Strength of the Spear

Garrett/Garr. 28. Music/Audio Production major. Vocalist, guitarist, pianist. Writer, composer, lyricist. Gamer. Baker. Runner. He/him. INTJ (weak I/T)..

[iamthedyinglight]

I would gladly relive every bad experience I've had for the last 20 years if I could see my cat one more time

[iamthedyinglight]

Wish that the things I loved about myself weighed more than all the things that I hate about myself

[pyupa]

the two wolves inside me agree that excessive caffeine intake is the answer

[iamthedyinglight]

at work for the first time since what happened the other day and I was busy for awhile but now ive just been sitting alone and have to keep cutting myself off from bawling so instead I just feel nauseous very cool

[iamthedyinglight]

i miss You, goodbye

At times like these, like these I lament my growing apathy My growing atrophy

No longer can I find the terms The notes to chirp To reassure Your restless heart

I hesitate to fill this page How could I ever put into words My love and regret and my fear and relief Begging you remember me in your next world

My eyes burn My stomach turns My appetite matches yours There’s truly too much I could never express But it’s late, it’s too late to confess

And so I have no Refined prose to show Nothing to share but a few broken fingers Stretching out to comfort you Or am I only comforting myself? Did I ever even help?

Could I have given you more When you gave me so much? My love, or my time, or my blood? Anything, please, I’m too fragile to handle Losing you now, I’ll do better I promise Please Don’t leave me

One could say that I’m being dramatic But that doesn’t stop the tears when they rise to my eyes I bite through my lip, holding back for awhile But I can’t really lie, I feel dead inside

You won’t come back to me tomorrow But why can’t I go to you To everyone, I’ve lied I am not alright

Pulled through twenty years before you died My own little angel for half of my life I don’t want to cry I don’t want to say goodbye Goodbye Goodbye

-for Engel

[iamthedyinglight]

[iamthedyinglight]

Randomly thinkin' about all the times I fell really hard for someone but worked myself up so much that I was too nervous to ever say anything, versus the times I did and they turned out to be an abusive or manipulative sociopath (or just basic cruddy person). Wondering if I were less of an anxiety disaster if any in the former category would have actually worked out nicely and I'd have at least gotten a brief experience of a halfway decent relationship lol

[iamthedyinglight]

tfw you remember your login info

[iamthedyinglight]

it’s very exhausting when someone will like, immediate assume the most uncharitable and malicious intention from every little thing that happens

like you’re watching a show and there’s a small joke and they instantly extrapolate it to like, implying the worst of the worst crime or some shit and it’s like

okay yes on the one hand you raise a very serious topic that we as a society must address with an appropriate level of tact but at the same time

like why can you not just let tiny little meaningless harmless things be what they are and not like some secret subliminal brainwashing to sneak in monstrous content

like especially when there’s so much stuff that’s just like, upfront bad, is it not just horribly depressing to assume like i.e. this one little comment in a show that’s been 99% wholesome and cute is like some gross trash

i don’t mean for this to come across like i instantly write off this stuff 100% of the time, because i absolutely don’t, it’s just like... if you stem your reaction for a moment so your brain can catch up you may realize that it isn’t necessary to have this type of viewpoint on every single piece of content you consume. just like... pick your battles a little better i guess?

this isn’t really such a big deal i’ve just been thinking about it a little bit but my current main method of posting may or may not be followed by someone like this and it like, doesn’t bother me enough to upset them or argue i just needed to yell something into the void lol

[iamthedyinglight]

how do i take all of this horrible misery, this depression, this wanting to entirely no longer exist and turn it into something productive

anything at all literally the more time passes the more “ideas” i come up with and never follow through on and each one is another goddamn boulder weighing me down

[iamthedyinglight]

Tfw you see someone really cute and just wish you could hold hands 🙃

[iamthedyinglight]

or like, they’ll just feel really bad and i don’t want them to just FEEL BAD bc the moment’s already passed, that doesn’t fix anything? i can’t change that they ruined this experience and will never get an opportunity to watch it for the first time again, so what does telling them i’m upset even do? nothing at all?? then it’s pointless.

[iamthedyinglight]

i also hate that i am so upset over something like this and also hate that i won’t say anything about it bc while i am upset over it, it is something that i just inherently expect other people would not see as something worth getting so upset over and therefore won’t care i said so/would be confused i’m so upset in the first place

[iamthedyinglight]

i just always feel like a prick pointing out things that are obvious to me like “maybe this tense, gripping scene is not the time to be asking a totally irrelevant question and i should just enjoy the moment unfolding or at least avoid ruining the experience for others”

so many things that i view as like a common courtesy that i do that other people seem to have never considered might be an issue for other people and ignore + trample over constantly

[iamthedyinglight]

idk is it rude to tell your friends “hey maybe the movie would have made more sense to you if you didn’t talk over all of the important parts”?

[iamthedyinglight]

i guess on top of what i was already frustrated with i’m frustrated when someone’s response to not understanding a plot element right away is to instantly go “this is bad, this is stupid, i disagree, etc. etc.”

[iamthedyinglight]

me: pretty dead inside and never really ever exhibits any emotion of sadness in front of other people

me: shares a movie with friends that is very emotional

me: has a scene i have rewatched at least a dozen times that makes me tear up or straight up cry every single time

me: thinks “wow let’s see if this happens with other people around

my friend: literally talks over the part of the scene that is the biggest gut punch, misses what happens, and basically ruins the rest of the movie for me

i feel like i must be overreacting but i’m honestly really upset by this and it isn’t even the only time friends have ruined extremely emotional scenes while watching things so idk do i just never watch anything with other people ever?

they were complaining about other things in the movie earlier too (typos in the subtitles, problems with the writing) so like idk if they even liked it so i just feel like i’ll look like an idiot if i come out and say “hey this was one of my favorite scenes in this entire series and you kinda ruined it” bc idek if they give enough of a fuck that they would have cared anyway???