mostly dead, but maybe not all dead
Some life stuff has happened and upset the balance.
I'm working on it, but SC2 reached an inflection point b/w stress and fun, and It's just on the wrong side lately.
Peter Solarz
Today's Document
noise dept.
One Nice Bug Per Day
trying on a metaphor
🩵 avery cochrane 🩵

Kiana Khansmith
Claire Keane
Not today Justin
Misplaced Lens Cap

⁂
sheepfilms
$LAYYYTER
occasionally subtle

shark vs the universe
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me

ellievsbear
🪼

if i look back, i am lost
TVSTRANGERTHINGS

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@incredibleanxiety
mostly dead, but maybe not all dead
Some life stuff has happened and upset the balance.
I'm working on it, but SC2 reached an inflection point b/w stress and fun, and It's just on the wrong side lately.
I have dug a number of limbic trenches, mental pathways that lead to stress and anxiety. I have a mixed (but steadily improving) record on substances, especially food. And if I allow the book and my writing to become a proxy for myself, as a sort of external version of my identity, I’m in trouble. But if I let these things be products, if I let them exist outside of me, don’t worry how people react to them, just let what wants to happen, happen—well, then I stand a chance of doing good work, without having to disgorge that work from myself seppuku-style using a rusty sword with a hilt of guilt and a dull blade forged from procrastination. That is, I need to make writing something besides a daily referendum on my worth as a human. Which it has become, for reasons.
Substitute "Starcraft" for "writing" and this is eerily accurate.
Yeah, it's just a game. And writing is just typing, putting one word in front of the other.
there is still a pulse
Just not a very good one.
I was on out of town from last Friday until Tuesday. Then I caught a cold, which was awesome. I stayed home sick on Thurs and Fri consequently, and basically felt like doing not a single goddamn thing.
It's performance review time at work so uh yeah I didn't have time to do the games-ing last night or tonight. I did some practice games tonight but it was just way too close to bedtime for me to expect to get any sleep.
Tomorrow night I'm going to a concert and won't be back until late.
Maybe Thursday night? I've got a ridiculous bonus pool.
But I think I want to revise my attitude. Again.
Under the assumption that this is a marathon and not a sprint, maybe it should be something like "I play Starcraft for a year." The underlying reason: I think I want to take my focus off of my league.
I've held to the belief that it will increase as I improve, and that I ought to focus on improvement. But if the way I've been tilting hard whenever I play is any indication, I'm still frustrated on some level that I'm not where I want to be now now now now now.
Anyway I won't get to play for another day or so but I wanted to keep this thing up to date. It's kinda sorta how I hold myself accountable.
I am not going to quit that’s stupid. I just am getting up set about this and like yeah I am losing a ton, but what sticks out in my head is this guy told me I wasn’t smart enough to play starcraft and that’s actually why I didn’t play for such a long time. When I lose a ton like how I have been lately it makes me feel dumb.
I am 100% with you on this. And I'll level with you: it's a source of further shame/anxiety, at least for me. It's really hard to get over feeling like you are an idiot. To me Starcraft feels a lot like arguing, and unlike arguing on the Internet, you can objectively lose at Starcraft. It feels awful when you just lose and lose.
I think you have the right attitude, though! Just get back up and try again. You can do it if you keep trying.
I was going to play last night, tonight, etc. But I'm sick with a bullshit-ass cold. Sick day today, probably tomorrow as well. No Starcraft or any other games really b/c pounding headache.
confession
Haven't laddered for 8 days.
Now that I have told Beth & you guys, I will try to do it tomorrow.
Remember, self: don't win, just spend.
urgh
Right there in the URL, my friends. Good times.
I suppose since I can't convince myself to ladder (not yesterday, not today), I can convince myself to practice builds. That's "like" playing. It's better than avoiding the game altogether, which is basically what my instincts are telling me to do.
sigh. Gotta love how this shit comes and goes.
September 2 -- 3 ladder games
Three games tonight, all ladder.
I'll write about it at some point, but I'm not sticking to TheStaircase as such anymore, although I am focused rather closely on my spending.
I feel unreasonably pleased tonight because all three were wins, and I feel I earned each of them just by macroing solidly, and by scouting to make sure I wasn't being 4 gated again. :P
Lots of notes tonight, mostly because I want to talk constructively about my macro and reinforce to myself that I have improved.
Spending
Top Diamond.
High Diamond.
Low Masters.
My spending could have been better, of course, but that much better.
Games
ZvZ on Akilon Wastes. Silver player. Top Diamond spending. Win.
Although I think some of it was luck in terms of building placement, I still feel really proud of this one. I typically go for a 14 pool, kinda ZvP style. I scouted with a 10 drone, as I do in ZvZ, and saw a pool done.
I think I got lucky with building placement. He tried to snipe my pool but it was within range of the spine in my mineral line (slow lings!). He tried to snipe my queens but they could lurk between buildings, and surrounds got harder and harder as time went by.
From there, he tried to one-base muta (!) because he had no second. I had enough of an economic lead that I just went for three spines at each base. I got 1/1 lings and he had 0/0, so ling fights ended badly for him.
One thing I did differently was to not throw away zerglings; I traded well. Too often I try to go for drones and just let them all die and don't get a good trade. This time, I forced a cancel on his expo multiple times and left rather than tryign to go for the kill. I sacrificed one wave of lings to weaken his spire, then another wave killed it altogether. The last straw was when I had killed his spire, his pool, and his natural.
I was shaking after this one because it was probably the most intense game in recent memory, even though it wasn't really close past a certain point. I felt really good about having known what to do and just executing it. I am going to allow myself to feel good about it. GO ME!
ZvP on Polar Night LE. Silver player. High Diamond spending. Win.
I think I scouted with my 10 drone, and saw no FFE or nexus first. It made me nervous but I went ahead. It was when I sac'd an Overlord and saw four gates that I thought I was going to be 4-gated. Long story short: no. But I did delay my third for a long while as a consequence, throwing down a roach warren a minute early and taking gas earlier, as well. I invested in spores in case he was going for some DT cuteness, as well.
In the end I got 1/1 + roach speed + mass roaches. It was 87 army supply vs 43. He did a little push w/ zealot/immortal/stalker and it just got annihilated. I went and sealed the deal w/ 101 supply vs 11.
ZvP on Bel'shir Vestige LE. Silver player. Masters spending. Win.
This one was uneventful. I delayed taking a third until I saw him take a second, and then went ahead and massed roaches. I didn't saturate quickly enough, as I thought maybe I was going to see another 4-gate? I hedged at one point, thinking
I pushed with 122 army supply, 56 roaches. He had more stuff than the other guy, incl a couple of colossi and an immortal. I lost half my roaches but he had nothing past that point. I re-maxed up to about 53 and sealed the deal.
I got upgrades on this one, too, at least 1/1. Maybe 2/1 or 2/2, I am not sure.
Thoughts
I've been trying not to just throw away units, a bad habit of mine. In my ZvZ, this was an asset, as I could continue to defend with lings. In my first ZvP game, it didn't come up. In my second ZvP game, I destroyed most of his army, but retreated in order to re-max.
Upgrades are coming more naturally to me. When I get the gas timings right, 1/1 is almost (ALMOST) automatic. 2/2 is not as clear, though I know for sure I got at least one L2 attack or carapace upgrade in each game.
My creep spread is also improving bit by bit. It helps that I have drilled this when practicing my builds alone. The builds I'm using force/encourage me to make at least 3 queens, so I've been trying, at a minimum, to connect my first, nat, and third with creep. (Mostly it makes sending a queen over less scary.)
I wish winning didn't feel so good, though. It just makes me more anxious the next time around.
This was a positive experience, though. Make a note of it, self! I may have won the games, but I also spent well, doing well for myself.
Guyz I literally just sent Ain’tfunny like 8 messages crying about how fucking OP terran is. bullshit you guys. total bullshit.
Without agreeing or disagreeing wrt Terran OP, I will say this: my ZvP winrate is 60%, ZvZ is 50%, and ZvT is (drumroll) 30% lifetime and 10% recently.
Even setting aside the fact that I decided to ignore my W/L for a long time, I'm obvs quite terrible. But I will figure it out and I think you will too. Until then I say: holy crap do I understand your frustration.
Shoshin (初心) is a concept in Zen Buddhism meaning "beginner's mind". It refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when studying a subject, even when studying at an advanced level, just as a beginner in that subject would. The term is especially used in the study of Zen Buddhism and Japanese martial arts. The phrase is also used in the title of the book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by the Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki, who says the following about the correct approach to Zen practice: "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few." Saadat A. Khan suggests that "Beginner's mind embodies the highest emotional qualities such as enthusiasm, creativity, zeal, and optimism. If the reader reflects briefly on the opposites of these qualities, it is clear to see that quality of life requires living with beginner's mind. With beginner's mind, there is boundlessness, limitlessness, an infinite wealth."
Shoshin - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia I am not an expert and I am not a beginner. But if I had to pick between my current attitude and the attitude described above, I would choose the latter. I think it is time for a change in my attitude.
still really bad
How am I so fucking bad at this? I'm just really terrible now. Or maybe I always was. I'm losing hard to the stupidest shit.
My original goal was to get into Gold. I did that last season. If I quit, I would've achieved my goal.
Practice night
To take some of the pressure off and to give myself permission NOT to play, I am working on a rough routine: laddering on alternating days, and on the other days, "practice." "Practice" lately means practicing builds!
This has been a hole in my play, not having a plan for the early game and sort of blundering my way through it. Gas timings in particular hurt me, and made it difficult to decide when to get upgrades and such. I can also practice not getting supply blocked, which hurts me a lot, too.
Also, I'm enjoying the meta-learning, too. It's a little bit like learning vocabulary, seeing how different words can fit together and such, as much as it is learning the meaning of the words themselves. I'm a nerd so I find this shit fascinating. I'm practicing these as much to get a sense for various places you can be starting in the game, too.
I've picked maybe five or six builds altogether, for different matchups, and I just practice these without a computer opponent. I can do this with less stress and can restart as early as I like.
"With time, anything is possible. Even to fix the most broken mind, even to overcome the greatest learning difficulties, to improve and have awareness. Maybe then I will be gosu. If I’m not, then well, at least I will be happy" - Liquid.Snute ins his recent blog-update: Losing in Challenger as a full-time player
[Photo-cred: Cameron Baird / Red Bull Content Pool]
2 ladder games
Spending:
High GM
Mid Plat
Both were ZvP. In one the dude left. In the second I built a lot of roaches and won. In the third I misread a 4 gate and lost. Fucking all-ins.
Still kinda pissed off. Instead of laddering this close to bed I will probably practice a build or two to chill the fuck out. I'm tilting too hard to play anyway; tonight I have approx. zero patience.
On the plus side being pissed off is better than being depressed. On the minus side anger = more likely to just fucking quit.
placed in silver
was (am?) this | | lose to ragequitting.
I feel obligated to update this because it would be conspicuous to me if I didn't. Yes, it's almost certainly because I was just playing for spending and not league, so how can I be irritated if my MMR says "Silver"? That was the point, wasn't it? Not to care?
I played a couple more games despite tilting really hard. I won the last one and the prior one I just played stupid and terrible. My placement match was also stupid and terrible. I fucked up my build, and despite all my instincts, went for lings, got rolled by blue flame hellions. Fuck me.
No I am not going to ragequit but I am going to go for a walk.
August 24 -- 6 - SIX - ladder games
I uh got a little tipsy and went laddering because who gives a shit. I just wanted to spend my points!
Spending:
Gold
High Silver
High Bronze (lol)
High Diamond
Low Diamond
High Master
I don't really remember these games too well. No I don't really know why I got ranked so low in the two middle ones. I think in the third one I maxed out with a lot of shit & didn't attack with it. Friggin' widow mines.
In a couple of them they screwed with my economy so I was all out of whack. And in the last one it was a proxy gate or some shit. HELL YEAH. I dragged it out a little and then was like w/e.
I think I still don't get how to make & use mutas in quantity. Terran builds a buncha turrets, widow mines, and I just can't get enough mutas up very quickly s/t that they are not either destroyed by bio or destroyed by turrets. I'm not calling imba, just that I don't really know what to do. Banes would probably help. WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE.
Anyway good times. Maybe I'll do a more detailed write-up tomorrow.
I did practice a couple of builds tonight-- ZvP and ZvT. ZvT was kinda... eh. I like the ZvP build. Oh well. ZvZ went well in the one game. Broski could't get enough mutas to stop me from overrunning. Asked me if I had a third even but no I was just fully saturated & hitting injects. It was a good game, though, and I mean that. No disrespect!
...still a little tipsy, it seems.