Its just me @icanfeelyouallaround - Tumblr Blog

mournfulroses

Fyodor Dostoevsky, from a letter featured in "Letters of Fyodor Michailovitch Dostoevsky to his Family & Friends,"

wordx

I want money and books

Hi.

I feel. Dark. Like Ive never seen the sun and my mind is lost because of it.

Does that make sense?

I can’t sleep. My mind doesn’t stop. My mind isn’t my own at the moment and it means it never quiets. A million different thoughts in the blink of a moment and I can’t quiet it.

I haven’t slept.

I’m trying to get better. To be better. Mostly because this is the part where everyone stops checking on you. They stop being concerned by your loss and just move forward and are wondering why you aren’t either.

My mind isn’t my own. It never quiets. It’s never silent. And now the grief is too much. The alone is too much. Every bad thought I ever had about myself is right at the front of my mind and all it does is circle.

It never quiets.

imposer

cyberxbattalion

kundalini33-deactivated20260510

Today, January 24th, I became an orphan. I’m not sure if it counts since I’m an adult but it feels like it counts. It feels monumental and like the kind of thing that changes a person.

I’ve missed him for days as he became this shell of himself. Someone who doesn’t recognize me, someone who was once strong as an ox no longer have the strength to do a simple movement like open his eyes. It’s devastating.

But I think in one last act of love, my dad spared me the shitty parts of caring for someone who is transitioning to the next life.

My dad was in no pain. He breathed on his own until his last breath. He required no clean up in the end. Just some assistance moving. My dad gave me a peaceful ending to his life.

And I feel immensely loved and seen for that gift.

Yesterday my dad whispered he loved me for the last time.