Today it makes 10 years since I went inpatient. 10 years since I've been closer to death than to life. 10 years since life made no sense. 10 years since all that mattered was the number on the scale. 10 years since everything in my life had disappeared and all thar was left was the number on the scale and the calories. 10 years since I saw no future. 10 years since my family suffered. 10 since I gave up from everything that used to bring me happiness. 10 years I lost my personality. 10 years I disappeared, completely. It was just anorexia. 10 years since anorexia dominated me and controlled my entire life. 10 years ago anorexia was accomplising its ultimate goal, death. It is difficult to remain indifferent to this date.
But, it was also 10 years ago that the fight against anorexia began. Anorexia had taken over my life. 10 years ago I lost control. I needed help getting the battle started. I was forced to begin it. I started as a shadow dominated by anorexia. I came across health professionals who helped me start this battle, who still inspire me today. Psychiatrist, psychologist, nurses… They all got a place in my heart. Because every gesture, every word made so much difference and made me reborn little by little. I found personality traits that were long gone. And I was reborn, filling the void devastated by the disease.
The fight went on for more years… Because an eating disorder is a mental illness. It needs continued treatment like any other so-called "physical" disease. My family, my friends… I owe them so much for not giving up on me over the years, for not indulging in anorexia, which just wanted to push them away. For helping me dominate anorexia, and not the other way around.
Also 5 years ago I gave up on my dream. Five years ago I left college. 5 years since I didn't believe I was capable of anything. 5 years since I felt frustrated just for being myself. 5 years since I wouldn’t live a day without wanting to disappear. 5 years since my self-esteem and self-confidence had disappeared. 5 years I had no hope for the future. 5 years I thought I would have no future. 5 years that my life had lost its meaning again. 5 years I (almost) gave up on myself.
And what was taking over my life again? Anorexia. Because life lost its meaning, I had no interest on being myself. "She" took advantage again. The scale number and calories were gaining more and more sense again, and everything else was losing.
But, I didn't give up. Why? A simple conversation with a psychologist. This conversation made me take a decision, not giving up on myself and seek help. I went to a psychologist. The outcome? I was reborn. I was reborn again. This time more complete. A tough fight over the years. A fight I couldn't have done on my own. Never, I’m sure of it. I was fighting all this, learning strategies with the help of my psychologist. I was able to start working again. I realized that I was capable after all. I realized that life had some meaning after all and that it was worth living.
Today I have a boyfriend who made me grow so much and helped me overcome so many barriers that I put to myself and to whom I owe a lot. Without him I would not be the person I am today. Although, I couldn’t love him if I hadn’t work on myself before I knew him. But I did. So I love him.
Today I am a nurse. 10 years ago I would be nothing. 10 years ago I was going to die without reaching the number on the scale that anorexia made me want. 5 years ago I would never believe that I would finish my degree. 5 years ago would not have any success in life in every possible way.
Today I can say that I am happy. I work, I have social life, I can talk to people, I have a relationship, I work, I make my life without being dominated by negative thoughts, because I have been able to dominate them more and more, after years of struggle.
I needed to write something today, because all this made me who I am today, I'm not indifferent, I needed to look back. Remind that mental illness is as serious as any other kind of illness. Mental illness can lead to extreme suffering. It can lead to death. Mental illness can not be fixed just because, just by someone saying "let it go" or "you have to be strong", no. It takes professional help. And takes time. It is a constant struggle. It is a long process. But it's not impossible. You can find happiness again, be reborn again, live again. It's possible, no one should give up fighting for not having any kind of support and professional help, no one should miss the opportunity to feel happy again, no one!
There is hope, asking for help is necessary and it makes all the difference. And my life 10 years ago, is one of many examples of that. It's unfair the stigma towards mental health that still remains in our society, that keeps so many people away from finding themselves again..
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