There are many aspects of my life that are up in the air. A few days ago I was writing in my journal, looking at previous entries the common theme is boys. LIKE WHAT! It was then I upset with myself. Why have men played such a huge role in my life, and controlling my happiness. Reflecting on my life I realized the root of this is not having my father in my life. I know many people live in a single parent household, but being a young woman of color its upsetting getting tagged with “daddy issues”. This stigma and meme isn't a joke, and thats the most frustrating part. Ive realized that growing up without a father I was in a constant search for approval, feeling like I was worth someones attention and love. This search soon turned into me accepting attention from any boy that would want me to sneak out for a late night hookup. I soon let that become good enough, like my worth was 30 minutes to an hour in the back of someones car. I felt so alone I became immune to what people would whisper about me, because after all.... it was attention (right?). I would constantly seek having multiple guys talk to me because this was what defines if I'm good enough. Before I realized it this became who I was, the girl that everyone talked about. But this wasn't me, I wasn't a “hoe” and everyone who was any friend knew this, I was just so desperate to get rid of the void my father left. When I found someone who finally saw past what people said I felt so ashamed of what I did I lied. These lies formulated into our relationship, I loved and love him still but I lied because I felt that if he knew then he wouldn't actually love me and think I was worthy of being loved. This made me think about if I can't be honest with the one person who wants to be with me, how am I able to keep a relationship. As this relationship progressed I realized I was constantly trying to please him, be everything he wanted. WHy!? Because I am so afraid to lose another man who I thought loved me. This is the issue that I need to start taking responsibility for. I can't continue to blame my dad thats not around. I instead need to take accountability for the fact I need to be ok alone, I dont need attention from guys who dont care about me, but I also dont need to be in a relationship where I feel that if I dont lie to him to make him happy I will love him. As Im figuring this all out I realized that my biggest goal, and aspect I need to work on is being secure with myself. There is so much negativity that is linked to being alone, but I admire and wish I could be like the people who are alone. Who are secure with themself, who love themself and thats enough. Being alone and happy is one of the most admirable things to me. As I continue to reflect on myself I hope that I won't look back years from now seeing myself deal with the same issues, but instead learn from my mistakes and grow. Wow I just looked up and there's a ton of venting, but hey I guess this is why Im doing this. Im hoping this will also help girls who relate to me know they aren't alone, you aren't crazy, nothings wrong with you, we’re all just figuring it out.
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