She taught me “abracadabra” means “I create as I speak.” she taught me that bumblebees are soft and you can stroke them if you’re brave enough, she taught me that the white parts of grass are edible if you’re hungry enough, she taught me that anger’s just hurt if you listen hard enough.
the boy in the back of my class falls in love with me, he asks why i carry around a cape of my own sadness, i say, “poetry isn’t something you can run from,” he doesn’t get it because he only ever runs towards things in the way that hawks don’t really get why crickets keep jumping, he tells me, “lighten up,” i abracadabra and fold myself into a smile, i laugh like christmas bells, he thinks i’m sleigh ride, abracadabra, the graveyard in me turns into an avenue of palm trees
she teaches me abracadabra, she looks at me like the mirror glass in her is shattering, she abracadabras and ends up with her pretty mouth spilling last night’s vodka into my parent’s toilet, i hold her hair and watch as she speaks herself into being broken, i hold her hand, she teaches me that sometimes the words we say as jokes are just the truth hidden with a chuckle, i hold her back, she teaches me that sometimes the hardest thing is making someone live when they want to jump off a building
the boy in the back of class kisses me, he says he tastes misery on my tongue, i tell him, “but i just brushed though”, we laugh, i abracadabra, create as i speak somebody who isn’t cracked and crying and hopeless, i abracadabra, i don’t cry when he fucks me
she abracadabras too, she pulls a disappearing act
but somehow forgets
to bring herself back
the boy in the back of class tells me “you’ve gone so dark i’m honestly worried” the boy in the back of class tries to hold onto me because i’ve gone element, smallest building block of my own being, only parts and no functioning, the boy in the back of the class stares at me with those wide eyes that only ever run towards things and has never stared down into a grave and seen someone go missing, he says, “i’m scared”
i smile through these bloody lips, i whisper “abracadabra,” i create my sorrow as i speak
and endlessly, i dissolve in it.
