You can never trust a police officer. Readers of this fine periodical might be worried about racial discrimination, a state monopoly of violence, or even that their uniforms look a little dumb sometimes. I, however, have a more chilling story to share with you. It’s about the time I tried to buy an ex-cop car from the auctions.
A couple years ago, Ford decided they were going to give up on the body-on-frame Crown Victoria Police Interceptor. This was done for a number of reasons, mostly to cut costs, but also because the only thing a 250-horsepower so-called Performance Improved CVPI can “intercept” in this age of commodity turbocharging is twenty year old minivans driving the speed limit. Also, when you had literally any accident it would Julienne every occupant of the vehicle in grotesque, Red Asphalt-style 1970s traffic fatalities.
What Ford replaced the P70 CVPI with was the new Taurus Police Interceptor. Despite the frowns from the old-stock cops who were convinced no unibody, all-wheel-drive, liberal-coddling safety wagon could ever compare, it had two nice features. One, you could bomb a curb at 40 mph without bending a rim. Two, it had a twin turbocharged V6 making an almost-enough-for-safe-highway-merging 365 horsepower. Fantastic stuff all around.
Cops didn’t buy them, of course, preferring like every other red-blooded North American to purchase an immense Explorer-based SUV instead with which to transport today’s increasingly fatter criminals. That meant that, at auction, these puppies were both relatively low-mileage and very undesirable. Naturally, I had to head down to said auction, because it was about time I got a responsible, safe vehicle for myself to supplement some of my large collection of wheezy body-on-frame hoopties.
This was when I discovered the true nature of police brutality. They wanted actual money for a vehicle that I had already bought with my taxes! My budget blown, I had to settle for some weird military tank and a bag of hand grenades instead. Call me if you need private security or just want your drug dealer’s door busted down. I promise to only oppress the people you tell me to.
snowghoul
2087
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turnnoffyourmind
janainaart
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