thickfreakness

jealousy in technicolour live by name, love by number

[illfittingthoughts]

I honestly don’t know why I’m still posting shit on here. I don’t have to... I literally could just do it on the notes app but i kinda like the idea that maybe somebody in the future might stumble into this and have a peek into a depressive mode of a working age adult lol. I wanted to call myself young adult but i think it’s been more than 10 years since i started this tumblr, that does not seem appropriate anymore.

I just had the shittiest phone call i had with my dad in a while. He asked me about something i thought was kind of dumb, and sensing i was getting pissed he started asking me about how covid is and what’s the weather like. And i just kinda lost it on him, telling him to not call me every day because i don’t have the mental energy to talk to them after work. Which isnt wrong. I hate talking on the phone and all i want to do after work is scroll tiktok and just wait until i fall asleep.

I hung up not long after, and almost immediately started crying. I had to log off work even though i have to lead a meeting tomorrow, with a bunch of shit that i have not yet finished... i dont know it was just a lot. And then after talking it out to my friend, i decided the right move was to apologize. So i texted him sorry and well it’s been 3 hours and he saw it but did not reply.

Well that opens up a whole other barrel of issue.. maybe our family is not meant for reconciliation. Maybe that’s all there is to this dumb thing we call family, just surface level interactions and surface level declarations of love. They aren’t interested in authentic emotions; they aren’t interested in actually talking in getting to know each other as a person, without the weird baby-Ing dynamic. I’m fucking 27 years old, I’m not a child. And yet I’m always spoken to as one.

I honestly dont know what to make of all this. I think my therapist gonna have a field day with this this week... idk why i came here to write but i can’t sleep and usually writing it out makes it better. Also for the first time in a long long time, i did feel that maybe my family would be happier if I’m like, gone. Except my brother i guess... i think he’d be sad? But idk lol. But for my parents, they probably think oh shit we got stuck with a shit kid anyway. They might be sad for a while, but knowing that i no longer exist to yell at them maybe that will finally give them the peace that they wanted.

Nah don’t worry I’m not gonna do anything drastic lol i have no courage to. But yeah. The thought did come to mind. Well idk what else to do at this point... gonna try a sleep meditation and hope i fall asleep i guess. Until the next mental breakdown1

[illfittingthoughts]

Here’s the post I was about the post on Instagram and I realize nobody on there wanted to read this...

Damn they don’t do post breaks anymore? Sorry for wall of text then. Still not sure who is still reading this.

Have you ever felt like, your heart just hurts? In a moment of weakness, I unblocked his Instagram. I quickly went to his saved stories, realizing he was in town about 6 weeks ago. That.. was like a gut punch to the stomach. He came down and did not see me. I mean, duh? I blocked him off on everything except gmail and LinkedIn haha. But still, seeing him going around to his favorite restaurants and I just wasn’t there with him felt like a brutal jolt of pain.

I don’t think I want to go back to the way we were. I was hurt too then, albeit in a different way. I was emotionally manipulated, and it was exhausting. Now I just crave the physical and emotional closeness of having another person who is intimately close to you. That bond is difficult to replace. And in those moments, I wish I just put up with his bullshit just so I can have him back in my life. There is so many things I want to tell him. But I can’t. Again, because I blocked him. And deleted his number.

I know my perception of him has been skewed. I’m not remembering the shitty parts at all. I’m not remembering how he would always get on my nerves. I’m not remembering his flaws. Because when you look at life with rose tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

[illfittingthoughts]

I’m not sure what is exactly causing this feeling of loneliness. I usually crave alone time, but somehow recently, i’ve been feeling more and more lonely. I’m not sure if it’s a function of going into a new job, me breaking off contact with that guy, or also the fact that my roommate has been away for a week. This week, i spent 3 days holed up at home because I was actually sick. 

I think I just need a change in my life. LA is not home, it never was, and I’m not sure if it ever will be. This is my city, but as my coworker put it earlier, we will always be outsiders. 

Maybe my curse is just that I will never feel at home anywhere. Maybe that’s what will happen to me. A third culture kid with no affiliations anywhere. 

I just wished I had a lot more balls. 

[illfittingthoughts]

If not now, when?

I swore I would give an update, so here it is. Around a week after I last blogged, on the uber to SFO, I composed my first ever (technically third) “mature” adult question to the guy in question. “Is this something more?”

“I’m not looking for anything with anyone right now.. is that okay?”.

The answer is so painfully simple, and if I’m being quite honest I should’ve seen it sooner. As I’ve said, I was blinded by.. lust and the thought that it could be something more. And after I got that polite but rather firm rejection, I told myself and everyone around me that I was fine. That I got this under control, that I knew he wasn’t right for me anyway, that I wasn’t into him.

Lies, to a certain extent. What I can’t quite shake off though is again the things that we did together. Were they all just.. friendly? Is there something so inherently revolting in me that all guys just get so turned off every time they get close? Am I just like, someone they know who’d always say yes so they just hit me up when they need a boost for their already inflated ego?

it’s hard to separate the feeling of sadness, loneliness and unworthiness. After 25.5 years of absolute singleness, it’s getting kinda hard to see that this will ever change. Will it? Maybe it’s just not in the cards for me, and as far as I tell people that I don’t give a fuck, I really do.

I’m not going to give him the satisfaction and let him know that I miss him. We weren’t together, and he made it clear. I’m so fucking dumb.

Enough self hate for the day I guess. Good night to me.

[illfittingthoughts]

Hitch-hiking with a monogrammed suitcase

I honestly should blog more often. I just spent the past 20 minutes or so (shit, what a good reminder, gotta take off my face mask) reading my past blogposts. It honestly transported me to a different time in my life and I kind of wish I wrote more during college/early years of employment. Maybe I’ll start now? Life has honestly been so busy it’s been hard to even have a few moments to myself like this. Also I wouldn’t have been here if I went with Plan A, which is to go out with Kathy but I turned her down... My personal trainer said that I should watch the alcohol and honestly I’ve been binge drinking non stop since I turned 25 this past summer so might not be such a terrible idea to calm the fuck down.

Anyways - I thought it’d also be nice to describe the location and circumstances of my writing this. Right now, I’m in the third apartment post-college. I moved out of West LA into the glorious glitzy Hollywood (lol, it is not). Weirdly enough, I am listening to Arctic Monkeys right now. Truth be told, I have not listen to them as much I used to back in JC/college. But I did just see them for the seventh time earlier this week. That’s probably what is stirring up the nostalgia and those countless hours all those years ago typing up my thoughts on this exact same blog.

My classic rambling - I’m sorry you have to read that. To be honest, I don’t think anyone of importance would read this. I was looking at my followers list, and honestly I don’t think I’m even on talking-terms on 98% of them. So welp. This is more for me - maybe I’ll make it private but I guess there is a part of me that wants to reward whichever crazy person who figured out I have this Tumblr going.

As usual, I really would not have blogged if I weren’t going through something in life. And i am! And guess what, it is yet another boy problem! Haha what’s new really.

Long story short ever since I wrote on this blog - I had the biggest crush on my senior at work (he was kind of my boss I guess?) That did NOT work out and many nights were spent overthinking and stressing out. It was not a good year (2017). But it’s okay. I did not confront him, I did not say anything. We are still good friends to this day, so I’m at least thankful for that since my biggest reservation was losing him as a friend.

Anyway so a few months ago an old friend from college (I guess i’m at the age now when a college friend is considered ‘old’) slid into my DM. I don’t know if I’ve talked about him before on this blog, but eh. We were close in college, and something (you would already know what happened if you know me anyway) happened between us and I basically ghosted him, pretty badly. We reconnected again last year, even took a trip out to Joshua Tree, but I subsequently ghosted him again because I was still not over the other guy.

This time, we’re still talking though. It’s been... Almost 4 months since we reconnected? And between that time, he’s been on like a month-long vacation, I’ve gotten promoted, and we’ve made the incredible effort to meet up. For context, he’s based in SF. He’s flown down twice here to see me, and we were in Austin last weekend. And I’m going up to see him next weekend.

It feels weird typing all these up even though whoever knows me basically knows all the details by  now. But basically, I’m being torn by this situation. We have not done anything, or said anything. We’re just hanging out. With each other. Kind of a lot? And we text I guess. Even though I do feel like he is kinda drifting apart recently.. Which might or might not have been caused by my drunken confession last weekend. Which did not end well, but also I was maybe 6-7 tequila shots deep and so was he. So we decided to never speak of it again. Which does not work for me, since now that’s the only thing I am concerned of.

Truth be told, I don’t even know if I like “like” him. I like hanging out with him, and I feel like I can tell him anything without being judged. Which is a huge change from all the other guys, since I always feel like I need to put up a front with all of them to be the kind of version I think they would like. But with him, I’m pretty free to be myself, free from all pretenses. A nice change of pace. 

I guess i’m just writing all these because there literally isn’t a person in my life who doesn’t know about this and they’re probably sick af about me going on and on about it haha. So I have to overthink elsewhere, which is Tumblr! But my current short term plan is... Go up to SF (already bought the tickets....), and have a mature discussion with him before I leave. I think I owe it to myself to define the relationship and see where it is going, if it’s going anywhere. If not? I guess that’s fine, I hope we can still be friends because I do like hanging out with him. But who knows. For the first time in my life, I have an inkling that maybe, just maybe, this might actually work.

I guess I’ll keep this blog updated either way. The blog that’s been through me all these years deserves to know. 

Ok, good night. 

[teamvampireweekend]

Hold Up (”Rare Demo”) - Ezra Koenig & Diplo, 2014 (submitted by radiobey)

Ezra elaborates on helping Beyonce write and record Hold Up from Lemonade:

“People get really hung up on who wrote what. In some ways I served as like, the middle ground between the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Beyoncé, but it’s funny to think about — what does writing really mean? Of course I’m like, proud. I think I wrote a good hook, I think I had a good idea to like, riff on the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. But now when I listen back to the demo, it sounds different because she contextualized the song. She made this great video where she’s like, bashing windows and stuff. When I wrote that, it wasn’t directed at anybody, I was just songwriting. There are Vampire Weekend songs that have deep meaning to me, that are personal, but that one I was kinda songwriting. Like, ‘oh, this is a good hook.’ I wasn’t thinking about anyone in particular, and the idea that those words are now contextualized by this album, that video, by her as a performer and a curator—I like it! I think it has deeper meaning. Of course I feel some sense of ownership over what I did, but it doesn’t feel like my song. She really did bring a different resonance and meaning to it. It’s a very modern way of a song coming together… 99% of the world will hear those words and associate them with Beyoncé now.”

[reptilia]

[vegasdarcy]

I’ll lose everything before I lose Chuck all over again.

[tastefullyoffensive]

(via NateWantsToBtl)

[illfittingthoughts]

So many possibilities

To not be alone

[wtfzodiacsigns]

20 Interesting Facts About Cancer (Part 3)

1. cancer is one of the most supportive friends you will ever have

2. cancers never get enough sleep.. their sleep schedule is always crazy.. 

3. a cancer will have the same friends and the same playlist of music for years.. with maybe a few new editions here and there

4. cancers see their circle of friends as family

5. cancers like to feel included.. go out your way to invite them to…

Keep reading

[junk--of-the-heart-deactivated2]

[tastefullyoffensive]

I think it’s a Swanna. (via theamazinganglo)

[petyrbaelishs]

Sansa Stark + female influences ♦ requested by aliceofalonso

[thefloorshowofphx]

Rocky Horror themed wallpapers for you and your friends! Feel free to use.

[illfittingthoughts]

Parallel Lines

The worst thing about realizing that you are slowly falling for someone is the dull aching feeling at the back of your mind. In everything you do, you wonder what they’d think about it. You wonder what they’re doing when you’re not there with them. Also, as I’m typing this, I realize it is probably very creepy/stalkerish.

I can’t help it though. I’m not sure if it’s normal..? Because I’m always too afraid of telling people how I really feel because I don’t want them to think I’m weird about feeling so strongly about other people. 

I can’t even write anymore. I thought it’d be a little more cathartic, but I am honestly very tired and all I want is just for him to text me.. Lol. 

[inspiring-pictures]

Visit Inspiring Pictures for more Life Quotes, Moving On Quotes, Best Life Quotes, Letting Go Quotes, Enjoying Life Quotes and Depressing Quotes