Stepping Stone

I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm thankful.

[ifnotforbeauty]

I became a wife today. I have a husband. This is so crazy. Thank God.

I struggle with the idea of being excessive. I do not want to cause my future self any harm or difficulty because of the financial decisions I am making in the now. Even now, I am not sure how I ended up spending this much on our nikkah and I am terrified of how much excessiveness will result in the planning of our wedding. Truly I am scared. However, I can not disagree with what everyone has been telling me; this will only happen once i’A. So, enjoy and do not worry.

I saw everyone I love come together to help me. I was a brat and I pray God will forgive me, but the way I saw all the best parts of my life come together to make this incredibly special day a reality for me was something I will hold on to for the rest of my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart God- you gave this to me. So truly, thank you. Bless me and Tamim in this journey. Make us better servants to you, as we have completed half of our deen today. Please let us live up to it and to not neglect it. May this be a fresh chapter full of everything good.

P.S. please grant us the strength to do this again in August Iyiyiy

[ifnotforbeauty]

I understand less each day.

[ifnotforbeauty]

What do I need right now?

Why am I so stressed out, angry or triggered all the time? What do I need?

[ifnotforbeauty]

I feel self critical and alone.

I feel like I understand why people are afraid to make mistakes, to fail. “Why not?” Is not a phrase for the average person because people are not so forgiving. This life is not forgiving and it is easy to fall down the wrong path.

I wish I could be a better person, take back my mistakes and try my best to be the best. I’m not perfect and I feel resentful of myself for it. My bad times haunt me. The way Allah swt has saved me in all my poor moments is beyond my belief. I am always being taken care of by Him. I should never feel alone or hated when I have Al Rahman, Al Raheem watching over me.

Everything that happens or does not happen to me is good and for my good.

[ifnotforbeauty]

I didn’t know that

It would be so hard

To do this

It seems like everything

Has to be difficult

When it’s simple

All of it

Should be simple

[ifnotforbeauty]

Love is

a great escape.

[ifnotforbeauty]

It seems that it is so much easier to forget about our struggles and pain when things do not change; when we get lost in the mundane routines of everyday life, we push all else aside and focus only on what is in front of us.

But with change comes the need to confront our selves.

Oh Allah, grant me strength and sabr. I am only able to persevere with Your blessings and guidance. Please see my struggles and help me. Ameen.

[ifnotforbeauty]

What does it mean to hold your power

How do you stop giving your power away to people

I mean, how can I best control my emotions and stay calm? I have become so unhinged lately. I need alone time. I need some peace and quiet. I need to find me. I don’t recognize myself anymore and I can’t seem to understand.

I’m losing it and I need to find it.

[ifnotforbeauty]

If you to choose between being alone or being around people who bring you down what would you choose

[ifnotforbeauty]

Life is a series of beautiful hardships and ease. Hold on, champ. It will be worth it.

[ifnotforbeauty]

Thank God for this space. This place I can go to any time.

At this moment I am crying. I want to be happy and feel fulfilled, but after all this time I still don’t feel that way.

I have found the love of my life. I am nearing the end of my educational career. My family seems to be doing better. Alhamdulillah for everything. So why do I feel this way? Why am I unable to leave my room or even my head, for that matter? Why do my eyes fill with tears at this moment even though I have everything I need to survive at my fingertips? Why do I want to be alone? Why do I feel this way?

What do I need?

[ifnotforbeauty]

Hello again,

It’s been a while. You would think it’s a good thing- perhaps I’m able to regulate my emotions better or maybe I’ve found other coping techniques. The truth is that I just haven’t been reflecting. I haven’t had enough solitude or willingness to do some self reflection and I don’t actually think that’s a good thing.

I feel like I am grateful. I feel blessed and I am thankful for everything and everyone I have, Alhamdulillah always. One thing I need to do to really show how much I appreciate everything I’ve been given is to reflect and be better. I want to thrive- not necessarily grow, there’s enough growing up going on around me aka marriages and this weird grief that I wasn’t prepared for. I want to thrive in the sense that I want to do my best and be my best self every second of every day that I am given in this life.

For some reason, I still feel lack of progress in achieving this is due to my living environment. I’m still in need of space to live, pray, learn, reflect, take ownership of and to move. It’s hard to have a moment of solitude or peace when there’s always someone doing something that I find distracting. My attention span is short, and I have a hard time saying no. I need space. I tried improving the look of the space around me, I tried decluttering. I spend time, energy and money only to come full circle. It’s not working and I need to change things for myself.

Manifest the life you want to live. What does this look like? I am back to the drawing board and you know what? It’s okay. I can figure this out. The power to change that which doesn’t work for me is within me. I will improve my life. I will be better. I will do what I need to do to thrive because I love my Creator and I will honour the life I have been given.

I am able, I am independent, I am successful, I am healthy, I am positive, I am young, I am smart, I am beautiful, I am loved. Alhamdulillah.

[ifnotforbeauty]

On this day

You gave me roses

And took me on a picnic

You make me feel

Like I can be myself

And I will still always be loved and wanted

SubhanAllah

[ifnotforbeauty]

I come on here the day before the rally, scared and unsure. I share my feelings and notice that someone liked an old post of mine. What was written in that post?

A prayer for guidance, for direction, for the ability to help as best as I can.

Alhamdulillah for this sign, for every thing.

May Allah accept our efforts and intentions and grant of safety and ease during this important task.

“Oh my Lord! Expand my chest for me, ease my task for me, and loosen a knot from my tongue so they may understand me.” (20:25-28).

“O Allah, there is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make the difficult become easy, if You so will.”

[ifnotforbeauty]

A note

For me myself and I.

I have the privilege of safety because of a genocide that still occurs before me.

I have the ability to turn it off, take a break, step away, recharge, whatever you want to call it- when the news about tragedies across the world gets too horrifying.

I am the people of the free world and Allah is watching. Alhamdulillah, I have the power to advocate for my Ummah. May God protect us, defend us, guide us and forgive us.

Let’s go.

[ifnotforbeauty]

I have disassociated from the entire world.

I left everything behind and hibernated in my bubble.

Winter came and took everything with it.

Now here I am wondering if I was left behind

Or if I just managed to survive.

Either way I have come out of my bubble

Only to find that all I have now is my bubble.

[ifnotforbeauty]

You never have to prove anything to anyone.

Allah swt sees and He knows. Seek your Lord and you will find your answers.