I'm Just Trying to Get Through @imjusttryingtogetthrough - Tumblr Blog

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Life: Oh, so what you are saying is this is the absolute worse time to be meeting someone?

Me: Yea, so I'm really not looking for...

Life: *throws boy at my face hitting me in the eye*

Me: Ow! I mean thanks but I...

Boy: I'm funny, charming, and all around a great guy

Life: Loooool!

Me: Crap

Sometimes I need a solid reminder to cool the fuck off

They haven't found me yet? Mwahaha YES

Did I ever have a thing where I wanted to sleep with a comedian? Well ✅ Next? I'm an awful human Lemme just take over the world one dick at a time brb

To the thing that controls all the things in the universe...and otherwise.

Tonight I pray for a few things...because in life, what else do I have to cling to other than the slight bit of greed I am allowed.

I pray that my mother sleep well through the night, and that she wake with no pain or discomfort. I pray that she feels all the love that surrounds her, and that tomorrow be a bright and sunny day.

I pray that...well...I guess as far as Pat is concerned...let him be happy. What good is life, if we have to go through it unhappy, and if me just being a friend will make him happy, then so be it. But...If I were to be honest, part of me hopes that he could be happy with me. Maybe he doesn’t know right now...but maybe down the road, he could realize that I might make him happy...and that we could be together...and be really good together. I also pray, that if he only wants to be my friend, he finds the strength to say something about it to me. And I pray that I am strong enough to hear what he has to say...and grow from it. I pray that I don’t loose any sleep...or any heart...over him.

And lastly, for tonight...I pray that Julie and Thor be as blessed as two people could possibly be blessed. They deserve everything they get in this world, because not only are they good people, but they are beautiful humans, to both me and my family. Cherish them to your fullest ability, and see that they continue to lead the most plentiful life they can.

I pray for strength for myself and my family and the people around me, Amen.

When cute duded break up with their girlfriends and you are all like SWOOP!

Boy do I feel alone... I can see when you read my messages, I need a friend to talk to, and no one is answering.

Unfortunately for you, you don't realize how much of a fucking cunt you are being...

My best friends don't swear at me...none of them ever have. I don't want to keep someone in my life who curses at me and yells at me. The only time I will ever curse and yell at you is to just return the feelings.

And the worst part is that J is clearly giving her more attention than me. I mean...facebook status liking isn't really attention...but still!

I want to be able to text him and be like "UGH C IS BEING SUCH A BITCH" and then he can be all "wanna talk?" and I'd be like "Nah, but you could come over and give me a back rub to make things better!" And he be like "Onward to glory!" But no, she seems like a perfect little angel to everyone...everyone except me apparently.

I can't with all this. One week, one week until I can wish him a happy birthday and see what he fucking says...if anything, it's gonna be nothing, cause he's a tool bag.

AAAANNNDD we have both been staring at our facebook chats (i just know it) for 2 hours and not saying a word, and he goes and pulls this shit:

AND I'm just like

YUP...That was today...

You could talk to me if you wanted

I hope you realize that you are being the same flaky little fuck that all those girls have been to you. You are doing the same exact thing to me as they have done to you, and I only hope you can realize how completely idiotic you are being. Here is this gorgeous Woman standing right in front of you, trying to explain her feelings, and you are completely blowing them off. I hope one day you can mature and realize what a complete idiot you are being...so I wish you luck with that

Come now, surely we can be friends I know so much about you I love you Look at everything I've done for you You'd be nothing without me Why don't you answer me? I bet you're busy talking to some fucking slut Fucking skank... Is she hotter than me? Would you fuck me? Are you gay? You blocked me on Facebook And now you're going to die

Patrick is one of those friends that make day to day life a little more bearable. He says he's a bad listener, but that's not true. The best listeners are the ones who actually respond to everything you say rather than just give you "Mhm mhm" the whole time. He helps my confidence level go up, which is what I need. Today is a scary day...wish me luck

don't cave Don't Cave DON'T CAVE

Become part of the resistance! Don't give in! STAND YOUR GROUND DAMMIT!

I saw a spider, I didn't scream 'Cause I can belch the alphabet, just double dog dare me And I chose guitar over ballet And I'd take these suckers down 'cause they just get in my way

The way you look at me Is kinda like a little sister You high five your goodbyes And it leaves me nothing but blisters

So I don't wanna be one of the boys, one of your guys Just give me a chance to prove to you tonight That I just wanna be one of the girls Pretty in pearls and not one of the boys

So over the summer something changed I started reading Seventeen and shaving my legs And I studied Lolita religiously And I walked right into school and caught you staring at me

'Cause I know what you know But now you're gonna have to take a number It's okay, maybe one day But not until you give me my diamond ring

'Cause I don't wanna be one of the boys, one of your guys Just give me a chance to prove to you tonight That I just wanna be your homecoming queen Pin-up poster dream, not one of the boys

I wanna be a flower, not a dirty weed I wanna smell like roses, not a baseball team And I swear maybe one day You're gonna wanna make out, make out, make out with me Don't wanna be, don't wanna be, don't wanna be

'Cause I don't wanna be one of the boys, one of your guys Just give me a chance to prove to you tonight That I just wanna be one of the girls Pretty in pearls and not one of the boys

It becomes genuinely exhausting when you put so many of your feelings into one thing. Well, one person that is. I have felt like this before, don't get me wrong. Several times before actually. This feeling isn't new, and yet it feels like the first time, I think because it is so rare. It is so rare to feel this way, that when you do, your body just shuts everything else off and focuses all of its attention on this one person. That is what is happening to me now, once again I feel like I am swimming in a pit of my emotions and I feel like if I don't get pulled out I'm likely to drown. What has often been my salvation? Well, several things in the past have been known to cure. Binge eating brownies and listening to every Kelly Clarkson album is one. Another has been to drive to my favorite spot, weep uncontrollably in the car, and blast music. The third, and rarest form of salvation from this endless pool of feels, has only once in my life been a kiss. A moment that goes by so fast that at the time I wasn't sure what was happening, but now I can play back every second in my head. For this particular moment that I am in, I have not yet been saved. I'm still treading water in the hopes that someone, well, a boy, will come to my rescue and reach out a hand and provide me with the form of salvation that, in the long run, will lead to less pain. I'm used to pain, I've dealt with it way too many times in my past. But (And I say this every damn time) this one feels different. Probably because it is different. BJ: The same night I told him I liked him was the night he came out to me JA: Was kind of a dick, an engaged dick SH: Also, an engaged dick SW: Turns out to be one of the coolest friends I could ask for, and if that's all we were forever and ever, I wouldn't change a thing PR: Has some growing up to do. Cute? Yes. Mature enough? Meeeehhhhhhh. That is all there has been since Taylor. And they all fit a similar, but very loose description. 'Taller than me, music lover, some facial hair, likes dogs' SO now JW comes along...and changes the WHOLE damn game. TWO dates I have gone on in the past 6 months have been with guys shorter than me, and I hated both of them. Well, not at first, but they just turned out to not be for me. They were also both from the internet, so that changes things very drastically. JW: Not from the internet. Good so far. Definitely a music lover. Awesome! Has expressed interest in dogs. Ok, ok. Facial hair? Check! Taller than me? Wellllll...not so much. Not only do I have a good 2 1/2 years on him, but I think I also have a good 4 inches on him. THIS leaves potential for concern. HOWEVER! I have recently decided that if the guy were to possess all qualities I look for in a man EXCEPT for something about his appearance...I really should just grow up and get over it. Age, no big deal at all. After talking to my mother she reminded me that I am very much in the same situation she was. "Holy crap here is this kid that is younger than me but has his shit together like REALLY TOGETHER" It's a trap, and an easy one to fall into at that. SO here's where things have been getting exhausting. I'm trying to play this whole thing VERY adult, and well, he's 19. I want answers NOW and he is not answering my text. I say text. One text. One text that is EXAUSTING THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF ME. But I will stand my ground, I WILL NOT TEXT HIM AGAIN. I will see him on Monday, we can talk then...other than that...I feel very left out in the cold. I feel very angry at certain people, and frustrated with the rest. I want it to be 4pm on Monday NOW. No, wait...I want it to be a week from now, or a month from now...I want to be at a place in time when my struggle to keep a float is over. I want to either be his girlfriend, or his friend, or neither...but I need to be one of these three things NOW, not stuck in limbo waiting to see which path to salvation I will be taking. I greatly fear pain, I mean, I always fear pain...but I also welcome it. I don't like being stuck like this, But I suppose, if the road to salvation ends with love...I shall continue to wait, and until then, I will lie on my back and just float.

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