The Life Update No One Asked For đ§Ź
As I have stated before on my blog, I was struggling with school, all the while trying to manage my mental illnessâ. Thank you for your responses and advice, it really helped me !
I have decided to take a leave of absence from my University. This means, I am temporarily not in school at the moment. During this time off, I originally planned to get my mental health on track, but things have not been going in that direction. My OCD has gotten worse. It is now to the point of where no one can touch me without me feeling the need to profusely scrub my skin âcleanâ.Â
My family members know about this and are very frustrated by my actions. As I have mentioned before, I asked my mother if I could go back to therapy. She still does not believe that I need to talk to someone about my problems in order to get better. She is firm on believing that I need to not think about things and keep busy so my problems wonât exist.Â
I previously stopped going to therapy because I mentioned some things about my life that I was trying to work through with my therapist, but she wanted me to elaborate. When I told her that I was uncomfortable saying more than I already had, she still pressed. So I terminated my therapy sessions because I knew that the next session would be full of her trying to coax out things that Iâm uncomfortable talking about. I know now that because I was a minor at the time, legally she was probably obligated to do something. However, in the situation, I knew that I was not ready to fully open up about certain things. For this reason ^ I understand if my mother doesnât trust that I would stay in therapy if I started having sessions again.
What hurts the most is that in all of the times that I have been in therapy, my mother was never the one to start the process of booking sessions. She was always the one telling me that she didnât believe that I needed something like that. Itâs awful because she was almost always the one to terminate my sessions because she didnât like the therapist. I only got into therapy the times before because someone else in my family overheard the conversations and took it upon themselves to help me.Â
Yes, I am legally an adult, but I am not financially independent. I do not have a source of income and I do not have my own form of transportation. Everything that I do, I have to do it through my parents.Â
The other day I tried to talk to my mother about how suicidal I had been recently. She started telling me that I was fine minutes ago, so why was I acting like that ? I was telling her that this situation is also apart of my problem. I have intense mood swings that can last for an hour or a few minutes and I have no idea why sometimes. Something âsmallâ could happened and because of that I want to die. She didnât want to hear it though. She started deflecting the conversation. When I called her out on deflecting the conversation she would say that she wasnât, then continue to deflect the conversation. I honestly donât know whatâs so hard about providing reassurance and comfort to your kid thatâs trying to be open and honest. My whole life, all I ever wanted to hear from her is that sheâs here for me, that sheâs sorry that Iâm feeling this way, that even though she doesnât understand, she still wants to help me in anyway that she can.
Instead, whenever I ask to start therapy, sheâll bring up financial issues. Or sheâll tell me that sheâs had problems in her life and she didnât need therapy to fix them (she still most definitely needs help with her problems). The thing is, when I was in middle school (year 6-8) I reached out to her about my problems. I told her that I think trying therapy would work. She told me no because she cared more about possible employees seeing that I was in therapy or diagnosed with something and then them not wanting to hire me because of it. I remember asking her if she cared more about my indefinite future rather than trying to help me get into a place where I wasnât starving myself and wishing I were dead? I donât remember her ever giving me a direct answer. I only remember her talking about how I would regret ruining my future or how If I were to kill myself I would go to hell.Â
Moral of the story is, I want comfort and reassurance the most. I feel like sitting here and letting my problems get worse (depression, EDâs, OCD etc.) is not the best idea. I would love to hear from my mother that she cares and will try to help me in any way. If money really is a problem right now, then of course I understand why I canât sign up for therapy at the moment. However, she is known to bring that into conversations that she just doesnât want to have even if we are well off. Iâd really rather her sit me down and tell me the reason why she never wants to listen to me when I am trying to explain how certain things are getting worse. I want to know why it makes her so upset, when I ask why she deflects the conversation. I want to why itâs so hard for her to give me a bit of comfort.Â
