Newcastle-upon-your-son's-grave.

Doug Stanhope replying to an email from a mother whose son killed himself with helium.

[iamdougstanhope]

I’m sorry if this gets too depressing but… It gets worse. I know a lotta people come to see comedy to get away from their problems and I don’t have that kind of show. I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems and then I talk about other problems you didn’t even know you had until tonight. Then, I dump all my problems on top of that and you walk outta here ten times more depressed than when you even walked in. And that’s the only time I smile during the night.

(via iamdougstanhope)

[iamdougstanhope]

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is «Be a better lover». Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

Doug Stanhope (via iamdougstanhope)

[iamdougstanhope]

If you’ve made eugenics incentive based for people willing to sterilize themselves, offer some white trash prizes. Nascar pit pass, meet your favourite driver - all you gotta do is snip the sack. Year supply of Sunny Delight! You want some Sunny D don’t ya? All you gotta do is putty up that hole, lady. You still have two holes left to trick guys out to drinks at the bar.

Doug Stanhope (via iamdougstanhope)

[iamdougstanhope]

I would fuck Whitney Cummings if I could just change her act.

Doug Stanhope

[iamdougstanhope]

People say: «Oh, as a comic, wouldn't be great if Trump got elected? Cause you'd have so much material.» No, I would have entertainment.

Doug Stanhope

[iamdougstanhope]

If you want bullshit romance, all that stuff that your mom told you... equals love. «Oh, where is he gonna take you for your anniversary?» Actually, mom, we don't celebrate anniversaries because our relationship is strong enough that we don't have to rely on trivial dates, cuz we really do love each other. We actually love each other cuz we fucked early and quick and now our relationship isn't based around that. If you want that bullshit romance, you can have it... Fuckin «buy me a diamond» fuckin whore. If you take a diamond from a dude, you are a suspect fuckin whore. Two months salary on a diamond? If a guy offers you a diamond and you do anything short of openly mock him for wasting good money that you could put into something that meant something in your relationship... If he could afford to work for two solid months just to buy a shiny worthless object, wouldn't instead you prefer he take two months off of work just to hang out with you for free? Wouldnt that mean more? Maybe not...

Doug Stanhope

[iamdougstanhope]

I hear stories about mass killings and shooters and I aspire to that type of cowardice. And I always blame the victim too, because all those shootings always happen in places that suck dick. It is your fault for being in places that suck: work place shooting, school shooting, church shooting. You shouldn’t be there anyway.

(via iamdougstanhope)

[iamdougstanhope]

Obama is a cool fucking guy, there’s nothing fun to mock him about, but there’s no difference. «Oh, he’s gonna close Guantanamo» - well, that’s cute, we all will get a lot of friends and family back from that. He’s not addressing major problems, nobody is. He’s the first black President - is that progress? No, trivia, nothing but trivia. Is an individual progress? First black president, first midget bullfighter, first woman baseball player… That’s not advancing. There’s no difference in actual race relations. Mall security is still following you around the mall, prison gangs didn’t start aligning over astrology or favourite Jonas Brother.

Doug Stanhope (via iamdougstanhope)

[thewolveswithin]

Doug Stanhope ‏@DougStanhope

Paparazzi doesn’t want pics anymore once I’m at the party.

[sir-humphrey-appleby-deactivate]

200 killed today when athiest rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north. Said no reporter ever.

Doug Stanhope (via sir-humphrey-appleby)

[couldyoutalkfaster-deactivated2]

TKPWRET=cigarette

[forgottenbones]

Stanhope Jäger

[joharathejuggernaut]

They’ll legalize any drug so long as it keeps you producing. You kicking out enough boxes at the plant? Well, here you go. Whatever keeps you doing that, keeps you vaguely content sitting in a cubicle. Go ahead. FDA-approved. “I have a job where I alphabetize insurance forms for 45 hours a week, and I noticed I couldn’t concentrate so well in my job, so my doctor put me on Adderall, and now I can just breeze through my work day. I don’t even notice that my empty life is being pissed away underneath fluorescent tubes. I have no highs or lows. I have no good stories. But I’m getting a lot of stuff done. I’m probably the most boring person I know, but look at me produce.” You don’t need to take a pill for that. You’re not concentrating because that’s boring, and that’s a natural reaction to boring.

Doug Standhope, No Refunds (via joharathejuggernaut)

[dandickspft]