Things are certainly popping. The change of seasons is creeping in, and it is officially my favorite time to be home! End of summer, heading into fall, brings us San Diegans our true local summer. The crowds have gone home, the ocean is still warm, and the sunsets are fire.
The family and I have just returned from Yosemite, where we spent the last 3 weeks connecting with friends and family, soaking up nature, unplugging, slowing down, staring at the stars, swimming in the lake, fishing off the dock, wakeboarding, drinking the most amazing Mexican mochas from Mountain Sage Coffee Shop, making dinner together, gawking at El Capitan for the umpteenth time, swimming in the Merced, and paddleboarding on the lake—Jacko even got on the SUP! Though chaotic and full of ups and downs, it was just our souls needed before the new school year.
It took me almost 40 years to visit Yosemite, and it's become one of my favorite places to take Kylo. It also brought me much joy to witness my dad, in his mid-70s, take in the view of the valley for the first time. It truly is a magical place, and anyone who has ever visited can't deny it. While in Yosemite, my baby boy turned 9, and my new song, "Kylo's OP," was released into the world a few days later. As I was reflecting, I realized that some of the lyrics in that song came to me when I was driving back from Yosemite last year:
Everything that you believe, has already planted a seed, wow
Watching it all come to be, apples not far from the tree, now
A little full-circle moment for you! Now that we're home and the kiddos are back to school, I am looking forward to diving back into the garden—literally and figuratively—and working on finishing up a bunch of new songs that have been marinating. This process has been such an interesting one. Many of the songs were born in a day and are about 75% complete, but the final pieces have yet to reveal themselves. Patience is the name of the game in this case, and it has been a good lesson for me to practice once again letting go and trusting the process. I know the songs will "get done" when they get done. It's taken this long, so what's another little bit? I know I can never force it and have always felt that I would rather let the inspiration hit naturally than try to force it. Sometimes it seems like songs are just waiting for one more experience that leads to a thought or bridge that ties it all together. For instance, I saw Krishna Das this past year with my mom, which inspired the line in "Kylo's OP": “Everything that you believe has already planted a seed.” That took almost a year to come after the initial birth of the song. Either way, I can tell you this: I am sitting on a lot of new music and exciting projects that I can't wait to share with you over the next year.
So far the last couple of months have brought us:
A most beautiful song i had the pleasure of joining my friend Leonardo Prakash on, Bobby My Friend: listen here!
And my latest release, Kylo’s OP, out now: listen here!
So many of you have asked me what the "OP" stands for. Here you go: When I first met Trevor Hall in person, he was traveling with a mini synth from Teenage Engineering called the OP-1. He shared that many of the samples on his album IN AND THROUGH THE BODY and the intro song “blue sky mind” were created on the OP-1. Intrigued, I bought one and started trying to figure out how to use it—though I still haven’t completely figured it out! Fast forward a couple months later i went to Trevors studio in Colorado for the first time, I brought my OP-1 hoping to get some hot tips.
In the meantime, I always take little field recordings on my phone while hiking or out with Kylo, thinking they might be cool to use someday in a song. In this case, I had a recording of Kylo ringing his bike bell in a tunnel, and also a reel of him saying “hey mom” a bunch of times. Story of a mom’s life, right? #HEYMOM! MOMMMMM!
In the process of trying to show me how to use the OP-1, Kylo’s OP was born, using the samples I had taken and then importing and manipulating them with the OP-1. Trevor titled the song “Kylo’s OP” as a placeholder, but it just kind of stuck. I was curious about what the OP in OP-1 stands for, and when I Googled it, I found that OP is short for Opus.
In music, the opus number is the "work number" assigned to a musical composition, or a set of compositions, to indicate the chronological order of the composer's publication of that work. Opus numbers are used to distinguish between compositions with similar titles; the word is abbreviated as "Op." for a single work.
It seemed appropriate, and kind of random but cool, to leave it as Kylo’s OP, being that it’s the first song with his little voice going out into the world for the first time. <3
It also made sense to me to release this as the first song in a long while, because these last 9 years have been dominated by being fully immersed in motherhood while simultaneously being pulled to create. When I realized this song is literally me trying to be a musician and a mother wrapped up in a song, it made me laugh. Mothers know—the minute you try to do something for yourself, it's like your little one senses it and suddenly needs your attention! This song is the marriage of the two, also reminding us to stay curious, childlike, and remember to tap into that purity and time in your life when you were younger and didn’t have the weight of the world and all its responsibilities on your shoulders.
Before we grew up, and had places and people to be.
Of course, this is what it means to me, but I’m always curious how it lands and what it means to the listener—so if you have any insights to share, I always love hearing them. :)
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the bounty of September, Virgo take-over, and the change of seasons in bloom.
Hello friends! It’s been a minute, I hope the summer has been treating you well. We have been busy with summer camps, playdates with friends, lots of gardening, cooking, and trying your stay cool in this San Diego humidity and heat, which as a native I never remember the weather being this hot or humid EVER growing up here as a kid!
On the music front, there is much to be excited for on the horizon. For starters, I just released a beautiful collaboration track, Bobby My Friend, with an artist by the name of Leo Prakash. We met down at Playa Del Carmen, last December at a Wanderlust Palmaia. Leo was there for the week accompanying the yoga classes with live music and i was sitting in for a song, during the end of my friend Schuyler Grants yoga class, for Shavasana. Leo is an insanely talented multi-instrumentalist from Mexico, but grew up part of his childhood living in an Ashram in France. I was immediately captivated with his Sitar playing. We ended up chatting after class, and exchanging info with the hopes of doing a collaboration in the future. He ended up sending me this beautiful song for his friend, the late Bobby Klein, and asked me if I would like to accompany him on it. I loved this song from the beginning, and it was also a much different style than anything I have previously done before. The song was just released a couple weeks ago, give it a listen, I love it so much.
Aside from that, I have some other exciting collabs coming out, as well as the new music I have been working on over the past 2-3 years co-written and produced by my friend (AND no biggie, one of my fav artists of all time!!!!), Trevor Hall. The first song of that project is set to drop at the end of this month. Stay tuned for deets and links coming soon! And definitely make sure you are following along on IG where I post the most, as well as following my artist profile on Spotify if you listen there, the song will also be released everywhere else music is available. I am so excited to share this new music with you all, it’s def a been a bit of an experimental sound and journey for me. But it has also re-awakened my creative process and flow. It feels unbound and intuitive and that in itself is exciting and inspiring.
I will keep it at that for now, many of you have expressed your fondness for the days when I wrote my Tumblr posts, so I will try to do more of that! These days are a lot different from the ones when we were in our 20’s, i was on tour, single, free and wild! But if you have any questions or topics you would like me to touch on, I would love to be sharing things that might be helpful and useful. I took a step back from social media for the last couple years, because I realize how bombarded i/we are everyday with unwanted thoughts, opinions, and just all kids of stuff flying our way. I would really love to be sharing things that nourish and support this community and inspire a loving, kind, but also keep it real kind of connection. Life seems to get so much busier in the 40’s! So if you have any thoughts on that, please let me know!
Sending love to all! Also, if you have reached out to get a bracelet and I haven’t responded, it’s because I literally haven’t had a moment to myself all summer with my kiddo not wanting to go to camp! Lol. I am planning to do another batch that will ship in September. I will email soon or email me again at [email protected]
I am super excited to share with you my new single "Letting Go"
(It will be available across all platforms for streaming and downloading on Friday, Jan 24th, 2020 at 12am EST/ Thursday, Jan 23rd, 2020 at 9pm.)
Until then, I invite you to enjoy this music video I made with my dear friend Ryan West, in my hometown of Encinitas, CA. Shot on a super 8 (real) film camera! I had a vision, Ryan was a yes, and the rest is history. He and his team made the making of this video so fun and effortless, and now I am so stoked to finally get to share it with you all! These days i'm learning to trust my gut, and follow it... things I wish I would have done, and fought more for when I was on a label. I felt strongly that having a visual would bring this song to life...I think it worked.
I know its been a minute...more like 6, 7 years... I've never been one to churn out songs for the sake of staying in the game, or whatever you want to call it. I try not to force myself to write anything, I tried that once and it was a disaster. All the songs that have ever ended up on my albums: good, bad, fan favorites, hits or not, have always come from the heart, they feel right. Like they belong. It's always been my experience, that songs come when they want. Sometimes it's many in a row, sometimes there is a dry season. For me it's merely being in alignment, and if I am lucky enough to capture a phrase, a moment, a feeling and let it move through me, out of my head and into song... well, that's the magic of what drew me to becoming an artist in the first place.
I honestly didn't anticipate taking such a long break, and if i'm being honest, I even caught myself falling out of love with music a couple times. I started exploring some other interests, I got super into health and wellness and plant based eating. I went back to school to become a health coach, and I even coached a bunch of clients while I was at it, which was super fun and a nice change of scenery. I took up snowboarding, something I always wanted to learn, but never did when I was actively on tour, terrified I would injure my hands. And then one day last year, in between two snowboarding trips, I was in LA for one day, and I called up my friend Steven Solomon to see if he was around and wanted to write. He was free, I went to his house, and this song just came out..literally out of nowhere. I cried my way through the entire thing, tissue box after tissue box. I knew at the end of it, we had written something very special.
When I put out Back To Home (2014), I had just gotten married. I literally got married (August 2014), went on my honeymoon (September 2014), came home, relocated to LA for 2 months to record (Sept/Oct 2014), put out a new EP (October 2014) and went on tour (Nov/Dec 2014). Then I came home for the holidays and found out I was pregnant. Kylo was born August of 2015, and by 2017 Kylo's dad and I decided we were going to separate. Our relationship was a whirlwind: we met, 8 months later engaged, 8 months later got married and 4 months later found out we were having a baby. It was a lot, in a short amount of time, in my experience we just were still getting to know each other, and figure out our relationship, and there was just too much, too soon, too fast. I found myself unable to handle it all. I do not regret any of it, it has all led me to right here, right now. It led me to becoming a mother. Honestly, it has led me to a better, more honest, authentic, version of myself. I know by now, when the shit hits the fan, there is a tremendous opportunity for growth and healing. I assumed when Kylo was born, i'd be back on tour within 6 months, writing songs, putting out albums..and boy was I wrong. I don't even know how to describe but I just feel like I lost myself. And eventually I knew this relationship I was in, I could no longer be in, even though the person I was in it with, was and still is one of the most amazing humans ever. It's a very conflicting feeling, when you know you can no longer stay in something, with someone, but also that nothing necessarily bad happened. What's that saying? Two people can be great, but not so great together. Our relationship works much better in the current dynamic: co-parenting and friends. I am proud of us for the many hours, nearly a year, of therapy we did to process the undoing of our relationship (Shout out to IMAGO therapy). I feel so lucky I had a partner who was willing, and brave enough to do the work with me, to identity our woundings and where we needed healing, I am forever grateful that we could split peacefully and really with the intention of putting our own shit aside and doing whatever was best for our son. I don't take for granted the fact that we can still be friends and look out for one another, we will always be a family. I know this sort of thing is rare, and I know it isn't possible for everyone, but I wanted to share because it was possible for us, which means it is possible. It is so against everything we are taught, but you can end a relationship respectfully, out of love, with compassion and kindness for one another.
After the divorce, I took a lot of time for myself. I started going to yoga regularly, surfing more often, meditating every day, drinking less, simplifying, spending more time outside, in nature, with Kylo... I slowly came back to myself, my center and I started to find music again. I knew I would write a song about everything that had happened, but I didn't know when or how. It's not like someone cheated or lied, or there was some massive fight. I started experimenting with new sounds, different vibes, but it always felt like I was avoiding the elephant in the room. Then that day came, mid Feb 2019. Letting Go was born, and it puts into words everything I didn't know how to say. This is a song about love, honesty, trusting yourself, and honoring all the precious moments with the ones we love.
I hope you find some peace in it, some closure, some hope, I hope you can feel the love. Thank you for listening, it means a lot.
“Love is not a relationship, love is a commitment... to love. So that if the relationship ends, the love can still remain.”
It is out of much contemplation, time, energy, tears, marathon therapy sessions, stripping down and getting real with our own shit, getting real with each other’s shit, stretching and reaching into all the uncomfortable spaces, sitting in the fire of our feelings and thoughts, our dreams and vulnerabilities, our triggers, and fears, our weakness and strengths, all the while holding space for each other’s journey, that Bill and I have decided to end our relationship as a romantic, married couple, and consciously uncouple. This decision was made some time ago, and now felt like the right time to share it.
That said...we will always be a family, our vows remain true now and forever. We are moving forward as best friends, co-parents, and with our hearts full of love. This relationship has allowed us both so much space to explore, learn, and grow, but most of all expand our capacity to love. I am a better human, and mother because of the last 5 years with Bill, and for that, i will always be grateful.
As we move forward into this chapter, we shed the skin of our old relationship and remain open to the idea that this new relationship could be even more special, significant and meaningful than the one we thought we were originally signing up for. It took that other relationship to get to this one, just as it took both of us for Kylo to be here. Sometimes things don’t make sense at the time, you just have to trust it’s all rigged in your favor and ride the wave.
Someone once told me: We don’t choose who we love, or why, or for how long, or the circumstances for which we are brought together. That is the magic and mystery of the universe. But, we can always choose to love one another. We can choose to rise above the chitter chatter in our minds, the fear, the doubts, and we can update the OS and act from a higher consciousness. We can choose to see things in a positive light. We can be respectful. We can love unconditionally. We can offer kindness. We can forgive. We can make peace. Take the lessons, and let them shower us with gifts of guidance and wisdom. We can choose to start over again, and we can even choose to support each other in that process.
There is no good guy, or bad guy in our scenario. No villain, or victim. Simply put: We just realized we work much better as friends and parents, than husband and wife. Ever since we moved in this direction we have been much closer, happier, peaceful, supportive and loving towards one another, and ultimately, all of that energy benefits our son, Kylo. We have so much to be grateful for, and we are choosing to focus on what we do have in this very moment, rather than what was or could have been. My life has been filled with so much love, so much joy & happiness because of my boys, so rather than mourn the end of something, i would rather celebrate all that we have created and experienced.
Thank you for allowing me the space to share all of this. I have been waiting for the right time and that time feels like now. It feels almost stupid to share this, given the state of the world right now. But maybe somewhere, someone will read this and feel a little less alone, a little less scared, or a bit more brave to speak up for what their heart is telling them. I know this news might come as a shock to most of you, but I can assure you, we have been working through this for quite some time with lots of support surrounding us.
A lot of people ask me to post recipes, and I always say I will, but then I never do... I think this is partly because for some of my most favorite things I make regularly, I don’t follow a recipe, so its hard to know the correct measurements. That being said, I got a lot of comments asking to post the recipe for the kale salad I shared on Instagram yesterday, so here goes!
You can use any kale: curly, flat, baby, Russian, red, whatever floats your boat. I actually just did a quick google search on types of kale and found this:
“Avoid curly and red kale in dishes where the green is served raw, as their heartier texture can be unpleasantly toothsome, even after ribboning or massaging. Dinosaur kale, also know as lacinato or Tuscan kale, is more tender than curly and red kale, making it a good candidate for raw and shortly cooked dishes.”
So there ya go! I usually wash all my veggies in fruit and veg wash (I like the Thieves fruit & veg wash from Young Living, Honest makes a good one too, most markets probably carry a good natural one as well) Most people don’t know this, but most organic produce is still sprayed with some type of pesticide, its just usually a more natural one. But you don’t want to be ingesting a bunch of copper, so its important to wash all fruit and veg, regardless of whether or not is or organic or not.
I like give my kale a quick rinse, then let it soak in a bowl with fruit and veg wash for at least 10 minutes, then transfer to a colander and give it a good rinse.
I like to remove the kale leaves from the stalk, because I don’t like chunks of hard stalk in my salad. If you start at the end of the kale where the stalk is the thickest, you can peel back the kale at that end, and then kind of strip the stalk of the rest of the kale, by holding the stalk with 2 fingers and then making a loose grip fist and just strip it off. From there i usually tear or cut the kale into bit size piece, and then add to a bowl, where I sprinkle with some sea salt. This starts to break down the kale and makes it soft. When I have all the kale in the bowl, I add some olive oil, alternatively you can use sesame oil. And then a squeeze of lemon juice. Now it is time to manage your kale. You just stick your hands in that bowl, and you massage the kale, and you will see right before your eyes how it turns bright green as it starts to soften. The amount of kale will shrink as it breaks down. For a group I will use 1- 2 bunches of kale, for just me, I use 1/2 a bunch. For the family, usually 1 bunch is enough.
After the kale is nice and soft, I like to do a little taste test and add more pink sea salt if need be, or more lemon juice, more olive oil, etc.. Now you have the perfect canvas for whatever you are craving!
I love adding nutritional yeast (like a lot! so it becomes super “cheesy”), hemp seeds, pumpkin seeds, alternatively you can use lime juice instead of lemon juice which is a totally addicting refreshing combo with the kale. I usually add diced avocado and some times cherry tomatoes. You could totally bake up some Gardein fake chicken fingers, slice em and put them on top, or do a nice hunk of grilled wild salmon, or some rotisserie chicken. You could also add fresh parmesan, cucumbers, sesame seeds, quinoa, garbanzo beans, etc... Seriously the world is your kale oyster!
This is one of my favorite salads to make and its soo easy. I love this salad with just about everything. Sometimes I just add whatever is in the fridge. Its very versatile and a great yummy way to get your greens. Seriously on tour we make this in one of those plastic produce bags and its delicious. As long as you get the kale coated with some olive oil and sea salt you are good to go!
For general reference, you will need:
-1 bunch of kale
-1 pinch of salt (preferably Himalayan pink sea salt)
-Oil of your choice: Olive, sesame, etc.. for drizzling just enough to coat the kale
-Lemon or lime juice (I usually do 1/4, but just depends on how much salad you are making)
Some homemade sourdough croutons would be delicious in this too!
Hope this all makes sense, enjoy + have fun!
-T
PS. If you have a dehydrator, this is my all time favorite cheezy kale chip recipe, been making this one for years!
A kale bouquet given to me on tour! Now you're speakin’ my language...
Making a Kale salad backstage in a dressing room somewhere in Florida
Kale salad made with kale from my garden, I am so in love with these FoodMap containers we have on our balcony! Perfect for growing a little garden if you have limited space! I topped this kale salad with nutritional yeast, hemp seeds, avocado, cherry tomatoes & dulse. YUM!
I've had a lot of cravings during my pregnancy, especially in the am, when I wake up famished and starving! This little plate has easily become one of my most favorite breakfast-y things to make. It's fast, and super easy and full of lots of good things to start your day off right! 1 gluten free waffle toasted in toaster (I like the Natures Path Organic brand) 1/2 banana mashed 1 spoonful of raw almond butter 1 dollup of sheeps milk Greek Yogurt 1 sprinkle of chia seed or ground chia seed 1 sprinkle of flax seed or ground flax seed Handful of berries ( I like blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries... whatever is in season, looks good and is organic) Optional: A drizzle of Grade B pure maple syrup (more nutrients than Grade A) Yum!
PS. I wrote this heading back from Bottle Rock on Monday June 1st, but I just finished it today :)
We are headed back from Napa, what a great weekend it was! It seems like it was just yesterday when it felt like BottleRock was months away, and then just like that, it came and went.
I’ve always been so excited at the thought of performing pregnant, and I couldn’t think of a better place to be on stage, with a big ‘ol belly, than beautiful Napa. It’s become one of my favorite destinations. It seems like we have played more shows there, than anywhere else this past year. The wine is always delicious, the food is incredible, the people are welcoming, and the town is charming. This time of year in Napa is my favorite, it’s warm enough in the day for a sundress and cool enough at night for a cozy fire or relaxing bath. Napa will always hold a special place in my heart, I have a lot of great memories from there, and have met some truly lovely people.
I’d like to give a huge shoutout/thank you to my band and crew this weekend. I am usually pretty hands on with loading gear and setting up, but being nearly 7 months pregnant has definitely made it harder to move around/lift heavy objects. These guys ALWAYS have my back and I feel so lucky to have such a bad ass band, who are also top notch human beings that I am proud to call friends, they really do feel like family. We’ve spent so much time together over the last couple years and grown so close, these guys are like brothers to me, and I love the shit outta them.
Also gotta give a big shout out to my hubby Bill, who has taken on photography like a boss man. (Attached are some pics he took below.) I enjoy seeing him pop up during the show in various locations, one minute he’s at the sound board and he next he’s up in the pit. He’s such a stud muffin, and he’s always so nice with all my fans too :)
Speaking of fans, you guys were on fire yesterday! Singing and dancing your cute little buns off, and even when I forgot the words to Say Anything (in true pregnant lady fashion) you just kept cheering me on. You have always allowed me to be me, in which ever way that is. Sometimes I feel goofy on stage, sometimes I feel like a bad ass, other times I feel like a super space cadet, or dorky, and clumsy…but either way, whichever way, you’ve always welcomed me with open arms and I’ve always felt extremely grateful for that. I’ve never been good at being a perfectionist, some people are, but I’ve never been able to master that character trait.
Highlight of this weekend was when Snoop Dog asked me how the baby was doing… I was dying to ask for a pic, but I’m such a chicken, I also kept seeing the girl from Echosmith running around just as cute as can be. I ran into my old friend Brett Dennen. That guy is the calmest, cruziest, vibiest man ever. Have you checked out his Instagram lately? He’s on a watercolor tear, so many beautiful paintings. His set was so great, everyone was dancing and smiling, as the sun was setting.
If you are headed to Napa anytime soon, you must visit Miner Winery, and Vice Versa is also darling! Go to Redd Wood for dinner, and Bouchon for an amazing little pastry treat and coffee for breakfast in Yountville. Bistro Jeanty is also delicious and the Cashew Kale Salad from R+D Kitchen is delish. My other must, and by must I really mean MUST, is Graces Table. Best fish tacos I have ever had, ever, ever, ever. (I gotta thank Josh Radin for turning me on to that one.)
I have one more show this year, and that is going to be at Copley Symphony Hall in San Diego, CA on June 12th with John Legend. We will be performing in support of Forte for Children, a Sound United & Directed Charitable Foundation. Forte was established “To improve the quality of life for disadvantaged children in the communities in which we do business with an emphasis on music education and therapy.” I’m really looking forward to that one. Getting to play a show with John Legend is a dream come true, and getting to play in support of a charity that benefits kids, with a kid on the way, just seems to make a whole lot of sense.
Music was such a big part of my childhood. My first memory of someone singing to me was my kindergarten teacher singing and playing guitar before nap time. My elementary school Solana Highlands had a wonderful music program, I played the clarinet… Mrs. Lloyd was our music teacher, and I’m pretty sure she never picked up on the fact that I never learned to read the music. I would just memorize my parts instead, pretending to read the music and turning the page when my peers did… whoops. Music has been such a blessing in my life, I was never good at math or science… I’ve alway gravitated to the more creative subjects. Had their been no English, creative writing, video, cooking, art or music courses… I surely would have failed school altogether. The only way I got through math and science was with a tutor, all 4 years of high school.
I feel extremely lucky that a career in music was an option for me. It’s something I feel good at, most of the time ;) And its something I enjoy working hard at, to be better at. There’s no ceiling in music, no end all be all of mastering it. There’s always new things to learn, instruments to explore, new ways to write a song, things to be inspired by. I also love that it’s art, so there is no right or wrong so to speak. It can be created and interpreted a thousand different ways. Music is how I make sense of life. It’s constantly bubbling inside me.
I wish we had more shows coming up, but I have chosen to take this time to enjoy being home, nest, read, slow downnnn, way downnnn….rub my belly and research all this baby gear! There is so much ridiculous baby gear, it’s insane, I’m just trying not to buy a thousand things we won’t ever end up needing or using. Simplicity is key, right?
Slowing down is something that’s always been hard for me. Taking a break from music, it’s always been hard for me. Even in the midst of the break, I am so antsy. This whole thing has been a great lesson for me. I know it’s exactly what I need to be doing. I know there will come a time when the songs come, the writing starts, the music arrives, the studio, the next album, the tour, the press, the travel and so forth, and I try not to worry about it too much. I know this time right now will go by so quickly, its important to embrace it and enjoy it as much as possible.
But in the meantime, I am so happy to get to have a couple shows in the mix. I feel so alive on stage, and it will be pretty cool to show our son a picture of his mama on stage, when she was pregnant with him.
Well thats about it for now. Just wanted to write a little update. Hope everyone is doing great. I have been posting like a champ on Instagram; Food, baby stuff, clean makeup & skin care products, work out tips, tricks, and beyond..and lots of donuts lately… (Happy National Donut Day by the way!) I am sure I have lost most of my male audience by now, I dont post nearly as many beer shots as I used to..haha. But, I have really enjoyed connecting with you, and other pregnant mamas, and hearing about your stories and your journeys. I love that this community is so keen on sharing and helping each other out. It’s one I am very proud to be apart of!
Married life, baby life & what that means for everything else I have ever known in life...
***Notes from Trizzles:
I wrote this blog a month ago, and in true baby brain mode…I forgot to post it. Then yesterday while reading Ina May’s Guide To Childbirth & eating waffle fries by the pool, I remembered. Since I wrote this blog, I have totally gone back and forth with the creative process. I convinced myself that I would be creative during pregnancy, lets be honest...i was practically forcing myself to be, but after a writing session a couple weeks ago that resulted in a horrible song in which nobody will ever hear, I came to the conclusion that creativity just isn’t in my cards right now…at least musically speaking. But thanks to an Instagram post about this, my fans helped me realize: While I may not be creating in the musical sense, I am creating a baby, in my belly, from scratch. And that may very well be one of the most creative things I will ever do in my entire life. I guess I was feeling guilty because I had just signed on with a new manager, as well as Kobalt music (which does everything from manage my publishing, to set up co-writes with other artist, as well as places music in TV and film), I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. It’s like getting hired for a new job, and then taking a leave absence before you even accomplish anything. It felt wrong to me. But the one thing that that I have learned about myself, when it comes to all this music stuff, is that I am not a machine. Some people can churn out song after song after song, really good songs too, and I admire that a whole lot, but that is not me. And that is not my goal as a musician. My goal is just to write about whatever it is I am feeling, because writing always has and will be a necessary way for me to cope with my emotions and feelings. Luckily, everyone on my new team completely understood where I was coming from. I think they were just waiting for me to be honest with myself, so I could be honest with them. Sometimes we end up being the ones who put the most pressure on ourselves. Now that I have sorted all of that out, I have been a lot less stressed and more able to enjoy my pregnancy, quality time with husband and taking care of my myself. And I have actually picked up the guitar and been singing more, because I want to, not because I think thats what I should be doing. If you are anything like me, and always put others first/care about what others think, and rarely remember to take care of you, IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!, according to you, no matter who or what anyone else says or thinks. xx TP
Alright...so its been a minute since I have been in blog mode. Is it weird to say, I just haven’t been “craving” it? I am all about tuning into the cravings of life lately…From food, to friends, to music, to life, how I spend my time, it's all about the craving and what will satisfy me most in the moment. Maybe thats just pregnancy talking? Yep, I’m knocked up! 4-1/2 months along, and truly loving every minute of it.
Tour ended in early December and I had a sneaky suspicion that I might be pregnant. But then again, every month i think i'm pregnant. My husband usually rolls his eyes at me, as I start getting lost in the ‘What ifs!?'. Right after we got home, we moved into a new house and in the midst of getting settled, I decided it would be great idea to have my parents and extended family over and cook for Christmas. One of my favorite parts about the holidays is catching up with family, and bonus: my cousin works at a winery, and her husband is going to school to be a sommelier. Needless to say, they always bring the best wine....but I couldn't help thinking, "Maybe I'm pregnant!"
Low and behold the day after the christmas, the pregnancy tests arrived from Amazon and bam: 2 pink lines…another test…2 pink lines. HOLY SHIT. My husband had gone across the street to talk to our new neighbors, to which I texted him: Umm...you may want to come back over here, NOW!"
If you haven't already picked up on it, we are go-go-going non-stop. We got married in August, honeymooned in early September, I was in the studio making a new EP in late September & was on the east coast by the end of October to start a 6 week tour.
We had come home looking forward to spending some much needed newlywed quality time, and then surprise! We're having a baby. (Pregnancy has actually allowed us to slow down a lot more than we thought).
We had been joking just days before about how the only thing we hadn't accomplished in 2014 was making a human.
The universe has a very funny sense of humor, doesn't it?
I've always dreamed of being pregnant, but now actually being pregnant... it totally took a couple weeks for this all to sink in.
I would stand in the mirror and stare at my belly + body...knowing it would be about to embark on one of the most life changing, beautiful journeys of all time.
I started to think about my health, my body, my priorities.
My career: I just signed with a new manager and I wondered how this would affect the future. Would this new manager not want to work with me anymore? What will having a child change? Besides probably everything.
On the other hand, I felt extremely lucky that I decided to make a new EP, and to go on tour. If I had chosen to just wait till the new year, I think I'd be in a bit of a panic right now. Looking back I had many doubts about putting out a new EP without a label and proper promotion, and going on tour without management, trying to coordinate and book all the logistics myself. But I knew it was what I needed to do. I had a feeling, and this is the kind of thing that happens in my life. I have these intuitive notions that sometimes don't make sense at the time, or seem impossible or difficult... but in the long run it all works out, I just have to trust. It's almost as if the universe knew this little baby boy had already chosen us, and that the new album and tour needed to happen then and now.
It's been this way my whole life. Taking a risk when it doesn't make sense. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Listening to my intuition has never let me down, even when it leads to heartbreak, or betrayal or sadness... even then, it has a purpose.
Luckily, my new manager was psyched beyond belief that we were having a kid, he assured me that none of this would affect my career. "Look at Beyonce's career after having a kid! It's on fire! I have a feeling your next record will be the best one yet!" "Really?!" I asked. "Yes, enjoy your pregnancy, if you feel inspired to write, then write, if not, then don't...you only be pregnant with your first child once." I can't tell you how much peace of mind that brought.
Someone recently left a comment on one of my Instagram posts that said. "Is this the end of your career? Touring with a kid isn't easy or cheap...Sorry but even the mega pop stars struggle with it and they have millions thrown at them to tour and make records..."
I can tell you this much: I will never end my career because touring with a kid is HARD or EXPENSIVE. I have never let anything or anyone get in the way of a vision or dream. I don't know how having a baby will affect my life or career for that matter, until the baby arrives. Just as I didn't know how being married would affect my life, until I was married. I try to always do what makes me happy, and figure out the rest when the time comes.
Was I scared that I would have a writers block? Absolutely! Was I scared I wouldn't know what or how to write, now that I was happy? Fuck yes I was. Am I scared that maybe I won't pick up a guitar and write a single thing for a year because I am so in love with this little guy? Of course. And if that's how it goes, that's how it goes. Figure it out when the time comes, but in the meantime no sense in developing a whole bunch of unnecessary fears around something that is so beautiful & joyful.
Every time I realize I have a fear about something, shortly thereafter I hear this little voice in my head say: You're scared... you know what that means... you gotta dive in.
I'm so used to it by now, and it never stops. There will always be things in your life that are scary, or challenging, or take hard work and dedication... and on the other side of those experiences are some of the most rewarding things that will ever happen to you. Fear never gets you anywhere. And, as my friend Tricia Huffman says: Fuck Your Fears!
I'd say to myself: I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be married. I deserve to be in a healthy relationship, sure it takes work and effort, but that makes me a better person and helps me continue to grow. I deserve to write happy songs, love songs! I deserve to love and be loved. I deserve to follow and honor my path despite what others think I should or shouldn't be doing.
After all, you only end up with who or what you think you deserve.
I've been a people pleaser my whole life, but over the last couple months and with the encouragement of my husband, I've learned to really slow down and just do what I want. Really ask myself, "What will truly make you happy right now?" I always feel like I should be practicing my songs or spending more time writing new material, and my husband will ask, "What do you really want to do be doing?" And I will say, "Surf, I'd really rather go surfing with my dad right now..." and he will say, "then you should go surf!" It's so simple, but it's hard when you think you should be doing something else or because that's what everyone probably thinks you do all day, or because that's what it takes to stay good or whatever... F that. Life is short. Do what makes you happy, have your own process, dare to be different. Such a cliche, but it's so true.
Mostly these days, I just stare deep into my husbands eyes and thank my lucky stars for this amazingly loving partner that came into my life, who I get to love so much, who lets me love him so much, who showed me what I deserved and so much more...and who's so much better than I am at math and science combined, for when the kids need help with school. Lol.
So far pregnancy has been pretty great. In the first trimester I was super tired and actually napped, which I never do. But it would seriously feel like I had run a marathon, when in reality I had just gone up and down the stairs a couple times... I never got any morning sickness and was only ever nauseous once at an early morning cooking class. I did get super cranky and freak the fuck out on my husband a couple times (sorry honey, hormones...) And, I've definitely had some weird cravings: Bubbies pickles (http://www.bubbies.com), tuna sandwiches, artichokes, baked potatoes, tater tots, twice backed sweet potatoes (that was a very specific one), steel cut oatmeal, american cheese, cocoa puffs, root beer, shredded lettuce, crisp apples with almond butter and so far the only smells i cannot stand are Honey Nut Cheerios and grilled red onions! I’m a vegetarian and have continues that throughout this pregnancy, with the exception of grilled salmon, shrimp, and the occasional tuna fish sandwich (no albacore, pole & line, organic, sustainable, yada yada...so as to be mindful of my mercury intake) I haven’t missed/craved any meat at all, and my levels are as healthy as can be.
Now that I'm in my 2nd trimester (Seriously, where does the time go?) things are feeling pretty much back to normal. I have a little bump starting to show, when i eat it really comes out! For the most part, I literally have days where I forget I am pregnant. I'm still doing warm yoga, barre class and training with my trainer once a week. My boobs are huge, my pants are getting tighter and I feel like a little kid… To be honest, I have never felt more free, more myself, and as comfortable in my skin, as I do now.
I cannot wait to write more blogs, and share my journey of pregnancy with you. It reminds me a lot of when I was recording my first album, everything was fresh and new. The months, days and experiences that lay ahead were all firsts, and that’s what I am most excited about. To once again become the beginner.
Thanks so much for reading and sorry it took me so long to blog again! Hopefully it won't be too long before the next post :)
Lots of love & light,
TPM
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