@imnotyogi - Tumblr Blog

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I don't come on tumblr a whole lot anymore, just randomly every few months out of curiosity. Sorry about not responding to messages. I feel slightly confused by social media at this point in life. I'm mostly on IG (nutellathehungryyo) if anyone wants to (re)connect. I also gave geese now and a pig!

Hey Liam it’s Sarah aka piecesofserenity just wanted to let you know I always think of you when I see Gillian Anderson and I’m always rooting for you

Hi Sarah! I was so happy to see this message. I actually saw something with Lee Pace the other day and thought of you. Hope all is well with you, Matt, and your families. All my best <3

I miss the mania from the first few days of being on wellbutrin. I know its not a sustainable way to be but I honestly enjoyed it a lot. On Tuesday itd be 3 weeks since starting and 1 week since starting 150mg. So I know its not completely there yet. I feel overall emotionally level compared to before. I’m not overanalyzing whether or not someone says hi to me or interacts with me in a different way. I kinda just dont care as long as its not someone being distant because I’m about to be pulled aside for something. At work, I think I’ve hit a wall on trying to have any kind of relationship with co-workers. I thought we were sorta closer than we turned out to be. Or how I’ve viewed the whole bullshit last month. Like, not one person asked me how I was. Not one person has asked me how I’ve been doing since. So fuck it. I dont have any desire to be friendly with them anymore. Only to keep it civil and work related. Ive asked them how they were when they seemed to be going through something. I mean, I’m not the easiest person or the most emotionally open but I have tried at least. I’m just tired. People seem fake as fuck. But I also think my feelings now is because I can place people on a pedestal somewhat at times. And I can put too much emotional importance on people who arent in a position to provide it. That’s definitely from all of the emotional neglect from my parents growing up. I’m looking for parental figures in my co-workers. I’m looking for all of the reassurance and affection that I’ve lacked my entire life. I grew up being sent to my room if I was upset about something and my parents only talked to me about anything that upset me twice. Two times in my life. When my cat died (and thats a whole other story) and when I told them they favored my brother. Otherwise it was always “he’ll get over it” and once I stopped showing I was upset then everything was back to being okay. Ive learned to hide it so maybe thats why no one thought i was going through anything last month. I don’t know.

I started Wellbutrin almost 2 weeks ago. Only at 75mg a day now but doubling it on Tuesday. The first few days felt like I drank a pot of coffee. I literally rearranged my entire house while singing ABBA but that energy has tapered a bit since. I feel leveled out but kinda muted but I think its because my emotions are normally disproportionate to whatever is going on. So feeling level is being muted. If that makes sense. I have more motivation at least.

imnotyogi

Been prescribed Wellbutrin. Will go to pick it up in an hour

imnotyogi

Only started it 5 days ago and already feel so much better.

Been prescribed Wellbutrin. Will go to pick it up in an hour

Last Wednesday I was coached on having body odor at work for most of June. Several people complained and I, apparently, didnt notice a damn thing, lol? Its been upsetting me ever since because it really confirms (in my lovely mind) that none of these people actually give a fuck about me. I’ve been semi candid with them about therapy, depression, suicide ideation, and some issues Ive been working on. And not a single one thought to ask me if I was okay since this was a sudden drop in hygiene. I could even accept a “you forget your deodorant there, Liam?!” on day one. I even cried afterward and said it was only talked about because no one likes me and people dealt with this other guys ass breath for years without a complaint to the higher ups. That no one cared enough to just ask me if I was feeling okay. Even the Friday of the week before, someone went running to a coworker to talk to her because she was acting out of character. They make me feel like I’m being crazy and dramatic for reaching the conclusions that I do when comparing how others act/react towards others vs how they are with me. I’m not fucking crazy or dramatic. I see how people show way more concern for other people than they do for me. I hate that I’m so damn bothered by this. Rationally, these are fucking coworkers so why should I care? But I still see how they are with other coworkers compared to me. I still see how I’m the odd man out no matter what. And I’ve been trying really hard to be more open and show more care and appreciation towards people. And its fucking crickets when it comes to concern being shown towards me. I wont get a follow up talk or anything either.

On the brightside of all of this it did finally get me to see about getting on medication.

In some ways it just feels like a set back and that I need to go back to shutting down around people.

Today I got a slight talking to as I was apparently rude to a new hire. She was reading the logbook, I tried to get her attention (twice) quietly, someone else tried to get her attention, then I got annoyed at some point and said “hello?!”. Apparently it was loud and rude. I dont even remember it tbh lol. The new hire ended up crying out of embarrassment and....I dont care? But it did send me on a rabbit hole of thoughts. Like how many times people (including one who spoke to me about this) have been rude to me and didnt seem fazed when I brought it up. Or laughed when someone made an insulting comment about me. And only gave a half ass apology after someone else mentioned it (oh the hypocrisy). I dont cry over this shit. I do stew on it and will dredge it up later tho. Then further down the rabbit hole I started thinking about all the times I feel like no one gives a fuck about me because of course I fucking do. I can literally talk about suicide ideation and its a “meh whatever” type of response if theres any response at all from these same people Ive known for years. I have these imaginary conversations that jump off from questions that I know will never be asked because in order to ask them a fuck has to be given and they just arent. A lot of times I worry what would happen to my animals if I were to die via any means. Thats it. Theres not a whole lot of people in my life and I’m so damn defensive that its hard for me to build or sustain any kind of relationship with people. Its very out of sight out of mind. My funeral would be pretty bare if I die before my parents/brother otherwise the state would bury me. I try to be nice and friendly and show I care about and appreciate people but when theres an opportunity to show the same towards me in a way that really matters to me it just doesnt happen. I honestly just want to be close enough to someone that I can cry in front of them and for them to just fucking hug me. I never allow for this type of shit. I shut down emotions and make jokes out of it and people are so damn convinced I dont like hugs. Im just not close to anyone to allow anything but some half ass one arm bullshit. I have to intellectualize shit all the time. Like today, one of the people who talked to me about all of this gave me lidocaine patches and tiger balm for my back. So I, intellectually, know thats a sign of giving a marginal shit. Thats a sign of consideration. But I also know it doesnt go that far. Its not that it doesnt matter but its also not something that really matters to me at the end of the day if that makes sense. Its not something that screams, “Id care if you died” tho i also realize its too much to ask for from someone that im not insanely close to. idk. i cant have one without the other but i dont know how to get either at the same time. But Im supposed to feel sorry because some rando cried? She started yesterday and saw how hectic mornings are and didnt have the wherewithal to notice someone literally standing right in front of her trying to get her attention. Like, she was reading a logbook about what happened on other peoples shifts. Its not that engrossing. Its just fucking stupid. I know things are probablymore annoying than normal because I’ve been working 6 days straight for the past several weeks and its hot as fuck but this is stupid. I could die tomorrow and not a single one of these people getting all butthurt about this would give a single fuck between them.

Ive been a lot more emotional lately when, in the past, I’d just get angry or annoyed at the same things. Like when I hear other people get invited out at work, I just feel sad about it. Ive been trying harder to be more open and generally likeable but feel like I’m just....fundamentally unlikeable? I try to intellectualize it with even if I was invited I wouldnt want to go and how I’m not actually that close to these people or how I dont relate to a lot of things that they do (specifically being a parent). The recent invites Ive heard were kid related i believe. Its just a bit disappointing in a somewhat irrational way.

I keep forgetting Tumblr exists.

I also keep developing infatuations with married coworkers so thats fun.

So fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Im so annoyed by a lot of things but trying to keep perspective on shit too which is exhausting. I take things so personally and fail to realize people have their own lives going on. I think I’m into unattainable women because it stops me from being flat out rejected lol. Like, they totally would go for me if it wasnt for that darn husband and kids aw shucks

Yesterday, with some coworkers, I talked a little about some intrusive thoughts (specifically harming my parents as a teen) and suicide ideation. I think it freaked them out. I mean, why wouldn’t it, I guess? My default response is to crack jokes and awkwardly laugh so that didnt help. Later on I did attempt to elaborate and assure them that I’m not plotting to kill anyone, including myself. But I have a feeling they may want to talk to me tomorrow (today is my day off). They do know Im in therapy and have commented on how much better I seem to be doing though.

Its fun when you realize just how “bad” youve been when people start pointing out “how much better” you are

Fun part about therapy is learning that I dont really know who I am, lol. In a lot of ways I think I may be closer to my “real” self online vs out in the real world. I’m so defensive IRL but, obviously, the internet is a defensive thing in its own way as well. I think my cynicism/pessimism was just learned. Just as my passiveness was.

Tonight I was journaling and thought of my childhood cat who died when I was 10 and how parents dont think kids are going to wise up to their bullshit at some point. My cat, Tiger, was presumably poisoned by a neighbor. He came home and was breathing heavy and lethargic. I wanted to take him to the vet but my dad said he called and that the vet left when the clinic closed. As an adult I know this to be bullshit because every vet Ive had or heard of stays late and theres emergency clinics around. Tiger died later that night. This is literally the only time I can remember being emotional and my dad actually trying to comfort me. He kept saying he was sorry but nothing could be done. Now, as an adult, I know poisonings can be treated (idk about how well in 1997 tbf) but I know he couldve had a more humane death even if he couldnt be saved. I also know about these things called credit cards. They let my cat suffer for hours to save like $50. In doing so, forever damaging my view of them. Theres other shit too like them paying my brother to let a ferret go in the woods and purposefully leaving the door open so another one could get out. Knowing they would most likely die either from the elements, predators, or starvation. I cant abide by animal cruelty. I dont want people in my life who not only think its okay to do this shit to animals but also dont care about the effect it has on their children. I still feel anger about this shit but I’m more accepting that its the past. I cant change it. I just dont want these people in my life. I havent seen either parent since May 2019 and only spoke to my mom once since then because she called my work.

I have no desire to. I don’t mourn losing their relationship. I mourn never having one with them in the first place. I guess thats been a strange thing to finally accept.

Self care is weird. Like, as a kid I couldn’t do anything without my parents’ permission or them giving me the money to buy a snack or something. As an adult I still feel a twinge of guilt for doing or buying anything I enjoy. There’s the pragmatic stuff like “can I afford this” but, in the past few months, Ive realized I talk myself out of A LOT of shit. Small shit. Like getting new towels. Literally. I couldnt even buy an $8 mainstays towel without convincing myself that I really *need* it. Its bizarre and unhealthy. For my birthday I bought furniture I actually wanted, a laptop (my old one was almost 15 years old), and took a short trip to Tennessee. The TN trip was paid in cash (I had a really nice bonus beforehand) and the furniture/laptop on credit. Quite literally before then none of my furniture cost more than $30. The most expensive things I owned were 2 bookshelves (got both for $30) everything else was free or severely marked down or just cheap shit (ie lamps). Part of me thinks this is silly but at the same time I realize you have to enjoy your surroundings. Im slowly making this house into an area I enjoy looking at and not just treat as utilitarian. Why should I feel guilty for buying a fucking dresser? Or buying a cool little nic nac for my birthday? In TN I bought 2 raven bookends for $50 and an owl skeleton (not real) wearing a top hat while standing on a book for about $30-$40. Along with a bunch of books and a painting. Things I simply enjoy looking at and that reminds me of a nice little trip. Theres no reason to feel guilty over being nice to yourself or weird about being nice to others for that matter.

I also need to go clothes shopping. Ive always hated it but I only have one pair of pants I actually wear anywhere. Not counting the pair I use for hiking. Im not even joking either lol. Self care!

I feel like I finally accepted that I’m the most important factor in my happiness and productivity. I don’t mean it in a “choose to be happy” ladida hippy type of way but, like, do what you need to do in order to take care of your own mental well being. Therapy, medication, pep talks in the car on the way to work, general self care, journaling, whatever the fuck you need. I’m doing all except medication at this point. I’m honestly not even sure if I’m actually naturally pessimistic, I was raised around that mindset and it continued into adulthood. I’m undoing all of this bullshit. My parents were always skeptical of someones generosity or bemoaned if someone else got “more” or “better”. I found myself doing the same or wondering why should I do something nice for someone when someone else got more than me. Or if a present was more expensive than the one I received. Just finding the negativity in absolutely anything. Im not saying I dont get twinges of these feelings or anything, thats not going to happen overnight but it hasnt been dominating lately.

Ive had somewhat of a realization that certain things have not bothered me as much (if at all) when 6 months ago they wouldve drove me up the wall. Like today I found out co-worker(s) have gone back to my shitty manager and said I said XYZ. I have my own issues and have been working on them a lot and understanding how everything is interconnected. Like we can say shit is in the past but past shit DOES have an effect on how we handle current shit. This isn’t explaining things well but its been so...freeing in a lot of ways. So much crap from childhood comes up and I’m like..”OH SHIT thats why I reacted that way!” Or whatever the case is. Its been very revelatory. I’m also being more conscious of self care and all that so its helping a lot.

For context: a few months ago a majority of employees went to the big boss about how shitty our manager is and 3 people (myself included) ended up filing official grievances against her. Shes since been basically isolated from most employees. I shit talked that I couldnt wait for her to be fired or something. It got back to her recently and shes being petty about it. Basically doing some of the same shit that got her reprimanded a few months ago.

Its not all that upsetting, its just pathetic how people twice my age are being so petty and two-faced to cozy up to a shitty boss for whatever reason they think they have. Me talking shit (which these people have also done) at some point does not change the fact that Im doing my job well. I still wouldn’t miss this manager and I still feel in the right about my stance on her. Shes just terrible. Inconsistent policies, favoritism, gossips about employees, shitty communication, illogical decisions, etc etc etc etc. Even this shit is almost using employees as spies, creating a divide and fueling animosity. Shes made numerous employees cry and customers have refused to deal with her because of her attitude. A room full of people did not tell her boss how crappy she is for giggles. And now she wants to be pissy that I said I want her gone? Stay mad. Im not the only one. I have better things to worry about.

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