Fuck My Life

[dyingroses]

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood + text posts and stuff

[phantomrose96]

First season of FMA:B is actually unreasonably funny because every episode at the 2 minute mark Ed goes “remember Al we can’t let anyone know our bodies are metal and we committed human transmutation. Because the military will probably execute us” and then every episode at the 14 minute mark Ed is screaming at the top of his lungs about how he and Al are made of metal and committed human transmutation. And also the President of the Military is there smiling and nodding and not giving a fuck because Ed is the military’s specialist little boy and he’s expressly permitted to commit murder in the streets and do arson and treason and tax evasion if he’s got enough hands for it and that’s completely fine because, as previously stated, he’s their specialist little sacrifice boy.

[bearcosmic]

Dick: No. I refuse, get somebody else to do it.

Tim: Dick, no one else is even in the running. please be so fr right now

Damian: What are you arguing about?

Dick: Damian! Damian can do it! He’d be great at it.

Tim: No, Damian’s gonna follow his paternal grandfathers lead and be a doctor. Everyone only has to take on ONE element of Bruce. Try again

Jason: They are arguing about which one of us should be the newest representative for the Justice League for when Bruce finally conks it.

Damian: That would be an honor no? Richard you would be a competent ruler.

Cas: Leader

Damian: Whatever. I assume Timothy will be taking on WE in the event of father’s passing, so wouldn’t Jason also be in the running?

Tim: No i called dibs on Jason

Jason: What? What are you talking about. You can’t call dibs on me. What if I want to run the Justice League?

Tim: You don’t. You are going to run the Wayne foundation. Take from the rich give to the poor. Modern day Robin Hood—Very on brand for you. Don’t worry I have the contracts and everything ready.

Jason: …

Jason: Ok deal. Sorry Dickie, looks like your going to rule the interplanetary alliance :P

Dick: I don’t wanna!

Tim: What, do you wanna switch?

Dick: Well, no—

Tim: Also you’re the only one that makes sense.

Dick: I’ll do anything else, please that’s too much responsibility.

Tim: Okay. Be Batman.

Dick: …

Dick: Yea never mind. Running the Justice League won’t be that hard.

Damian: Wait so who will be Batman?

Cass: Dibs

Damian, Tim, Jason, Dick: Fair

Bruce, who’s been sitting at the dining room table with them the whole time: Are you done dividing my assets and responsibilities between yourselves now? Can we eat our dinner?

[bebx]

I’ll always be a proud bottom Hwang In-ho enjoyer

[mullet-meltdown]

My favorite klance quotes from various fanfics

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[red-plutoo]

Can u tell me more about ur trans Tim hcs 🥺

Trans Tim is so dear to me of course I can anon

I’m almost 100% certain he did not tell Bruce, baby Tim thought “there’s no way he’d let Robin be a girl, and he definitely needs Robin” and then lied to Bruce, he only realised he was trans after about a month of being called a boy and realising he was the happiest he’d ever been

By extension non of the other bats know, expect for the girls because they made all the boys do a period cramp simulation and Tim was the only one not on the floor sobbing, so Cass figured it out and shared that information (Steph knew before hand. She helped with his first hair cut. It looked like shit)

He also deadass just gaslit his parents, he does not know how that worked but he made them believe he was always a boy and just a feminin child

He never actually intended to be called Tim, he was using the Alvin name in his everyday life and using Tim with Bruce so he was harder to track down and that spiralled into everyone calling him Tim, initially he hated it but then realised he was not an Alvin.

During his time as Robin every time he got his period on patrol he’d go looking for Selina, ivy, or Harley, because they’re girls girls and helped no strings attached and also like hiding things from Bruce since it’s funny so he wouldn’t get snitched on

On a vaguely similar note Selina keeps track of how long Tim had been wearing his binder for and has tackled him more than once to get him to take it off because if Bruce isn’t there to be a overprotective parent she can Step up

Kon and Bernard both did not know when he started dating them and he managed to hide his being trans for a decently long time because he was worried about how they’d react and then they were both like “even better 🥰🥰“ as soon as he told them, Kon called it the cat distribution system

And I can’t think of any more off the top of my head

[orangepanic]

Every time AO3 blows through their fundraising goals in less than 24 hours an angel gets its wings.

[carnicer01]

Dumb sketch for today

[drarry]

Imagine being the gays at a pride event in 2004 living their lives when someone grabs the microphone and announces to the room that Ronald Reagan was pronounced dead. Can you even imagine the hype, the celebration, the pure elation

[drarry]

This is the Pride Month that It will happen. I feel it in my gay bones

[broken-horn-of-equius]

[rue-x3]

Kept thinking about this stupidly silly au

More snippets:

SJ, pointing to an illustration of a witch flying on a broom: I need this

SY: Why

SJ: Look at the picture you dumb lizard

SY: Yeah but that's foreign stuff, broom riding isn't even that fashionable

SJ: You know how to broom ride?

SY: What don't I know?

SJ: How to properly raise a child

SY: Touché

SJ: What does that mean

SY: I don't know actually

--

YQY: What are your intentions with Xiao Jiu?!

SY: What intentions should I have

YQY, stumped: ...

SY: Anyways how long are you staying?

YQY: What, I'm not leaving Xiao-Jiu!

SY: Okay, we might have to move to a bigger tower. This one's only supposed to fit one

YQY: Wait what

SY: I'll take care of your food, but don't bring any more strays with you.

--

SQH, who's visiting: Oh you've finally decided to interact with humans

SY: Well, no. I killed that old dragon guy—hua something—and they thought I was him and dumped a child on me. This and your weird obedience fetish with your human are two different things.

SQH: You have TWO? I don't think I could handle any more of my king.. Interacting with humans period is a fetish thing, stop trying to shame me for my interests when you do the same

SY: Well that's because you work for him. Plus, neither of them are human. You getting lashed by your human and me getting books for mine are not the same thing, are you mentally ill?

SJ & YQY perking up in interest: ?

SQH peeking his eye in the window: ...?

YQY, who bares his sword in surprise: !

SY: They're both gays

SQH: Oh what, I forgot that was a thing... Do you think my king is also a gay

SJ: What the actual hell are the both of you talking about

YQY, who is extremely confused but not opposed to the thought of being in a relationship with Shen Jiu: ...

SY: You are a gay aren't you?

SQH, who's watching from the sidelines: Yeah, you certainly look like one

SJ: What? No that's not.. Gay people are just normal humans

YQY nodding along

SY: What, then why do humans dislike them so much? I thought that being gay was another one of those "We hate anything that's not human even if they look eerily similar to humans" things, like how humans hate beastkin.

SQH: Yeah I thought it was a species thing too

SJ: No it's about what gender you like

YQY still nodding along

SY: What is gender

SQH: Isn't that the one really famous old wizard?

SY: No that's another thing

SJ: What is happening

--

After SJ explains the concept of gender to the two lizards SQH heads on home because he knows that if he's gone longer than a week his king gets "nervous" and starts plundering the surrounding areas.

SJ: So you've lived for..?

SY: About 21,279 years?

SJ: Right, and you didn't know what gender is?

SY: No, why does that even matter?

SJ: Oh my... How do you guys make babies?

SY: I'm not talking to a child on this topic

SJ: I am TWENTY FOUR

SY: CHILD

--

SY: Okay so why does gender matter when mating?

SJ: Don't you guys have females to lay the eggs?

SY: No

SJ: Exactl... No..?

SY: I can lay my own eggs

SJ: YOU'RE A LADY?

SY: I am a dragon

--

LQG coming over for another visit, perched on the top of the tower. He's waiting for Shen Yuan to come back from his little trip.

LQG, craning his neck to peek into the tower: Where has Shen Yuan gone this time?

YQY who isn't phased by the amount of dragons he's seen anymore: Who is Shen Yuan

SJ: The dragon. He's off to learn more about humans

LQG: Why would he need to know more about you? Can he not ask you?

SJ: He's learning what gender is

LQG: What do you mean he doesn't know what gender is?

SJ: You know what gender is?

LQG who interacts with the humans that come to challenge him for his treasures on a daily basis: Yes

SJ, learning that LQG knows more about humans than his shut in dragon and his weird kink-having friend combined: Okay do you know what a cut-sleeve is?

LQG: Yes?? I am 20,001 years old, why would I not??

SJ: Audible exhale

--

More Snippets

[rue-x3]

More snippets

Previous snippets

More about LQG :3

LQG, standing atop all of the treasures he's amassed: What have you come for, human?

LBH: I've come to challenge you! If I best you, surely I can impress.. him (Shen Yuan's human disguise)

LQG: Very well,

LBH: This time your flames will not work on—

LQG, who swats him away with a flick of his tail: ...

LBH, who slams into a tree and now glares up at the dragon: ... Same time next week?

LQG, nodding: Same time next week.

LBH, who sighs dejectedly and hobbles off with like.. all of his ribs shattered: One day...

LQG thinking to himself: Yeah, his determination is good. I will not regret training this human up, I imagine he becomes a worthy foe in the future. Our battles will be thrilling!

--

LQG: Hm? He's late today? He's never missed a battle yet..

LBH, who has been following a disguised SY around like a lovesick puppy: Yuan-ge!

LQG, rising from his amassed pile of treasures and stretching like a cat: Alright, I'll go find that slacker.

--

Flashback to LBH & LQG's first fight

LBH: You! Dragon! I'll take you down, I'll defeat you!

LQG, who's on his 17th challenger of the day: You dare? What gave you the guts to challenge me? (Pleased about all of the fighting)

LBH with his huge crush: Okay so there's this guy...

--

LBH, following SY around: You haven't been here that long Yuan-ge, you should let me guide you!~

SY: Oh, well then tha—oh my fucking days.

LQG, who was flying above and has now landed in the middle of the very large city: You, boy—

LBH, drawing his blade and standing in front of SY: Wh—

SY: Liu Qingge what the absolute fuck is wrong with you.

LQG, who pauses to look around the city: Shen Yuan? Certainly you haven't taken in... All of these humans...

LBH, who asked his question right after Liu Qingge did: Wait, Yuan-ge... You know this dragon?

SY: Yeah

LQG, thinking SY was replying to him: Shen Yuan, you need an intervention...

SY, who has been grabbed by LQG who is now flying away with him: . . .

LBH: YUAN-GE!!

--

LQG, who brought SY back to his (SY's) tower: Shen Yuan, you can't adopt an entire city.

SY: Why would I adopt an entire city

SJ who just saw SY's human form for the first time: Who is—Wait. You cannot adopt an entire city Shen Yuan.

SY: What are you both talking about?

SJ: Actually... Yeah, what are we talking about? Brute, explain.

LQG: Sheb Yuan was in... A city of humans...

SJ: mhm, okay..

LQG: When I asked if he decided to take all of them under his wing, he said yeah... He was even walking beside one of them, so it must be true..

SQH, who was traveling with MBJ and was conveniently passed overhead: Gasp! You WHORE!

YQY: Why did he say the word gasp—

SJ: Shen Yuan you can't have any more humans. I alone am enough for you... Okay Qi-ge also is enough for you. Why are you looking for other humans?!

SY: Okay no wait—

LBH, who finally caught up to LQG after like hours: Yuan-ge! Are you trapped in that tower?!

SJ: Is that him?! Is that the other human?

YQY who's shaking his head in disappointment next to SJ: Shen Yuan...

--

LBH: Today I'll slay you, you damned dragon!

YQY watching with a bit of second hand embarrassment: Xiao-Jiu is that how I looked to you?

SJ, who feels like he's about to pop a blood vessel: Yes.

LQG, flushing furiously again: You perverse human! You're going to slay me?! You've been lusting after me all along?! Shen Yuan, you need to stop attracting these kinds of despicable and shameless perverts!

SY: None of this is my fault

--

Villager 1: Don't you guys have a horrific dragon that loots your finest weaponry? Isn't it horrifying?

City person 1: Oh that guy? No he's chill. If you just go up and ask him for your stuff back he'll probably let you take it. He also lets us challenge him all the time, it's actually quite fun. Don't you guys have a dragon that takes sacrifices?

Villager 1: Oh, well we did... Until this new dragon came and killed it. We thought the new guy was evil but he's actually... Unimpressive for a dragon.

City person 2 (From MBJ'S territory): Dragons are all evil, I tell you.

Villager 1: What

City person 1: Yeah what are you talking about.

City person 2: A dragon is having sex with the king

Villager 1: ...

City person 1: Oh man, that is scary...

--

LQG & SY went off somewhere to visit a dragon they both know like a month ago, and now they've returned to their respective homes:

SY handing over something to SJ: Here, I brought you a gift:

SJ: Why did you give me a rock?

SY: Why would I give you a rock

SJ: Then what is this?

SY: An egg

SJ, starting to have a horrible discovery: ... Who's egg is this..?

SY: Mine

SJ: Oh gods, your perverted friend was right, you are a whore

SY: Listen, Qingge and I got bored on the way there and

SJ: YOU SLEPT WITH THE BRUTE?!

SY: What, no? Of course not

SJ, visibly relieved: Oh my, don't—

SY: When would we have time to sleep? We did it in the air

SJ: Qi-ge go get my curse book.

[greatnesswithoutenvies]

#Dragons are very open about partnership and all

#SJ expected SY to be a virgin and is shocked when he learns that... SY HAS SEX?!?

#SJ: LIU QINGGE YOU HAD SEX WITH MY DRAGON?!?

#LQG: Yeah

[confuzing]

The Parent Trap but it's Liu Mingyan and her secret twin Shen Yuan trying to get their dads (Liu Qingge and Shen Qingqiu) back together.

(It was a super messy relationship when they were disciples. They're both pretending it never happened. And that their kids are much younger siblings.)

Yes they cross dress as each other.

There's a side plot where Binghe is deeply confused by his fluctuating attraction to Shen Yuan and Liu Mingyan before he realizes they're swapping identities and he's only attracted to Shen Yuan, cross dressing or not.

[greatnesswithoutenvies]

#who birthed these children? dealer's choice

#yes the twins look a lot alike#just covering or adding the beauty mark does most of the heavy lifting

#SJ and LQG are both poorly pretending they don't care about the other twin

#really it's a miracle they don't work it out until SQH slips up when they're in their teens

[red-garden]

Consider: Shen Jiu has Shen Yuan at 15~16 before escaping the Qiu manor and still manages to become Qing Jing Peak Lord as a teen mom. However, Liu Qingge (who is 13 years younger than Shen Jiu) is completely head over heels for his awful rival’s formerly secret son. Shen Jiu is of course not above beefing with 16 year olds, ESPECIALLY if their privileged little ass just became a peak lord. He knows that if he forbids Liu Qingge from ever seeing his son again, A-Yuan will eventually escape and abandon Shen Jiu. Therefore he starts giving Liu Qingge seemingly impossible tasks to prove himself worthy of courting A-Yuan (over the course of which he learns about Shen Yuan’s parentage and Shen Jiu’s past). As Liu Qingge continues to meet Shen Jiu every fucking challenge some how, Shen Jiu comes up with one final test he’s completely sure Liu Qingge will either fail at, or it will actually be worth spending some time away from his son if Liu Qingge succeeds: he must find out the real reason Yue Qingyuan forgot about Shen Jiu.

[disgracefulthings]

Shen Yuan and Shen Jiu are so interesting to me

They work well as siblings, father and son, friends, lovers, etc. I don't know any other characters that work that well in so many ways (at least without it feeling incestuous for romantic ships)

And what makes it so funny is that in canon they have never met, and one of them is unaware of the other's existence

[greatnesswithoutenvies]

#shen yuan would be drawn to shen jiu because he is a tragic villain

#and shen jiu would be drawn to shen yuan because of his innocence and lack of lust

#shen jiu: this is the only safe man I know

#shen yuan: i can fix him

#(plus they work so well as an asexual pairing)

#(shen yuan being I'm not gay but cuddles r nice)

#(and shen jiu being able to fall asleep next to him knowing he wouldn't do anything)

[loratea]

liu qingge overhears shen qingqiu making some petty comment about one of the peak lords under his breath during a cang qiong sect meeting. lqg snorts at the unexpectedly accurate characterization, trying (and failing) to hold back laughter. sqq lightly smacks lqg’s arm with his fan in retaliation, but that doesn’t erase the rare, toothy grin spread across lqg’s face. when lqg notices the tips of sqq’s ears redden, he assumes that sqq is just mad at him for disrupting the meeting (needless to say, lqg is absolutely terrible at reading people).

[greatnesswithoutenvies]

#what did sqq say? probably something like “that hamster of a man” while talking about shang qinghua

#sqq gets mad at lqg for laughing but sqq’s commentary is Right which is why lqg finds it so funny

#this can be about either shen yuan or shen jiu because you know BOTH make this kind of commentary during meetings

[beyondknowingbeyondthestars]

Au where Shen Yuan transmigrates as Liu Qingge's older brother and goes to the sect first, he gets plopped on the beast peak. He is Liu Yuan and he's just as pretty as the rest of the Liu family. He ends up the head disciple, and I think he wears a weimao because otherwise he gets stared at a lot (he doesn't realize he's gorgeous and everyone wants him)

Enter Shen Jiu stage left. Liu Yuan doesn't immediately recognize him as the scum villain he'll become, but he does recognize some of the same things he sees in a scared and traumatized animal and he descends on a percieved poor meow meow (someone put this man down before Shen Jiu does)

Anyway, enter Liu Qinnge stage right, finding out his brother's been hanging out with Shen Qingqiu (at this point he has a reputation it probably took Liu Yuan a while to get this close)

And so he storms to find them, having a nice conversation and walk (its mostly Liu Yuan talking, Shen Qingqiu just isn't forcing him to leave this time) and scowls.

"Da-ge, what are you doing spending so much time with Shen Qingqiu!? Don't you know what sort of a man he is?" All mad, and Shen Qingqiu thinks "Well this is it, goodbye to the one person that still looks at me like I'm a human." and also "Wait a minute, Yuan-Shidi is Liu Yuan the head disciple?" because Liu Yuan knew Shen Qingqiu would hate his didi he insisted on being known as Yuan by Shen Qingqiu.

But then instead of turning on Shen Qingqiu, Liu Yuan visciously scolds his brother for interupting, being rude, and he even grabs his didi by the ear and tugs while he scolds like "Wait until I tell a-Niang how unruly her son is being, picking fights so wrecklessly!" And this devolves into a fight, and goodbye weimao that got shredded in the tussel

So now Shen Qingqiu has a pretty shidi, and a festering crush

Liu Yuan is, as usual, none the wiser

Shen Qingqiu is infuriated by his obliviousness and swears that the Liu line must somehow be cursed, but he still calls Liu Yuan familiarly (Yuan-Shidi and maybe even Yuan or A-Yuan to watch the man grow flustered)

[greatnesswithoutenvies]

#Liu Yuan definitely wrestles bears and shit

#Shen Qingqiu wanders onto the beast peak for some reason or another and he sees Liu Yuan literally wrestling a bear or beast larger than him

[beyondknowingbeyondthestars]

Au where Shen Qingqiu and Liu Qingge have been in a secret relationship for 5 years (bear with me it literally came to me as I was going to sleep last night)

They got together because of a mission they went on, where some plant of some sort took their dna and made a baby from them. The baby is almost entirely human, though he's got some plant in him. Maybe he can grow flowers. This is Shen Yuan.

They agree to bring the baby to Liu Qingge's parents to take care of for a while, but have to stay for longer than expected because man that baby is very attatched to his parents and will scream his head off without them. This forces them to be near each other and over time they fall in love. They probably don't actually start courting for a year aftet that, so these next events happen when Shen Yuan is maybe 6.

At this point the two peak lords are very in love, but no one suspects anything because they turned their bickering and fighting into flirting.

Shen Qingqiu is the one keeping their relationship a secret, and Liu Qingge respects it, but Shen Qingqiu decides he doesn't want to have their family apart anymore and makes a half announcement at a peak lord meeting.

"This Qingqiu has been courting someone for a few years now, with the intentions of marriage soon."

Liu Qingge, wife obssessed, accidentally shouts "Finally!" before he can stop himself. They both go red.

The peak lords freak it, but both of them abscond and Liu Qingge goes right to retrieve Shen Yuan from his parents. He looks mostly like Shen Qingqiu, but he has his Liu Qingge's eyes and a signature Liu mole.

So little Shen Yuan is introduced to the peak lords by a couple of very proud fathers, their little prodigy. I like to think hes very insitant on calling Shen Qingqiu a-niang because it used to bug him but now hes accepted that he'll forever be a-niang.

So now theres a nosey little guy getting into trouble everywhere and causing immortal masters across the peak to gain grey hairs, handing Mu Qingfang rare flowers that he definetly shouldn't be able to get his hands on and attracting problems like it's going out of style

Shen Yuan definetly knew Liu Mingyan but she wouldn't have been told he was Shen Yuan, just A-Yuan or Yuan-er. This is because Shen Qingqiu knows she can't keep things to herself so he had the Liu parents keep it a secret until he was ready to reveal it.

[greatnesswithoutenvies]

#came to me in a dream#Or before a dream#same difference