I'm waiting for the night to save us

[imwaitingforthenighttosaveus]

16 more weeks

[imwaitingforthenighttosaveus]

Also, my grandpa told me that I gained a lot of weight last semester (WHICH I KNOW) and that over break I look like I lost a lot. which may be true but because I went through at least two weeks where I hardly ate at all and was extremely sad and depressed, a great new diet and cleanse! 

[imwaitingforthenighttosaveus]

It’s the second day of the semester and I already feel extremely overwhelmed and stressed and like I have too much to do. I just wish I had mike to talk to about all this but he won’t talk to me. I think that he is still scared of wanting me back so he’s refusing to see me so he won’t have to feel that. I think? I’m not really sure what he wants. I know that I still honestly want him and that I would definitely wait for him. That’s what I want, but if that’s not what he wants I really need to know so I can begin rebuilding me and only me. I would wait faithfully for the guy I love for two and a half years if he just told me he knew he wanted me then and always. This is so hard, I still feel like a piece of me is missing and something is wrong in my world. He said he felt like he wasn’t supporting me enough and I thought he was right, but honestly, I feel worse now, like I did have support before just knowing he was always there for me and now I feel really alone. I keep having nightmares of him being really mean to me and saying awful things that remind me of things T would say to hurt me. I dreamed he told me I wasn’t his friend anymore, and he listed my closest friends as his friends only and then things like a dusty eraser is more his friend than I am. I know that seems really weird and not hurtful but in my dream mind it was devastating and I woke up shaking and terrified. I’m hoping hoping that he’s just afraid because he still loves me and wants to be with me but I can’t be sure. I think it’s the not knowing about everything that hurts so much, not knowing how he feels about be honestly, not knowing if we’ll get back together, not knowing if I’ll be okay. I really want to know how he feels about me, if he loves me like he did, if he just wants to be friends, if he still wants me in his life and to what specific extent, and if he wants me to wait for him and if he thinks/wants us to get back together eventually. I am just in so much pain and I want it to fucking end one way or another I can’t deal with all this shit on top of this shitty stressful semester i just wont make it through, somethings gotta give and at this point it looks like its gonna be me that gives. 

[imwaitingforthenighttosaveus]

I need someone to save me 

[imwaitingforthenighttosaveus]

Get excited, it’s honesty hour !! Okay so I feel like I have a lot inside me and I need to get it out and I don’t really want to lash out at Mike because he honestly doesn’t deserve that even if he’s being an asshole to me. So, if what he told me is true and he still loves me and still wants me to be in his life he has a shitty way of showing it. and maybe he’s just hurting and that’s why he doesn’t want to see me, but I think he need to figure out what the fuck he really wants and tell me so I know what to do you know. I can’t sit around forever, dragging out the pain, if he never wants to see me again. I don’t want all the great memories I have of us to get ruined by this frustration. I keep trying to talk to him, and to get him to see me and he’ll agree and then blow me off and I don’t really get it. I think I just really need to meet with him and we need to talk about what we both want and what our expectations are going to be and what the future holds for us. I think that it would be best if we could spend time together while he’s home because we’ve always been friends (even though I always liked him??) and then when he goes to school I won’t bother him and we can just check in a few times to make sure the other is still alive you know. And then he’ll come back for the summer and we can hang out again and maybe reevaluate what he wants from me. I don’t really want to wait forever if he doesn’t want or think we’ll get back together, I think it would be too painful to wait for 2 and a half years and then have him leave for good anyway. but I know I can’t wait that long if we don’t ever see or talk to each other. What I really want is for him to change his mind in a few weeks and for us to get back together together. I honestly love him more than anything and I’ve been reading my old posts about him and it just proves how I feel about him, I just want to know honestly how he feels about me. I really really just want him back. None of my life feels real anymore and I feel like I’m floating and I don’t have any gravity. I also wish I knew how to tell him how I feel and how to get him to tell me how he feels (not what he ‘thinks’ will be best). Please send help.

[imwaitingforthenighttosaveus]

So it’s Christmas and I feel like I can honestly say this is the worst holiday so far in my life. Literally every single thing is wrong right now and there’s probably nothing I can do to fix it. Great Nonna didn’t come for Christmas and neither did Drew & Gene, I can’t remember the last time they didn’t come for Christmas. Nonna’s white blood cells are scary low. I haven’t seen Mike in a week since we broke up? This feeling is so strange, like I’m losing him but not by choice really? I think he feels like this is his only option which makes me really sad and it makes my heart hurt for him, like I couldn’t do enough that this ended up happening. I feel so so weird that I haven’t seen his family, I was so excited to help Katie make a tshirt quilt and there were so many things I wanted to do. I wanted  to go to zoolights, I wanted to go look at people’s Christmas lights, there’s a bunch of movies I wanted to go see, I wanted to play video games and board games and finish the Pokemon puzzle and the Zelda game, watch AHS and cooking shows, catch a santa Pikachu, and on and on and on. Honestly it’s such an empty feeling, having the one person in the world you want to talk to and see and do things with suddenly say they don’t want you around anymore and knowing you won’t get to do any of the things you’ve been looking forward to. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time and if I had made different choices none of this would have happened. Like when a year ago after my second school of music rejection I seriously considered moving to Flagstaff to just be with Mike and go to school there because I have no idea what I’m doing here. and I decided I didn’t need to because things were okay and I just needed to get a degree and then Mike would be back and life could really start. I feel weird and sad about his Christmas presents and how hard I worked since November and how they’re just sitting in my room because he won’t see me. I just can’t stop thinking about everything we’ll miss together. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand where he’s coming from and why he made this choice, I just don’t think his solution is the best one and I don’t think this should happen. But I have no idea how to get him to see my point of view. I just feel like my whole world is completely upsidedown and tumbling down a hill into a pit of fire sort of. It took me four days to eat real food again, I still can’t sleep without the tv on and I’m still having trouble sleeping and nightmares. I feel sick every time my phone buzzes hoping it’s him. I definitely do not feel happy at all. I’m exhausted from trying so hard the past two days to seem happy for everyone for Christmas. It’s just so damn hard, and loving someone this much should not be so hard and it sure as hell should not hurt like this. I still cry every day multiple times and I constantly don’t want to do anything, but when I sit around I just get more upset. I’m honestly not really sure what to do, I definitely don’t want to continue feeling like this but I don’t know if it’s too close to Christmas and I really don’t want to hurt my family even though I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’m just not myself, I’m hardly a person at all. Everything is wrong, everyone is missing. The only thing that has kept me going throughout my hellish college experience is Mike and knowing that he would be home eventually and that everything would be okay then. and now that I don’t have that I don’t know if I want the rest of this messed up life. Not to be crude or anything, just being honest. It doesn’t feel worth it right now. I’ve just got a little bit of hope left in my because Mike said if his plan doesn’t work, we can go back to dating (I think), or when we’re done with school we could maybe get back together (which seems, just based on time, unfortunately unlikely to be successful). So I’m really fucking hoping that sometime in the middle of the semester, I’ll get that call that says he fucked up and he loves me and wants me back. I need him to be at least a part of my life, I feel like part of me is being forcefully removed and I am no longer whole, or me. I know it seems really dramatic, but this is honestly the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. Even with the abusive bullshit from thomas, this hurts so much more. and you know blah blah blah “it hurt because it mattered”, I know I know but loving someone this much should not be this painful, I honestly still believe we are meant to be together (and so does my mom btw) but if we’re gonna quote John Green in this mess “Love is keeping the promise anyway” and I seriously need that to be true right now. I feel completely and utterly lost and struggling to find something to hold onto before I drown, by choice or by force. 

[imwaitingforthenighttosaveus]

okay im also gonna make a mike post because i miss him so much and i need to be reminded of the good times. first of all, how long he waited for me. sure he dated other girls and i dated other guys but he was always there to be my friend when i needed him and to love me when i realized it. sometimes i get really upset that i missed out on so much time with him but i think it may have been and okay thing because i realized what i didnt want and what i deserved and i learned about myself too. i think its crazy how he is always so positive. i struggle so much and i have a hard time sharing that with him, but he has helped me so much even if i still feel like im in a bad place, it could be so much worse without him. and no its not that “i cant live without him he makes me so happy” stuff its that hes helping me teach myself to be happy with myself first so that i can be a better person. something else great is when we watch horror movies. i used to want to watch horror movies so i could be close to him before us because i liked him so much and i wanted the excuse. but now it such a part of us as a couple and i love it. we also used to have tickle fights but i really just wanted him close again. but we still do that, especially when one of us is sad or upset. and the fact that we can play games together and i get so upset and he always says its okay. hes always there. except when hes at school. theres so much of our relationship thats based on us being together and doing things together that the radio silence drives me crazy. i worry and i miss and i dont know what to do, sometimes i get angry but i know thats not going to help anything but i cant help it. i know hes busy i understand that obviously, hes doing what he loves and how could i say anything about that. i just wish i heard from him more and he had a little more time to put towards me everyday. is that even fair to ask. im not really sure what to do except keep going. i think sometimes im jealous of other couples and the things they get to do together and it makes me feel really shitty that im jealous but i hope in the end itll all be worth it. i saw something the other day that i really want to tell him but im not sure how, it really stayed with me. that just because were young its not bad it just means we can love each other a little longer. 

[imwaitingforthenighttosaveus]

Back again, I was thinking maybe if i write more often, i wont explode. so right now im super stressed about school. ive figured out that math is really stressful and since i dont enjoy it, ill use any excuse to get out of doing it even though i want it done and over with so bad. but the fact that i cant do it is even more stressful. i find that i will do the work for the classes i find interesting or that i just like. which seems like bs right, like im in college shouldnt all the classes im taking being interesting? but no who knows, i think again that everything would be easier if i knew what i wanted to do so i could take those interesting classes and not interesting classes but i would at least feel like my hard work would be paying off. i feel a knot in my stomach when i think about everything i need to do but i still have trouble finding the motivation to do it and im not sure where that comes from. i wish i had more time and more motivation to get all this shit done. maybe im just sad but i cant tell. ill keep you posted.

[imwaitingforthenighttosaveus]

Okay so I’m back, and I realize that this post may be a bit similar to my last but apparently this is when I need to get my thoughts out the most so let’s just do it anyway. Let’s start with how I have no fucking idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. how scary is that. i have my entire life ahead of me and i have no clue what direction im going to go. its terrifying. and then maybe i start to wonder if it would just be better if i didnt have my whole life ahead of me to worry about. but i dont want to hurt everyone. sometimes i wish things were different so i didnt have to think about everyone else before myself. but then maybe thats my problem. im trying to please everyone when i should just do what i want. except that all that i know i want is mike so how do i turn that into a career right. i just wish i had someone who could tell me what im meant for and what i should focus on. im so fine when i can focus on something and have an end goal i am really fucking good at that. what i am not good at is floating in this werid state of trying to figure out what im “passionate” about and it all just sounds like bullshit and i feel like im drowning in it. i wish i had any artistic skills at all because i have so much art inside me and no way of letting it out. why did i start out in the art school anyway? who was i kidding? probably myself honestly. i just want everything to be perfect i want mike and i to be perfect and for our lives together to be perfect. nobody understands not knowing what to do, i just wish i didnt have to decide i want to skip the next two and a half years to the part where mike is home and we have a home and we can be together and that can be enough. i miss him so much my heart hurts so all i can do is try not to think about it but i need more of him in my life and i know that hard because hes so busy and its not really fair of me to be upset about that because he is following his dream and here i am sitting on my ass watching trash tv and crying about it all. i just cant tell him im depressed or scared or anything while hes gone because its not fair and i dont want to put that burden on him but i want him to come home and i want to tell him but i still feel like i cant because he cant fix it and he wouldnt understand. its hard, i want him to know and to support me and fix me but i dont want to be the one to tell him. how fucked up is that. im also too scared of losing him to tell him. what happens if he decides he doesnt want me anymore, or that hed rather have one of the talented girls at nau, what about us, what about me? i get too jealous i know but i cant help it, i feel like im with the person im meant to be with and i dont want to lose that, itd be like being ripped in half. hes cute and funny and so smart and talented, he cares so much and he just gets me more than any person ive ever met. i cant help feeling like were meant to be together. i cant picture a future for me that hes not in and that is scary. on another overall note, i cant tell if im depressed or just major-less and my boyfriend has been gone too long. so that where im at right now. 

until next time

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[oliive-you-blog]

[imwaitingforthenighttosaveus]

Okay so I’m pretty sad but what’s new, I’m worried that I’m depressed and I’m just in denial about it, struggling my way through everything. I don’t want to tell Mike because he is the most positive and happy person I know and I don’t know if he would understand and I think I would hurt him because he would want to help and I’m not sure he can. He definitely makes me happy, I love him to bits and I really truly want to spend me whole like with him, I can see it and I love it. I’m only worried that he wouldn’t understand my sadness and he would get frustrated when he can’t fix all of it. I told him I was broken but he doesn’t think so. I’m worried I’m going to lose him. I love him so so much. I don’t know what I would do without him. Sometimes I wonder if things would be better if I wasn’t around, but he is something that keeps me strong and gives me a real reason to try hard to stick around. I’m just not really sure if I should say anything. Also my feelings are pretty hurt by him right now and he’s gone so I’m not in the best position to talk about my feelings.