I'm In Pain

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[icantdothis]

How do you know you’re in love?

Is it the way you think about them every free moment you have? Is it the way just the thought of them makes you smile? Is it the elation you feel when you see them again?

I always thought love was bright and shining and loud. The feeling of fear when you think of your life without them. The feeling that you always want to talk to them.

But I think maybe it’s the comfort. The feeling of safety and home when you’re in their arms. The way you can sit in silence and not need to fill it. The waking up at night just to kiss and fall back asleep.

Love doesn’t have to be loud if the whisper is close to you.

[icantdothis]

There are signs of me everywhere in your home

From the drawer I keep to my toothbrush to the allergy medicine on the counter

I am everywhere if you know to look.

So how do you continue to hide us?

How do you welcome guests and pretend that I am not scattered amongst the objects?

If I light up your day like you always said

Then why am I a secret tucked away to be found?

[euesworld]

"Fall for me the way I fall for you and we'll both be hurling through space like falling stars.."

If you don't hug me right now, I will fling my body into the sun, haha - eUë

[icantdothis]

Sometimes, I think I don’t really want to die but rather I want to live in a different universe. I read so many stories of so many worlds where magic is real and people can do amazing things.

But more than that, the characters find their peace. They get to be happy or comfortable and then the story is over. There’s no more, no continual heartbreak or pain for them. The happy ending happens and that’s all.

Knowing that can never be how I get to exist is more painful than most other problems I deal with, I think. Knowing that I will never have that sense of satisfaction, that I’m always chasing the next thing. I don’t really think I want to die. I just don’t want to live like this.

[icantdothis]

Would you be happy to hear that you saved my life? That your loss is the only reason I still exist? Or would you think that the trade was unfair and that I wasn’t worth it?

[icantdothis]

There’s a trend going around with the quote “I think you might have accidentally saved my life.” Every time I hear it I think about how it feels like your life was traded for mine.

[icantdothis]

I’m tired of having the same thoughts over and over again.

[icantdothis]

I want to be in love.

I want to love someone so much I can’t wait to see them again, even when it’s just a day apart. I want someone to look for when I come home and someone to go places with. I want someone who I can share my life with.

I want to be loved.

[icantdothis]

I never got a chance to tell you, but you’re the reason I’m still alive. The growth of our families after you were gone, the bonding we shared, the pain I saw? I thought about ways to leave this world so many times and every time those memories were what stopped me. You were what stopped me.

Thank you.

[icantdothis]

I’m so frustrated with myself. I went back and read some messages we sent and I was... I was just so happy. And I wonder where that went, because I can’t imagine being in a place like that.

I don’t know what that means for me, but I just hope that I can remember how to be that person again.

[icantdothis]

I thought someone stood me up for an online date today. Which would be silly because we planned it yesterday, so what would be the point? I’m really scared that I might fall for this person though, my last heartbreak tore me apart for so long. I still feel it in my stomach if I think too hard about it. Maybe I’m not ready.

[icantdothis]

I visited the city you moved to today. I always wanted to live there, and maybe someday I will. But I can’t explain to you how hard it was to not try to contact you.

I looked around at everyone around me, hoping it would be you. Or maybe that it wouldn’t be. I saw someone I thought was you and my heart started racing. I don’t know what I would have done.

Maybe one day we can reconnect. One day after I’ve healed. I keep thinking I have but every time I’m in a situation like that, I’m reminded that I’m still a little thrown by what happened.

[icantdothis]

Listen, I don’t know much about love. All I know is what you taught me. You’re the only one I’ve ever really loved and I was absolutely heartbroken when we had to break it off.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. It’s been years since we’ve really talked, nothing has really reminded me of you recently. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this. I’d like to think it’s a goodbye, but honestly I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to completely leave you in the past.

[icantdothis]

I hope you’re happy

Just not like how you were with me I’m selfish I know

I can’t let you go

So find someone great but don’t find no one better

[icantdothis]

I hope you’re happy

I wish you all the best really

Say you love her baby l

Just not like you loved me

[icantdothis]

So I’ll go back to LA and the so called friends

Who’ll write books about me, if I ever make it

And wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles I’m faking

And the heart I know I’m breaking is my own.

[gaycommunist]

losing a friend (for the one that got away) 1/3

part 2 , part 3

@frenchtoastlesbian //personalmessage.blogspot.com // @linguinereid // trista mateer // unknown // richard siken // ocean vuong “on earth we’re briefly gorgeous”// unknown // unknown