Shitpost Central

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Jenny: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire??

Jack: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔

Cliff: Why were you microwaving a lemon???

Jack: I read boiling lemons helps cover up up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots.

Billy: Did you burn an orange too? How???

Jack: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔

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Mack: So... what’s goin’ on?

Billy : You want the long version or the short version?

Mack, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?

Billy : Shit’s fucked.

Mack: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.

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Jenny: Hello Billy , made anyone cry today?

Billy : Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.

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Mack: I couldn't do this without you, Jack.

Jack: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course.

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Cliff: Hey, did you know as a kid I accidentally ate paper?

Jenny: I feel like we've all done that at least once.

Jack: I ate it too-

Jenny: See?

Jack:: -On purpose...

Cliff & Jenny: ...What?

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Jack: *watching their house burn down*

Jack:

Jack: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

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Cliff: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?

Jenny: wHat?

Cliff: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.

Jenny: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?

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Jack: Time for plan G. Jenny: Don’t you mean plan B? Jack: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties. Cliff: What about plan D? Jack: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. Mack: What about plan E? Jack: I’m hoping not to use it. Billy dies in plan E. Billy: I like plan E.

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Jenny: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me Cliff: Okay, but in my defense, Jack bet me 50 cents I couldn’t drink all that shampoo. Jenny: That’s not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!

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Jenny: Cliff, I'm sad. Cliff: *Holds out arms for a hug* It’s going to be okay. Jack: Billy, I'm sad. Billy, nodding: mood.

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Jack: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos. Jenny: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard. Billy: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos? Cliff: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

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Mack: I think we should adopt another kid.

Bing: No.

Mack: Why?

Bing: Because by “kid” you mean “frog”, and we already have 24 of those.

Mack: [unzips his jacket] Make that 25.

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Billy: What are you two eating?

Robbie: Robbie made soup

Mack: He melted down mayonnaise and added cheese

Billy: Why didn't you stop him? why are you eating it??

Mack: He was so proud of it. I didn't want to discourage him. my chest hurts but look at how happy Robbie is!

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Jenny, setting down a card: Ace of spades!

Cliff, pulling an Uno card: Draw 4!

Jack, pulling out a Pokemon card: Pikachu, I choose you!

Billy: What the fuck are we even playing?!

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Jack: [Calling 911]

Jack: Hey I hate to be that guy, but I glued myself to the ceiling again. 

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Jack: If you had to separate your frog from 49 other identical frogs that were all equally excited to see you, how would you determine which frog was yours?

Mack: I would take my 50 frogs home and live like a king.

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Chase: I drink to forget, but I always remember.

Billy: You’re drinking a capri sun.