Ecstatic Life

part of galaxy

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

Can I really survive this life?

I feel cold

My hands are trembling

I feel weak

I have no energy to do anything

How did I survive back then?

When life was not on my side

How to live again?

I don’t want to think

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

Am I allowed to give up?

I tried

I work so hard

Now I am tired

Not the usual physically tired

My spirit is tired

I lost all the motivations

Nothing is interesting

The colors are fading away

Everything looks dull

Even the word “hope” now has no meaning

I need my sun

But she’s so far away

She’s out of touch

I need my sun

Coz all the lights have left my soul

Am I allowed to give up?

God? Anyone?

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

You don’t know how much I want to ruin my life

Just with a single decision

Everything will stop

I can do it if I want to

But I cannot

It’s the last resort

When I really cannot take it anymore

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

The voices and whispers take over my head

I barely recognize myself

I almost lost it

I want to try the worst scenario

To stop all of these sufferings

Yet I cannot do it

There’s always something missing

In everyday, in every step, in every place

I lost myself, I lost my home

Always looking for a place I can call home

Everywhere I go, everywhere I move,

There’s no home

No comfort

No peace of mind

No safe place

I try to find in me

But I’m hollow

Still denying myself

Blame myself

Resent myself

At first it sounds ridiculous

But when my doctor added more prescription

I know this is getting serious

Yet I’m in denial and downplaying every symptom

“What’s missing?” he asked

A lot of factors

I explained but there’s more to it

Unresolved problems that’s still lingering

How to navigate all of it?

I don’t know

All I can do is to forget and to reset

It’s draining, even in my fantasy

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

Let me be sad (again)

Even in my birthday

There’s nothing new about it

All alone again

No one to celebrate to

Always making me feel anxious

Am I getting closer to my death?

So all the sufferings will stop all at once?

Must be nice

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

I don’t know why I decided to write here. It’s been so long. I tried writing my thoughts on my journal, it didn’t help at all. I tried to summon my imaginary friends, but I already said good bye to them. Unable to call them back, since they are no longer in my head.

This afternoon I consulted with my psychiatrist. Finally brave unraveling the untold past that’s still bothering me. The past that makes me sick in my heart and head. About all the former friends who left me feeling lonely. Even when I was with them or away from them. I finally accepted that I never be their best friend from the beginning. Because it was so easy to live without me. However, I never blame them, they might have their own reason. I only can blame myself for being so unimportant. Easy to forget. It was easy because I was and am sick in my head. Finally seeking help when I was no longer be able to face it. I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t fathom what’s real and what’s twist of mind.

Bless them for leaving me behind. I know deep down they are better without me. The people pleaser. Always faking smile. Always pretending everything was fine. None of them saw the true me. No wonder they left me easily. I was such a hypocrite. The fricking pretender.

I decided to be alone. Cannot afford to get hurt more. Maybe loneliness won’t be that bad. Or so I thought. Loneliness still makes me sick, hurt, and unwanted. Sometime I need someone to talk to but end up swallowing it back. Thought It will be alright. I’ll be fine living on my own. Just me and my 2 adorable cats. However, when life gets hard and difficult to comprehend, I’m still longing for someone to be beside me. I’m so exhausted to the point I need a hug. Duck I’m so miserable for wanting a simple hug yet I have no one.

I wonder how will my life be. Can I stay for one more day. One more day. One more day. I can still try for one more day. One more day. One more day. What will happen I can’t find one more day and give up all at once. Will that be peaceful? Will I find the liberation? Or will I be a ghost who haunted everyone else to help me cross the bridge? Will I be united with my cat who passed away 5 months a go?

I don’t know anymore. What if I decide to fade away? But how about my cats. Who’s going to take care of them? Maybe this is enough reason to stay for one more day. One more day. One more day.

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

I was born in September

I never ask to be born

If things turn out this way

If they were never ready

Why?

They neglected me

Yet demand so many things from me

To be someone else I don’t want

Now I lost myself

Don’t know who I am anymore

Why?

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

I said that I was afraid to be someone else

Now I become someone else

-Kirana

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

How come I’m scared of falling asleep? When I close my eyes all I see is nightmares after nightmares. When this will stop? I think I can’t take it anymore.

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

Snap my fingers

I can no longer feel or see,

I've lost all heart to be thoughtful.

Forsaken me for all these years,

They said they care, yet they never.

I can only see the bleak Saturday,

When Sunday becomes darker.

Like a cycle, going through the same patterns,

Can't see when it ends, since it will never.

Is God in heaven or hell?

Apologize for being lost,

I let myself perish,

Starved myself from the lack of loving, being loved.

I'd rather die than survive,

Wishing for eternity ever after.

One more step, I'll be in peace,

Then all the noises vanished like magic.

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

How many times they’re going to hurt me

Until I break apart

All over again

And watching myself shattered into pieces

I saw no empathy every time they speak

I saw none

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

To whom I can tell this tales?

The tale of hallucinations I can’t get rid off

The tale of the demon that creates a nest in my head

The tale of not being good enough

The tale of longing the life I’ve never had

To whom I can tell this tales?

When the only thing I can do is stay silent

Because there’s no one beside me

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

My cat

She hates me when I’m down

I can’t help it

I can’t pretend to be fine all the time

Sometimes I don’t have the energy to call her

I just stay silent in the corner of my room

Hoping this heavy feeling fade away quickly

So I can play with her and she stops hating me for being down

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

She doesn't know

Because of the one sentence she said back then,

I'm still here.

Even though I've been on the edge many times,

Whenever I'm on the verge of giving up,

I remember her still living on this planet.

Then I'll keep going.

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

It feels like I lost everything

I lost all the comfort places

I only have my room

Maybe, that’s good enough for now

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

I’m aware

Not everyone

will stay here

forever with me

[if-uknowme-forgetme]

I already forgot

How it feels

To have friends

Now everything is

Just a business matter

- 9pm thoughts