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@ijustwanttobehappyalways
06/08/2013
Last week I was emotion at my peak. Where every moment I was on the brink of losing it; eyes swollen from keeping tears back. Yet today, I look back and I feel different. Like I was someone else. It's been a long time since I've felt a small sense of relaxation. But I'm also concerned about the dependency I've develop. Needed yet it creates within me a turbulence in my being. So much has happened in a year. I'm just only beginning to make any sense of it all.
06/01/2013
Too exhausted to care. Too tired to cry. Too overwhelmed to process. Too mental to continue. Too sad to be happy. Too much. Too fast. Too little. Too late. And now I'm gone. I don't know where, why, what. But I've left and I'm not coming back. Seen too much. Felt too long. Care too hard.
05/29/2013
I cried hot, painful tears. The realizations of my regrets, anxieties, failures, inadequacies, have driven me to a ball of withdrawal. I'm increasing finding myself moving away from every one and thing. I always do this once I've reached a certain point. When I need people most I shy away, to suffer alone, to cry myself to sleep, to hide away my pain when around people. I wish I was better for everyone I know. I notice times when they need help but I'm not there for them. I don't know anymore. Maybe I should quit.
05/27/2013
I've been incredibly moody lately. My mental and emotional state is oscillating at a rate which I physically feel ill at times.
I need help so badly. But how do you ask when you're whole being is on the line?
05/22/2013
Hyperawareness plagues me after I have extensive time alone. A dangerous state to be in when your job is hinged on decision making and question the world around you. I'm ambivalent to my state of mental stability, teetering between alright and utter breakdown. I know how I'll act, think, and feel but it has never stopped me from being an awkward idiot. But such is the realities in which I'm trying to overcome. To begin to change, one must fall and realize it before you can move forward. This was an especially hard week alone. One where I realized all that I had suppressed can flooding in. And that I have changed much. I have come so far yet there is always more ahead. At times it's enthralling and exciting, other times I want nothing more than to submit to apathy.
05/20/2013
Holy fuck, a years worth of not regretting is hitting me like a food poisoning. Quick, nauseating, lingering. I regret so much. Why do I even care anyway. Go away, please.
05/18/2013
Closing your eyes and keeping it closed is easier than to open them.
05/16/2013
Today was strange, a mixture of all feelings and thoughts. Today was a special for many people I know, which has produced a sense of happiness and sadness in their accomplishments. But I can't help but feel that I should have been one of those people. Instead here I am cheering them on in the sidelines. I also regret not finding all of my friends and personally congratulate them, exhausted by everything beforehand. I also projected to the future, to the possibilities of what's to lie ahead. I'm excited at the potential that is welling within, even if exhausted by the thought of them. I regretted hard today, at myself for not being a better student, artist, president, and human being. With all that has happened and that will, I'm torn, excited, and confused. All the opinions, ideas, thoughts, conversations, and feelings from everyone and myself have consumed me to submission. I want nothing more than to cry.
Today, I realized I stand on the precipice of that can and will happen. Am I ready for it? That, I fear, I don't know that I am. I'm in a precarious position in my life, vulnerable and all-consuming, one which my future hinges on my ability to act and become more than myself. If I fall now, can I recover?
Here we go.
05/15/2013
Aftermath. Feeling really isolated regardless of attempts to get myself out. I don't know if I'm just really exhausted and running on who-knows-what, or maybe I should consider my future. It's weird, so weird. I want to quit but what's stopping me? Duty? Responsibility? Pride? Ego? Regrets?
All these feelings begets a part of me I never thought I had. And I hate it. I hate myself for not being better. I hate what I have gotten myself into. I hate that hate all that I've chosen.
05/12/2013
Becoming polarized by my thoughts, feelings, and desires. It's the crippling realization of knowing that all that you wish to become is failing, and not by lack of effort, but by the cruel realities of the world around you. Exhausted, regrets, loneliness. I just want the world to stop for once, or have the world just consume me already.
05/10/2013
I've reached the point of feeling nothing. No sadness, happiness or emptiness. It's a strange sensation, like a dream, where I'm just observing the world. A human who has lost their humanity by becoming nothing.
05/09/2013
In a world of consequences, difference.
My emotional spectrum traveled the entire distance, all at once, today. The overwhelming sensations of being human.
05/06/2013
How do you stay human when all the world is for you to control?
05/05/2013
I pretty much avoided everything the past three days.
My biggest support system is gone for three weeks. I'm incredibly melancholic but this is for the best. She's gone during a time when I need her most but perhaps this also the only time and way for me to grow. I am reminded again of the news a year ago. Look at me now.
I am used to abandonment, I guess.
05/01/13
Day one.
Today I felt like quitting, like the dread of the burden became too much. It was like another tomorrow that will only take away whatever is left in me. How do you deal with expectations that you feel you can't meet?
I dread the moment people around me stop waiting for me.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how much I care about anything.
Then there are moments people I care about show kindness when I feel most vulnerable.
I cried today.
For a brief moment I felt proud.
And then everything seems alright.
I hope to one day be able to say I love you to the people that haven't abandoned me yet.