I'm venting tumblr, dont delete me gddyhvsey

SW: 163 - CW: 138 - xGW1: 150x - xGW2: 140x - GW3: 130 - GW4: 120 - GW5: 110 - UGW: 100

[fueled-by-vanity]

Ugh-

I missed tumblr so much

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

There was this picture going around and they were like "everyone with an eating disorder needs to see this" so I looked.

It was a dead girl hunched over a toilet, and they talked about the autopsy and how her stomach splits open and had stretched too much.

So all of last night I was terrified that was happening.

That doesnt fucking help, go to hell.

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

1 hr 30 min 100 oz of water and now I get to be done for the night. It says you can also drink 20 oz or something every 2 hrs after, but I dont know man.

Another issue, I want to order pizza and eat a lot, but you're supposed to eat healthily.

Mushroom pizzas healthy, right?

I jest, I jest.

Unless... 👀

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

My face rly said colour options OFF

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

Me, an idiot: *drinks 60oz of water in 50 minutes*

Me: oh

Me: oh no

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

Is this safe? It smells like piss and I'm Concerned TM

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

Gonna detox, not specifically for weight loss, but I mean if that also happens I definitely won't be complaining

Now, I may complain about what a bitch this is about to be tho-

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

My feet be fucking cold man

[cup-of-perfection]

favourites from my eating disorder playlist

(the order is random, i like all the songs the same)

1. unsteady — x ambassadors 2. paper bag — fiona apple 3. mrs. potato head — melanie martinez 4. idontwannabeyouanymore — billie eilish 5. lovely — billie eilish, khalid 6. everything i wanted — billie eilish 7. skinny love — birdy 8. bruises — lewis capaldi 9. dying to be thin — no frills twins 10. scars to your beautiful — alessia cara 11. teen idle — marina 12. bittersweet tragedy — melanie martinez 13. i’ll be good — jaymes young 14. panic room — au/ra 15. skin and bones — marianas trench 16. sweater weather — the neighbourhood

note — some of the songs may not be completely ed related, but i listen to them when i feel bad about myself, so i’ve put them here

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

So puking, huh.

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

APPARENTLY if you restrict your hair will fall out, and APPARENTLY this fact has not changed no matter how many times I end up restricting.

And thus, my hair is falling out.

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

Me: *concerned about my weight*

Me: *sees a post and I'm at that person's recovered weight*

Me: ahaha, fuck

[thinappeal]

here’s a cool concept:

me, but 50lbs lighter

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

5 lbs in 23 days let's GOOOOO WOOOO

LIKE

I HAVEN'T BEEN UNDER 140 IN A LONG ASS TIME

WOOOOOO

<dont reblog>

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

Seem to be losing a pound a week, currently at 142 and I feel like I'm looking fucking fly as hell rn my dudes

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

I was doing better. And then I had access to a scale. No big deal, no big deal.

But I knew I'd be able to weigh myself again. And I'd feel incredible if the number would be lower by the next weigh in. And it's still getting lower.

I need to fight it and get better and do better and be better, but honestly? I still want someone to "save" me. Im still wanting to be the main character of a wattpad fanfiction, complete mess and messing up again and again, trying to kill myself and starve myself and hurt myself, but it's all fine because look! Someone is here to put all the effort I'm lacking into my recovery! And they'll help me and save me and all will be well because they'll never leave me alone, and if i do fuck up and try to kill myself they'll always reassure me it isnt my fault, and that they'll love me no matter what and that I'm the most important thing in the world.

That isn't real.

That isn't reality.

A relationship of any kind, romantic or not, is built by two people who enjoy being together. It shouldnt be that you rely on that person to survive. It should be you're around that person because you want to be.

You are the only person who can save yourself.

[imsickbutnotsickenough]

5 pounds in 20 days.

And honestly? I can't tell if that's an accomplishment at all or if it's easy to do for other people.