It becomes genuinely exhausting when you put so many of your feelings into one thing. Well, one person that is. I have felt like this before, don't get me wrong. Several times before actually. This feeling isn't new, and yet it feels like the first time, I think because it is so rare. It is so rare to feel this way, that when you do, your body just shuts everything else off and focuses all of its attention on this one person.
That is what is happening to me now, once again I feel like I am swimming in a pit of my emotions and I feel like if I don't get pulled out I'm likely to drown.
What has often been my salvation? Well, several things in the past have been known to cure. Binge eating brownies and listening to every Kelly Clarkson album is one. Another has been to drive to my favorite spot, weep uncontrollably in the car, and blast music. The third, and rarest form of salvation from this endless pool of feels, has only once in my life been a kiss. A moment that goes by so fast that at the time I wasn't sure what was happening, but now I can play back every second in my head.
For this particular moment that I am in, I have not yet been saved. I'm still treading water in the hopes that someone, well, a boy, will come to my rescue and reach out a hand and provide me with the form of salvation that, in the long run, will lead to less pain. I'm used to pain, I've dealt with it way too many times in my past. But (And I say this every damn time) this one feels different. Probably because it is different.
BJ: The same night I told him I liked him was the night he came out to me
JA: Was kind of a dick, an engaged dick
SH: Also, an engaged dick
SW: Turns out to be one of the coolest friends I could ask for, and if that's all we were forever and ever, I wouldn't change a thing
PR: Has some growing up to do. Cute? Yes. Mature enough? Meeeehhhhhhh.
That is all there has been since Taylor. And they all fit a similar, but very loose description. 'Taller than me, music lover, some facial hair, likes dogs'
SO now JW comes along...and changes the WHOLE damn game. TWO dates I have gone on in the past 6 months have been with guys shorter than me, and I hated both of them. Well, not at first, but they just turned out to not be for me. They were also both from the internet, so that changes things very drastically.
JW: Not from the internet. Good so far. Definitely a music lover. Awesome! Has expressed interest in dogs. Ok, ok. Facial hair? Check! Taller than me? Wellllll...not so much. Not only do I have a good 2 1/2 years on him, but I think I also have a good 4 inches on him. THIS leaves potential for concern. HOWEVER! I have recently decided that if the guy were to possess all qualities I look for in a man EXCEPT for something about his appearance...I really should just grow up and get over it. Age, no big deal at all.
After talking to my mother she reminded me that I am very much in the same situation she was. "Holy crap here is this kid that is younger than me but has his shit together like REALLY TOGETHER" It's a trap, and an easy one to fall into at that.
SO here's where things have been getting exhausting. I'm trying to play this whole thing VERY adult, and well, he's 19.
I want answers NOW and he is not answering my text. I say text. One text. One text that is EXAUSTING THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF ME. But I will stand my ground, I WILL NOT TEXT HIM AGAIN. I will see him on Monday, we can talk then...other than that...I feel very left out in the cold.
I feel very angry at certain people, and frustrated with the rest. I want it to be 4pm on Monday NOW. No, wait...I want it to be a week from now, or a month from now...I want to be at a place in time when my struggle to keep a float is over. I want to either be his girlfriend, or his friend, or neither...but I need to be one of these three things NOW, not stuck in limbo waiting to see which path to salvation I will be taking. I greatly fear pain, I mean, I always fear pain...but I also welcome it. I don't like being stuck like this, But I suppose, if the road to salvation ends with love...I shall continue to wait, and until then, I will lie on my back and just float.